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I'm drunk and a little stoned, and it's stormy ouside! I'm in heaven.

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birra
17:31 Apr 30 2011

I haven't been drunk in a storm in so long...

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placidchaos
18:30 May 01 2011

This was my first time for that!

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Ahhh... The rumble of thunder, so lovely!

I'm among the stars tonight.

I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. I've been thinking about what I want and what path to take to get it. Part of this is because I feel like I'm not quite on the right path at the moment.



You see, college isn't really working for me. At least, the way I'm trying to use it isn't working. I've been trying to decide on a degree, a career, a set course. Let's face it, that isn't me. I like to learn, and I want to stay in college. To do that, I think I need to make a change. I'm thinking about cutting back my classes a lot. I want to learn for the pleasure of learning, and I may take one or two classes if I need to do research for the book(s) I want to write.



Don't get me wrong, I want to have a good future. I want to make decent money and have a happy life, but locking myself down isn't a way for me to achieve that. I can never be happy that way. So, I think I'm going to make my own path.

Two Dachshunds... Two people and a bed just do not work on one.

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birra
05:53 Apr 26 2011

Do not work on just two people, two dachshunds and one bed, a?



Canadian version...

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placidchaos
06:04 Apr 26 2011

Heh, I suppose you are close enough to Canada! ;)

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I think drinking sounds good right about now. Yeah, I know it's Monday. So what? It's a beautiful evening, and I feel alive. Basically, what I'm saying is that I feel good, and I don't give a fuck. Cheers!

I'm such a slut sometimes. I don't see a problem with it though.

Shit. It wasn't that long ago that I had no friends at all. Now it seems like there's not enough of me to go around. This is especially so when I need some time to myself.

It's so simple. How could I not have seen this before now? Above all else, what I need to do is overcome myself. That's what I need to have a satisfying life.

I fucked up my back yesterday. I didn't do anything stupid. I just bent over to pick up a t-shirt off the floor. I tried to get someone to cover my shift, but there are only 3 people who can actually do my job that work there. The two who are scheduled off for today said no, and the third was the opener. So I called the manager to explain what happened and ask what I should do. They said they'd cover the shift. Well, the manager's boss decided that I needed to come in because they were slammed. I told them I would try to help, but I didn't honestly think they'd keep me since I can't even stand up straight. Hell, I can't even stand for more than a couple of minutes. I helped as much as I could, but I ran out of energy fast. It hurt soooo much. I explained what the deal was to my manager's boss when I got there, but she didn't care. When things slowed down, this happened:



D: Hey, she wants you to stay and close.



Me: Seriously?



D: Yeah, sorry.



Me: That's fine, I'll stay as long as she understands that I intend to file workman's comp.



D: You can't file workman's comp., you weren't injured on the job.



Me: Actually, I can legally. If an employer knowingly keeps an injured employee working and it makes it worse, the employer is responsible.



D: *rolls eyes and walks off*



A moment later...



T: Do you need to go?



Me: Uh, yeah. That's why I called in in the first place, I'm not really able to handle this right now.



T: Are you in that much pain.



Me: Yeah, that IS why I wasn't here.



T: Well, if you need to go, go. Especially if you're threatening. That won't get you anywhere.





Really? That wasn't even meant as a threat. I was only asserting my rights and sticking up for myself. If that's threatening, every person in the world who doesn't let someone else walk over them is threatening.

I think it's hilarious when premium members use a stamp that claims they've added me when they haven't.

I've been feeling particularly suicidal lately. It's because of several reasons and no particlar reason at all. There are some thing contributing, but I'm also just generally unhappy. Mostly, it's just because I'm so freakin' lonely. Bah.



Don't worry, I won't actually do it. I just feel like it.

I'm thinking that my happiness my not be in this life.

Work was ridiculous tonight. Unlike last night, I had a full crew closing with me. We weren't busy, but we weren't dead by a long shot either. We should have been out on time tonight, but like last night, I had to ride them to get any results. Both of the guys working with me last night were tonight too, and one of them redeemed theirself a little by putting in some extra effort. They were still really slow though. I'm already being a little harsh, but I think I'm going to have to be a real asshole to get anywhere with these people.

I feel like something's coming.

Today was such a long day. I had no energy when I went to work, and I worked for 9 hours. At the end of the night, I only had two people closing with me, and I had to ride them both. One of them was simply takin' his sweet time to accomplish anything, and I had to constantly remind the other to work instead of talk. We got out at 10 til 9, but we're not supposed to work beyond 8:30. Fuckin' A. I'm probably going to get in trouble for it, but there was nothing I could do.

I find it interesting that the part of me that likes to be aggressive, lustful, and passionate is the same part of me that likes to drink, get high, and generally party and have a good time.

Isn't it funny how you can sit in some really odd and occasionally painful positions but be really comfortable when you're cuddling with someone?

I'm just a beast waiting to escape from its cage. I want out.

I'm so laughing my ass off at myself right now. I'm such a freak. I'm still in love with my ex and totally jealous that she's dating, but I'm happy for her finding someone to date. I'm totally in love with my best friend, but willing and happy to only be her friend. I have a huge crush on my friend in NZ and would totally date her if she lived closer.



Since I can't have any of them, I really just want something so I won't be so lonely. At the same time, I don't think I should date anyone since I doubt I could truly get emotionally involved with them right now. Plus, if I did it would probably take away from what I have with my best friend, and I don't want that.

COMMENTS

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Sulks
20:46 Apr 12 2011

LOL complicated. Just as you said :D

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placidchaos
21:20 Apr 12 2011

Indeed.

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Why is it that the best relationships in my life also seem to be the most complicated?

I'm feeling happy now. It's amazing how much of an affect some things have.

FUCK! I've been trying to get some shit with my bank account and cell phone taken care of. It's been a pain in my ass, and no I've pretty much missed my first class.

Fuck. It's 4 a.m. I know I should go to sleep now, but I really feel like I want to keep walking. Grrrr.

Holy crap! My arms are actually very muscular. I never noticed before tonight. I was hanging out with a friend, and I was playing around on my pull up bar. Suddenly, I noticed just how much tension and bulge was going on. It sort of blew my mind.

I was so depressed last night that I had no will to do anything. I didn't even have it in my to talk about or journal it. All I could do was lie there for a while. I finally managed to get the motivation to watch something, and I watched Scrubs until I fell asleep.

Alone

Blah. Waking up alone was the worst feeling I can imagine this morning. Fuck.

I bounced on my ass tonight. It hurt, but the air time was bad ass. My tailbone feels bruised. I fell down on some stairs. Everything sloed down whn I fell. I had time to do any and everything necessary to catch myself fter I first bouceed. It was cool . Time slowed.

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placidchaos
09:05 Apr 08 2011

Pun intended after the fact.

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I'm drunk bitches. Be jealous.



It took so long to type this all with out typo in it.

I've felt pretty good today. I did yesterday too. My energy has been up. I'd say I'm an energetic happy with a dash of "don't fuck with me if you know what's good for you". You know what I mean?

Tonight should be fun. I'm going out drinking for a friend's 21st birthday. Hell yeah.

Damn it! I know she's not mine anymore, but I'm feeling really jealous!

So... Apparently I'm not a bad dancer? I don't know. I've always liked my dancing, but I'd never considered that it might be cool to others. A couple of the people that were over this weekend were diggn' it. One of them told me that I have no clue how awesome he thinks it is that I can move like that. At one point, one of my friends tried to get me to sit down because they thought I might fall over, but their friend told me to keep goin' cause they liked my moves.



I was actually a little annoyed. I was really wanting to dance, and doing so at home just isn't the same. Being drunk as I was, I was obsessed with going to Choices to dance and shoot pool. It had been dangled in front of my face, and I wanted it. My one friend said, "I don't know about that." So, I turned to my friend's friend and was like, "Courtney's hot friend! You'll take me dancing, right?" She said hell yes, but it never happened! I was so annoyed! Only annoyed though, I just couldn't get pissed while I was drunk it seems. Anyway, nobody would take me, but I soooo wanted it. I would have gone myself, but I was able to recognize that it would be a bad idea for me to go by myself since I was so drunk. *sigh* Maybe another time.

For the last week or so, I've felt like my mind was falling apart more than usual. It was especially bad today. I've been forgetting things and making stupid mistakes, and I even have had trouble saying sentences in the right order. I'm feeling a bit better now. It's like there was a foundation block shifted out of place, but it's been pushed back now. Strange. Who knows?

I got drunk for the first time this weekend. It was mostly awesome. The first time, it was no biggie. I got a little too drunk Saturday. I didn't even intend to get drunk Saturday, but I did. I was only going to get a buzz, but once I got there, drinking more just seemed like a good idea. It didn't help that a friend of my friend kept encouraging me when I talked about having another shot. I ended up throwing up a little.



It turns out that my fears about what kind of a drunk I would be were off. I was afraid that I'd be an angry or beligerant drunk. Instead, I'm a happy go lucky friendly (and very flirty) drunk. My self control does slip in a serious way when I'm drunk, but not on the things I was afraid it would. Actually, the self control issue is why I thought I'd be an angry drunk. Primarily, I'm always angry, and I thought I'd lose my control over that. I guess this just means I'm actually a happy person if I stop letting bullshit get to me.

I feel something stirring. I don't know what exactly, but I feel a change coming soon.

At a later time, I have a major bit of journaling to do. This last weekend was intense.