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Back then I didn't know why they did it, played with tissue like a game.

I just thought they were crazy to add to all their pain.



Now I understand, now I am the same.

It's all about control , just enough to keep you sane.



I can't make people love me more,only love me less.

So I just smile, wave and try to do my best.



I can't decide who stays by me, but I can warp what they see.

So all around I show different parts of me.



Few people see the same, and nobody sees all. I have no one on earth who can judge how far I fall.



I'm not getting any better, it's always just getting worse. Everything goes in circles in my sad universe.



it really seems so fitting for me to continue to deceive.

Even if I showed you, you wouldn't watch me grief.



I try to show you love, and compassion when I am able.

Just to see it lying there as unwanted food upon a table.



Not everyone is cruel ,I've seen from time to time. But plenty all the same that none should see the sign.



I'm not allowed to hurt others ,but I decide how to hurt myself.

I can't control what he world does to me, but how much damage I am dealt.



So I alone hold the knife, I alone make the scar.

It can't be very difficult, the vein not that far.



For so long I wanted something to show what was within.

That I was broken ,hurting and dealing with great sin.



So now I draw the blood and even that is hard. I'm such a tragic wuss I should use playing cards.



So over and over I slice, a perfectionist through and through.

So I finally have some lines that I can show to you.



But you don't really care, so I won't tell you what they mean.

I didn't do them for you, you only get this scene.



I put a Band-Aid on and cover my work of art.

I'm the only one who gets to know how far I'm torn apart.



I don't think I'll get away this charade for very long.

I'll shove it in your face before fatal lines are drawn.



So you can stand there to say you suspected all along.

That you knew and had noticed something wrong.



Still you said nothing, your face ,as all was calm.

I know you don't mean the feelings there in your sad song.

I was given a test, for later I would be judged.

But ever still knowing, I failed the one I loved.



I was charged with your heart, keep it safe and warm.

But I have left you crying rivers on into the morn.



Myself or faith in you ,I did not want to lose.

But piece by piece I did not get to chose.



I remember when you didn't know what you were doing.

You looked at me and the earth stopped moving.



I saw in you then both things I was missing.

You completed no easy feat in giving me that while kissing.



Where did it go, the joy I just had?

Without a warning my mind has turned bad.



For slowly, ever slowly my world left me defeated.

Shunned by those who loved but never equally treated.



A caged songbird without a song for herself.

Somehow still bringing joy to the world from her shelf.



Without knowing what was best for me, you tried to play the part.

And I acted out mine, leaving us worlds apart.



The pain all this will cause, I thought would only be upon myself.

I hid it all away, laughing at my shell self.



Now I can't give you what you want.

Now I can't give you what you need.



But I need you all the same.

As I my mind twists and maims.



You mean so much to me but I can't give that back.

Fear is taking over and my life is off-track.



I want to be more for you and I fight corrupt tears.

Still you fill my heart with flutters though out all theses years.



I know if you leave me now, it won't mean that I will love you any less.

I can not change what I am and I'm no good to anyone else like this.