The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

One of Pam's coworkers is moving into a room on the third floor next weekend. She already gave us the rent money. I met her last week and she seems cool. She wants me to teach her bout Wicca and loves cats. Dash of course barked and snapped at her! Such a little thing who thinks he can take on the world IF one of us is with him! lol Tracy came over Thursday and he hadn't seen her in a few weeks so he started barking and snapping at her heels. We take him outside and shes standing in the door when he comes to go back inside and he wouldnt go in until she was inside and he didnt have to walk past her to get into the house! What a goof! Tracy started working in an animal clinic today which is cool. She said that if the animals need to go to the vet, she can take them in for free which is awesome. The babies are all so sweet and affectionate. Ethel and Lunar have taken to sleeping with us now that she's in Missouri and Lunar is learning finally that she can't go after Little Girl cuz Little Girl always wants to be around me. Pam's bday is in less then a week now. I have some gifts but still need more. I hate shopping! lol

We went to another powwow this weekend. It was the biggest one that I have been to yet, possibly because it was and intertribal. We got there around 11am and it was already about 75 degrees out. It was out in the woods and it had rained the whole day before so the sun was literally drawing out the moisture from the earth. It made it so humid! I love the sights, the sounds and the smells of being at a powwow. It is unlike anything else I have ever been a part of. I bought a Black Bear Kachina that is beautiful. Pam bought her mom a white birch box that is handmade. We got two animal fetish stones, mine is a cat and Pam's is a sheep. The people are all so friendly and willing to discuss anything about their tribes. I love learning about all the different tribal traditions. This was my second powwow this month. Next month is my tribe's powwow which I am waiting to go to. We also saw the Black Dahlia movie on Friday. It was really well done and had lots of action at the end when everything all came together in the main characters mind. I ended up online that night reading the FBI released papers on the case and all sorts of theories about who killed her. I LOVE having my work schedule the way it is now! I get to have Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays until midnite off now! I could take a weeks vacation and actually be off for 11 days in a row with it this way! This Thursday Tracy's coming over to help me work in the Wiccan Room and she's going to dye my hair for me. Since Mabon is the 22nd, we can do the ritual together while she is over too. Pam's birthday is next Thursday. I already bought her some presents but I am going with Kerri to finish shopping. I am taking her out for dinner and then we are going to the Raconteurs concert at nite. I think she will enjoy the day.

Violet



And the sky was made of amethyst

And all the stars were just like little fish

You should learn when to go

You should learn how to say no

Might last a day, yeah

Mine is forever

Might last a day, yeah

Mine is forever

Well they get what they want, and they never want it again

Well they get what they want, and they never want it again

Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to

Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to

And the sky was all violet

I want to give the violent more violets

And I'm the one with no soul

One above and one below

Might last a day, yeah

Mine is forever

Might last a day, yeah

Mine is forever

When they get what they want, and they never want it again

And they get what they want, and they never want it again

Go on, take everything, take everything, I want you to

Go on, take everything, take everything, I dare you to

I told you from the start just how this would end

When I get what I want, then I never want it again

Go on take everything, take everything, I want you to

Go on take everything, take everything....





Doll Parts



I am doll eyes

Doll mouth, doll legs

I am doll arms, big veins, dog bait

Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do

Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do too

I want to be the girl with the most cake

I love him so much it just turns to hate

I fake it so real, I am beyond fake

And someday, you will ache like I ache

Someday, you will ache like I ache



I am doll parts

Bad skin, doll heart

It stands for knife

For the rest of my life

Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, they really do

Yeah, they really want you, they really want you, but I do, too

I want to be the girl with the most cake

He only loves those things because he loves to see them break

I fake it so real, I am beyond fake

And someday, you will ache like I ache

Someday you will ache like I ache





Reasons to be Beautiful



Love hangs herself

with the bedsheets in her cell

threw myself on the fires for you

10 good reasons to stay alive

10 good reasons that I can't find



Oh, give me a reason to be beautiful

so sick in his body so sick in his soul

oh give me one reason to be beautiful

oh and everything I am



Love hates you

I live my life in ruins for you

and for all your secrets kept

I squashed the blossom and the blossom's dead



oh give me reason to be beautiful

so sick in his body so sick in his soul

oh and I will make myself so beautiful

oh and everything I am



Miles and miles of perfect skin

I swear I do, I fit right in

my love burns through everything

I cannot breathe

Miles and miles of perfect skin

I swear, I said, I fit right in

I fit right in your perfect skin

I cannot breathe



hey, baby, take it all the way...down

hey baby taste me anyway

oh you were born

so pretty oh summerbabe

we'll never know

and fading like a rose....



Give me a reason to be beautiful

so sick in his body so sick in his soul

I'll give you my body just sell me your soul

oh and everything I am will be bought and sold

oh and everything I am will turn hard and cold



and they say in the end

You'll get bitter just like them

and they steal you heart away

when the fire goes out you better learn to fake

it's better to rise the fade away



hey you were right

named a star for your eyes

did you freeze did you weep

turn to gold baby, sleep



hey honey mine

I was there all the time

and I weep at your feet

and it rains and rains





Use Once and Destroy



It's the emptiness that follows you down

it's the ache inside when it all burns out

it's poisonous it muscles it aches

it's everything you had when it breaks



It's the emptiness thats all you have left

too terrified of your frozen breath

It's a bitter mouth it's buttered and knived

it's the awful truth you fight for your life



It might as well it might as well hurt

It might as well it might as well



I went down to rescue you

I went all the way down

fill your hungry wretched life

here they come it's closing time



It's the bitter root it's twisted inside

it's the heart you used to have when it died

it's the emptiness it poisons it lies

It's everything that you'll never find



It might as well it might as well hurt

it might as well it might as well



I went down for the remains

sort through all your blurs and stains

take your rapture blister burns

stand in line it's not your turn



all dressed in red always the bride

off with her head all dressed in white

off with her head



I went down to rescue you

I went all the way down

I went down for the remains

Sort through all your blurs and stains



OOh I will follow you

anytime anywhere

ohh I will come for you

just say you aren't there





Obscured



Lost your head, now you sleep on the floor

What you said, I don't want anymore

Through the haze, make your eyes up to ache

Out in space, days away



Through these eyes

I rely on all I've seen

Obscured

Through these eyes

It looks like I'm home tonight



Left for dead as you sweep out the cold

Things we said we don't need anymore

Tale inside her like a fallen kite

Hey, hey, yeah



Through these eyes

I deny on all I see

Obscured

Through these eyes

It looks like I'm home tonight



What you said made a mess of me

What you said, I don't want

Obscured





Quiet



Quiet

I am sleeping

in here

We need a little hope



For years

I've been sleeping

Helpless

Couldn't tell a soul



Be ashamed

Of the mess you've made

My eyes never forget, you see

Behind me



Silent

Metal mercies

Castrate

Boys to the bone



Jesus

Are you listening?

Up there

To anyone at all



We are the fossils

The relics of our time

We mutilate the meanings

So they're easy to deny



Be ashamed

Of the mess you've made

My eyes never forget, you see

Behind me



Quiet

I am sleeping

Quiet

I am sleeping

Quiet

I don't trust you

I can't hear you



Be ashamed

Of the mess you've made

My eyes never forget, you see

Behind me



Behind me

The grace of falling snow

Cover up everything you know

Come save me from the awful sound

Of nothing





Disarm



Disarm you with a smile

And cut you like you want me to

Cut that little child

Inside of me and such a part of you

Ooh, the years burn



I used to be a little boy

So old in my shoes

And what i choose is my choice

What's a boy supposed to do?

The killer in me is the killer in you

My love

I send this smile over to you



Disarm you with a smile

And leave you like they left me here

To wither in denial

The bitterness of one who's left alone

Ooh, the years burn

Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn



I used to be a little boy

So old in my shoes

And what I choose is my voice

What's a boy supposed to do?

The killer in me is the killer in you

My love

I send this smile over to you



The killer in me is the killer in you

Send this smile over to you

The killer in me is the killer in you

Send this smile over to you

The killer in me is the killer in you

Send this smile over to you





Bullet With Butterfly Wings



The world is a vampire, sent to drain

Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames

And what do I get, for my pain

Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game

Even though I know-I suppose I'll show

All my cool and cold-like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Now I'm naked, nothing but an animal

But can you fake it, for just one more show

And what do you want, I want to change

And what have you got

When you feel the same

Even though I know-I suppose I'll show

All my cool and cold-like old job

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

Tell me I'm the only one

Tell me there's no other one

Jesus was the only son

Tell me I'm the chosen one

Jesus was the only son for you

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage

And I still believe that I cannot be saved

If you were taking off and leaving all your stuff behind, don't you think that somebody will have to go through all of it to get rid of it? So why the fuck would you leave a filthy, obviously never cleaned, overly used vibrator behind??? Sick fucking nasty! Bad enough that I have to wear latex gloves to even touch anything in there cuz she apparently didnt mind letting the animals piss on everything and not clean it up. I can't even touch the damn mattress cuz she shit herself and bled all over it and never cleaned it properly! Now I have to find dirty vibrator that has been up her crotch and never cleaned? No wonder she always wanted to go to bed early! No wonder she complained of genital problems! The more I learn, the more I discover I never really knew her. Hurts so much to find out that everything has been a lie. Hurts so much to feel so deceived. Hurts the most to feel like she never really loved any of us and never cared how she effected all of our lives. Like we all dont have enough problems going on that we need to deal with her disappearing. How long would it have taken to have left a note saying she was leaving to go live somewhere else? She didnt need to say where she was going or anything. It would have been a simple thing to leave a note so that we wouldnt all be freaking out worrying if she killed herself. You spend 7 years trying to help someone get better and everytime they start to get better they do something that sets them back. Makes you wonder if they even want to get better. Even discussed it with her therapist that she sabatoges herself everytime shes doing good. She even admitted that shes afraid that we want care about her as much, love her as much if she gets better. If you dont really want to get better, why even bother trying? Seeing as she kept saying she didnt want to get a job cuz she liked pretending to be mentally retarded so she got paid by the state to sit on her ass. Then to find out that shes telling people that iI held her down, I forced pills down her throat adn i threatened to kill her! Only time I ever "held her down" was actual restraint trained holds that I did when she was trying to drink bleach or trying to slit her wrists. Should I have sat there and watched her kill herself? Would that have made me a better friend?? I told her to take her anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. Only time I actually forced her to take pills was the time she had a bad reaction to a trial med and she had a psychotic break where she was delusional and the psychiatrist told me to give her them to basically sedate her because she was attempting to kill me! She threw rubbing alcohol in my face, stabbed me with furniture tacks and kept trying to strangle me! So I guess she thinks I should have let her kill me rather then make her take pills so she could calm down enough that I could get her through the night safely. I have never once threatened to kill anyone other then myself! I always joke and say that I am not homicidal, I'm suicidal so I dont even know where the hell she pulled that from. Whatever got her to turn against me, I cant understand why shes doing this to everyone else here that love her and would do anything to help her? Why would she hurt the people she called her grandparents? Or the person she said was her favorite person in the world whos nearing 90 years of age and is worried sick about how she is doing? And the people shes telling that are believing her never even bothered to ask my side of it. I can name over 20 people right this minute who could back me up and provide proof that what she is saying is all lies. Without even having to think about it I could come up with at least 20 names! All I know is that I give up trying to help people after this. I give up caring. People are generally users, manipulators, lazy selfish assholes. I'm through with them all. If I could, I would buy my own private island and live there with the few people that I can actually trust to not decieve me and hurt me in the end and any animals that I want to have. Shut out the rest of this disgusting world full of creatures who stink of lies and have no humanity. I am through with caring. All I ever do is get hurt. All I ever do is get used. All I ever do is get left.