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All That I Am, Will Ever Be



I know the words by heart;

hear them in my head everyday;

see them carved into my flesh.

I know what they mean;

understand the defintion;

and they all mean the same:

a promiscous woman who

does not discriminate with whom

she partners with.

I know my past;

remember it all too vividly;

and understand what it makes me:

a whore;

a slut;

a tramp.

I was not born this way,

though it was what you called me

I was born pure;

born innocent;

born into hell.

You made me what you called me.

You created what you said

I already was.

I cannot make what you did change.

I cannot take away the feelings.

I cannot become something I am not.

No matter how much I want to be pure,

no matter how badly I want to be innocent,

the fact remains that I am not

and can never be.

I am the creation of your filth;

the destruction brought about by your sickness;

the result of your evil ways.

I cant erase it;

cant cut it out,

cut it off of me;

cant change it;

cant forget it;

cant destroy it

unless I totally destroy myself.





Tanya Costa(6/28/05)

Self Destructive Lies



We expect others to love us the way we want to be loved,

the way we love them.

Then, when they don't, we find fault in ourselves.

Blame, Guilt, and Shame all come along for the spiraling ride down into our private domain in Hell.

Each time we swear we won't let it happen again;

won't open ourselves up to that kind of pain again.

We know though that if given the chance,

we want so badly for them to love us,

care about us, believe in us that we will forget all about the past pain;

forget all about our promises to ourselves

and we will once more hand them our heart,

sit back and watch as they again take the life from it.



tanya costa(6/26/05)

Becoming



Alone I roam the roads,

solitary yet aware,

longing to find my salvation.

I look to find your eyes in the crowd,

searching for your scent.

I know as I pass amongst them,

that soon I will return to feed.

They remain unaware.

Then you lock my gaze with yours,

leading me off to the shadows.

Pressing my back against the wall,

you tip my head back and I close my eyes

as I feel you sink into my flesh.

I succumb to your pull

and give up my life to eternity.

My life rushes into you

and I am lightened of all humanity.

You bring my lips to your skin

and I hungrily drink of you.

I feel the change as we part.

Alone I roam the roads,

solitary yet aware,

longing to feed upon all of them.



tanya costa(6/15/05)

Death's House



I feel death taking up room inside me.

Like an uninvited guest,

he is invading what was once only mine,

suffocating and stifling me.

Without permission he is using my body

as a dwelling place for himself.

Slowly taking over all of me

and making me his own.



tanya costa(6/6/05)

Child of the Night



I glide effortlessly through the night.

I was born to the dark,

born to be a solitary soul.

My senses alert to all around me.

I can feel u there,

feel ur eyes upon me.

Can u sense me too?

I am hungry for ur bite.

Too long i have waited.

Too long have i lived a lie.

I want to taste the darkness,

surrender to its call,

hold death in my hands,

live life on the edge.

I smell your blood and I thirst.

I want to feel my teeth

sink deep into your flesh,

be warmed by the thick fluid

as I drain it from you.

Am I what you expected?

You never dreamed I could

take it from you.



Tanya Costa(4/30/05)

REGRET



You ignorant, self-serving man!

You think that you know me,

can categorize and label me?

Every single opinion you have,

of who I am,

of what I believe,

of what I stand for,

are all opinions I have impressed upon you.

I can be whatever I want you to see.

Like a chameleon I change my shade,

adapt my actions and reactions

in order to project the image I wish.

I am capable of convincing

anyone of anything to suit my purpose.

You think you know what to expect?

I have not even begun.

Betrayal must be avenged.

You will be punished.

When I am through,

you will regret ever even thinking you could challenge me.

Do not turn your back,

the very second you do,

I will be there.

Time will pass.

You will forget.

I will never forget,

never let go of my rage.

It will continue to boil below my skin,

hidden from your wary glance.

I will feed on it's bitter poisons

and become stronger.

The day will come when I will rise,

rise up from the depths of hell

to rain my vengence down upon you.

Then shall you know the depths of my anger.

Then shall you know the power of my word.

At that moment you will come to an understanding of what you only think you understand now.

At that moment, you will know regret!







Tanya Costa(4/24/05)

ETERNALLY



Hypocrites!

I hear you all laughing at me.

You believe you are so superior,

think you are the one who is right.

You consider me to be lost,

when I am the only one to see the truth.

I will never be lost.

I will never be gone.

You fools!

Preaching your lies to me?

Telling me that I need to be saved,

need to have faith,

need to believe?

I have been saved from what you fear.

I have taken faith more seriously then you ever will.

Those who drink of "his" blood shall have life eternal?

I will be there at the moment,

the very moment you learn the truth.

The second just before you are gone

when you see there is nothing,

nothing after this life to go on to.

As i drain you of your life,

I will laugh at your shock.

I will dance in your warm blood

as you lie there turning cold.

Save me?

You will be dust and ash in the ground

and I will still go on!

Keep believing in your "savior"

and you will surely die.

I am the one who can save you.

Take of my blood and you shall never die,

never grow old,

never be weak again.

Believe in the truth!

Believe in me!





Tanya Costa(4/24/05)

ENTRAPMENT



Glistening like a diamond necklace in the sunlight wearing the droplets from early morning dew,

you hypnotize me with your beauty.

Such a fragile object,

how can you possibly bring anyone harm?

Your complex structure is hidden.

I reach out to touch you,

but you subdue me with ease.

Struggling only entraps me more

as you hold me there for your creator.

She arrives quickly and silently.

One bite and the fight is gone from my body.

She leaves me there alone.

I cannot move,

cannot escape.

I am frozen waiting for her.

She returns and begins to feed.

I weaken as she slowly drains me of my life's precious liquid.

Too weak now to even beg for my life,

I fade away into an endless sleep.







Tanya Costa(4/24/05)

so empty inside

tears that i hide

locking me away

leaving me with my memories

seeking the secret to this pain

knowing there is none

it overwhelms me again

just as it has always done

wishing for my blades

want to drain my life

want to see it all fade

sink into my eternal torment

drown in the abyss

looking for the crimson rush

that reminds me i am here

that takes me from this void

brings me heat

brings me life

only to leave me alone

once more





Tanya Costa(4/14/05)

so insane

this crazy rushing

running

speeding around

trying to complete everything at once

no time

no fun

no joy

just get it all done

they will come

they will judge

they will criticize and be rude

for this we will hurry

hurry to be destroyed





Tanya Costa(4/13/05)

Desperate Memories



So much time has passed between us,

still i can close my eyes and taste our last kiss,

feel your fingers tangled in my hair,

my nails scraping down your back.

The years go by but the memories never fade.

I know your smell in an instant,

can sense your presence behind me.

We move on and move apart but never really move past

the connection between us that made us one.

That connection never seems to break.

I still remember your breath warm on my neck

as we clung desperately to one another.

Our bodies flowing as a single essence.

Our hearts beating the same racing rhythm.

That last time you held me,

did you know it would be our last?

Did you feel the powers that hovered over us

swooping in to take you from me?

Could you sense that our fears would

soon be realized and our lives torn apart?

Or had our desperate love simply run its course?

The intensity of our desire could never last

the lifetime of true love's bonds.

Raging emotions pushed us into one another's arms,

but it was reality that tore us apart.







Tanya Costa(5/4/05)

Temptation's Game



And they said I couldn't have you,

and they said you didn't want me,

and they said I was all wrong.

I knew if I played my part,

you would be mine and I would be yours.

How hard would I have to push you

before you would succumb to my call?

And how far would I have to go

before you lost control?



Like a toy held for a cat,

I dangled myself in front of you.

I lingered near you,

arranged chance meetings everywhere.

I tore my flesh to give me reason

to shed my clothes in front of you.

The temptation to touch me was there for you.

Time after time, I appeared before you,

like an offering of succulent summer strawberries

laid out before a goddess in supplication,

honoring you for the gift of my life you returned to me

by teaching me that there are reasons to be alive.

Slowly revealing more of my body in front of you,

I let you know what I wanted,

that I was not giving in.

Finally, your resistance weakened and you gave in.



I was filled with a fever

when your fingers first slid across my skin.

You felt my hunger

as my heart beat under your hand.

So it began,

with a quiver not a bang,

as my emotions poured into you

until there was no longer any distance between us.

Our lips pressed so hard together

that there was no space for breath,

you locked the door and pressed my body against the wall.

All other thoughts and words were gone,

I could feel you against me

but could not tell you what it meant,

only touch and taste and feel you doing the same.

You gave me what I wanted,

I gave you something you never had.

I was brought to my knees

as I honored the body of my Aphrodite.

Our actions fueled with an intense heat,

burning us from within.

With a rush our passion exploded into flames

that consumed us,

leaving scars on our souls

that lingered long after I blew them out.





Tanya Costa(8/26/05)

Blindness



How is it that you can't see me?

Am I such a good actress

that I have succeeded completely

in keeping the darkness from you?

Is it possible that the evil inside

has been shielded from your eyes?

No one can ever say that they truly know me.

No one has ever seen all of me.

Would it disgust you to see

the seductive temptress I can be?

Would you finally admit

that there is evil beneath my skin

if I ran my hands down your back,

laced your fingers with my own

and wrapped my legs around yours?

Would it frighten you to see

the pure hatred running in my veins?

Would you freeze and stare in horror

if my rage was ever unleashed within your view?

Would it make it easier to believe

if you heard my screams of fury

or saw me bring someone to their knees?

If I dropped my facade,

could you finally see

that all that I have told you is true?

I am an evil entity

capable of doing anything.

Can't you see why I need to be destroyed?

Like a rabid animal,

I need to be put down before I hurt someone else.

If no one else has the strength to do it,

I will do it myself.

I will put an end to all of it.







Tanya Costa(8/8/05)

Breaking the World



Once, I held the world in my hands,

until i stumbled, fell and the world rashed down with me,

shattering into millions of slivers around me.

For years now, I have tried to pick them all up,

fit them back together,

build my world again.

It is an all consuming task

that i seem never able to finish.

I can not make the pieces fit anymore.

I have lost some and others have been destroyed.

Stubbornly still i try;

forcing pieces in where they do not belong;

trimming the edges;

reshaping them to make them fit.

But this world I build is not the same I held.

The landscape has changed

and I seem to have left things behind,

still lying scattered at my feet.

What world is this and where will I belong?

Something never seems quite right

regardless of how hard I try.

Part of who I am was lost that day

as I raced around in my play,

foolishly forgetting just how fragile the world was;

childishly thinking that it would always be the same;

recklessly assuming that I was the one in control.





Tanya Costa 10/11/05

Falling Into the Darkness





I can already feel it,

a feeling akin to what one feels as a child

upon learning that there is no Santa Claus.

Autumn has arrived and Winter will follow.

I feel it caressing my body like a lover longing for my touch.

It's touch makes the sadness linger longer,

makes the twinge develop into a throbbing, ulcerating ache.

It is almost worse to know that it is near,

then if it were to come as a surprise,

engulfing and consuming me all at once.

To feel it there and to fight it,

knowing that in the end I will give in,

knowing that once again I will lose,

is nearly unbearable,

filling me with a hatred:

hatred for my inability to exist without failing;

hatred for my weakness.

I can never be strong enough to push through the pain,

never able to fight the sadness I feel,

never able to lift myself out of the depression

that this season brings me.

I am never able to get out from under the bleak blanket

of sorrow that smothers me.

Instead I will find myself once more

wrapped tightly in it's control,

fighting it like a child wrestling monsters in their sleep,

the cold tears running down my face like melting snow.





Tanya Costa (10/25/05)