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No matter what i try

no matter what i do

i am never able to convince you

that you are important to me

you fight me to feel better

you hurt me to see me cry

i do all i can to help you

but you would rather hate me

want me to feel pain so you can feel better

its never enough

never will be

you want to hurt me

leave me crying

watch me cycle down

watch me fall apart

act like you are so perfect

act like i am always at fault

lie to the world

inside you know the truth

you can never lie to yourself

your fear

your feelings

your own self hate

your inability to ask for help

to reach out

to find a way to get your feelings out

leave me the one who is punished

its your tears i cry

your pain i feel

your blood i bleed

someday your death i will die

will you ever see that this is not the way

will you ever realize that you can reach out

will it always be me left crying

will it always be me taking your pain

why cant you use the words to help yourself

instead of using them to hurt me

why cant you see that i only love you

why cant you see that i always will

why do you accuse me of hating you

why do you say i dont care

why do you tell me you hate me

how can i ever help you

how can i ever see you grow

when no matter what i say

no matter what i do

you resist and refuse to try

i dont know how to make things better

i cant make it all disappear

i cant change all that happened

i cant make the past not be there

i would try to help you if you let me

i would teach you skills to move through

i would hold your hand through the hard times

guide you through it all

but i cant make you do what you wont

i cant make you take the chance

i cant make you face your terrors

so i will never succeed

i am set to fail

i will always be left crying

tears that you cannot shed

This world is too harsh.

It's colors too bright.

They abrade my skin,

leaving me bloody.

The light burns my eyes,

making the tears flow free.

The cruel winds laugh at my pain

as they watch me struggle to move on.

Each step leaves me a little less alive,

a bit closer to my death.

I push through the pain

in an attempt to gain the freedom I seek.

The freedom that is found only in dying.

The only way to find peace

is to let go of my hold on this world.

This world is full of pain.

It hurts.

It burns.

It tears my flesh to threads,

throwing them into the earth,

my blood saturating the ground.

I crumble and fall,

becoming one with the world I despise.





Tanya Costa

8/21/06

Alone I sit here thinking.

Your presents remain unopened.

Your candles stay unlit.

The words of the familiar song

fall silent on my lips.

Everything has stopped,

frozen in that moment.

The door can be closed

to keep your room from my view,

but nothing can keep the memories

that continuosly flood my mind

and make me feel like I am drowning.

I hear your voice echoing in my head,

your laughter ringing and your calling to me.

Everywhere I turn remnants of you are there.

I cradle the animals in my arms,

loving them for you too.

My mind has forgotten how to focus,

it only tries to comprehend what I cannot understand.

So many questions spin in my head,

questions only you can answer.

Time slowly passes and here I remain

staring into the abyss

you created when you disappeared from my life.



Tanya Costa

8/25/06

The blood flows freely

my soul empties onto the floor

i cant find a way to survive

the pain i feel inside

lost inside my empty skin

blocked from feeling anything

except for the sorrow

that fills my heart

and replaces the love you took away

why did you abandon me

leave me here in pain

how could you leave me wondering

if you are alive or dead

what did i do that hurt you

how can anything compare

to the pain they brought upon you

why do you want to hurt me

and make me wonder why

how can you think its ok

to treat me this way

when all ive ever done

is love you and support you

i dont deserve this hurt

i dont deserve this pain

and even with all this

i love you still the same

i wish i could somehow get you to see

that we all love you but i dont know how

i wish i could at least hug you goodbye

but you took that from me

my goodbye is drenched in blood

that empties with my tears