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After 2 years of nightmares, insomnia, numbed & restless druggy sleep, silent wishes to the sky, & finally believing that I was indeed recovered from my turbulent nightmare, stripped bare & worn down of any remaining spark of momentary hatred I'd so often felt, the entire world I'd so precariously balanced on the tip of a fleeting teardrop finally collapsed around me in all it's fragility. I knew then, as your eyes met mine & I was taken over by an intense, weighted darkness, that I could never forgive you. As foolish as it was, I hated you so much more intensely in that moment than I ever have. Looking into your eyes, so carefully avoided for so long, I felt every sideways glance, every harsh word, the heartbeat of silence where there was nothing but you & I, connected by a singular fragile thread, burning with my despair & your cruelty. If I were to let the pain go, & push the creeping shadows of decay back from my path, I would forget how very wrong you were. You will be confined to the darkest part of my mind, where I only go to remember why I am alive...

COMMENTS

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NellMorgan
18:12 Mar 24 2013

Powerful words. A lot of heart was put into this.

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I long to hold your cold, ever changing face between my hands,

& memorize each tiny detail,

the way your hair falls over your eyes,

your luminescent smile that’s so rare but so quick to surface.

A secret buried beneath each plane of your cherished face.

The breath taking spark when your hand brushes mine, where there is only you & me.

If only I could wake up & know you’re beside me,

decidedly & wordlessly beautiful even in sleep.

To whisper goodbye in your ear, in the secret darkness &run the other way.

Embrace you only for a moment, the tiniest moment.

Your silence holding each intricate memory suspended on a wasted breath, a fragment of time that fits the moment.

But it is never to be true.

I will never have the courage to look into your eyes & speak these weighted words.

But know that wherever you are, whichever course of action I choose, you will drift through my thoughts long after you’ve forgotten me.

I can only dream you feel the same. But in my dreams, you are there. Goodbye love, forever & ever goodbye.