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So he looks at me like I don't see

He watches me me like I am unaware

But I see his gaze and I wonder

Does he think of me as I think of him



Does he want to touch me as much as I want to touch him!



I smell hi m I see him... I want him



Does he want me. Do I entice hiim? I will never know but my feelings remain the same. Lust lust and more lust. Hmmmmm

While attending my dear half sisters Memorial service I was struck by an odd sense of calm. She passed quietly from this earth on April 28th. So some time has passed. I hardly knew her but I adored her. And when listening to the impassioned words of her dearest friends and family I knew I was not alone it feelings

I listened to the words as they told of her life and her nurturing caring nature. Tears rolled downy cheeks in an endless stream. But at the same time I was smiling at the beauty of the woman she was. Each in turn said their goodbye. I sat quietly in a pew alone. Surrounded by my own emotions. A song played telling her story. It was whimsical and moving. The pictures depicted her happiest memories. I felt blessed to have known her for the flash in time that I had.



later that day I drove four hours across our beautiful state to visit the Graves of the family we shared. Our Dad, our grandparents, our uncles we never knew. And along side them two generations of family we exclusively shared.



The cemetary was unlike the Gothic horrors we thine on VR. It was an oasis in a sea of gold. Wheat fields surrounded the headstones that rested in a stand of tall trees. I got a glimpse into a part of my history I never knew. My great great grandmother was named Carrie. She was born in 1859. And died in 1916. An uncle died and the age of 4 and another met his maker as a fighter pilot in world War ll. My grandmother did in her late 40s while my grandfather died in his 80s. My father died of cancer as did my beloved sister Linda.



For some reason I felt such a sense of peace as I stood before their placeholders marking their existence on this earth. I reflected on the fact that too any were taken far too soon.



The following day I continued my journey to the cemetary that hosts the history of the other half of my heritage. This is am annual pilgrimage that I cherish. As I visit this pieces of marble I know that their souls are elsewhere but I find such comfort in the red slabs bearing their names. I can feel them embrace me. Sometimes when I go I sit and the tears burn they fall so furiously. Other times I am filled with the happiest memories.



Death is the hardest thing to face. But we start dying the minute we are born. It is inevitable. The overwhelming Grief comes from the would haves and should haves. Regret and sorrow. So each time I visit I try to let go of some of both. I try to think of what made my Mother, my twin sister grandparents who they were and why I admired them and I corporate something of them into my life. It makes me feel like I am paying it forward. My mother was a scholar. She loved words and art and music. My grandfather was a builder. He could make anything. My grandmother was a caregiver. She took care of everyone with kindness rarely seen. My sister was a gatherer. She wanted everyone to be together

She was kind when she wasn't selfish and as she got older she was more kind. It angers me that she was so young that she never even reached the tip of the iceberg of what she could become.



As much as death sucks...as much as I miss them all every single day. I never feel I am without them. They visit me...they talk to me and they listen to me when I need them. So in the afterlife I anxiously await my chance to be with them. Until then. I will cry. I will honor and I will love them.



Death.... not the end

I am an active member of the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks. People ask me what that means. For each the answer is different. It has the pitfalls of any volunteer organization. Drama and more drama. But what drives me is the meaningful traditions and the true desire to do good.



Today I attended the celebration of the US flag for which the Elks are proud to have established. It is an honored tradition and when we stood to pledge allegiance to the flag of our country I was filled with pride. Pride in the men and women who sacrificed their lives to stop religious persecution. To abolish slavery to introduce democracy and most of all for the personal freedoms I enjoy each and every day.



The history of this country is rich and deep. And to belong to an organization that values those traditions brings a thickness to my chest. My eyes fill with emotion and tears of pride spill down my cheeks when I hear a room full of everyday heroes stand and pledge allegiance to our flag. The emblem of our country.



I am proud to be the Esteemed Loyal Knight of the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks. For their richness of good deeds and their honor and respect of America and patriotism.

So...denial is just a frame of mind right. Because he denies me but gazes upon me every chance he gets.



I touch him when ever I can

A lean. A touch. A hug . All make my heart race.



His green eyes glow in the light. He hides them behind dark glasses. His luscious lips are disguised by a mustache but they call me.





One day I will feel them on mine. His hands will explore the secrets of my flesh. He will feel the response of my unrequited love. Strong and true. Without condition without remorse. Not wicked or wrong. The manifestation of trust and desire.





Oh what a love this is. Mine to give. Free will without expectation. A magic potion that the Witchery of love alone can explain. He can deny it but his eyes scream yes I want you





When he says the word sorry I accept it to mean I am too afraid to be happy. Someday he won't be afraid. He will let our bodies meld into one. Even for a passing moment





In the meantime my heart races at each glance. I touch his picture on the wall every time I pass it. I smell him as he passes. I watch him watch me.





denial is the wickedness. Lust is the complicity and loving two people is the duality





But it is all reality. And today reality bites. In eternity he will be mine.

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cadrewolf
20:18 Jun 09 2015

excellent words and thoughts, I am truly amazed at them



reality is now but thoughts are still basics of fantasies and lure, yet as we live our life the moments of pleasure touches smile know the allure of the mind

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A wickedness of noise is dancing in my head

A dash of incompleteness with a candy coated dread.

I want for understanding but it is clouded by contempt

I don't want your sympathy I want my inner strength.



Swirling and twirling a tangled metaphor

Of some forbidden dream

Smashing inuenddo and unrelenting lies

Or clarity of justice in my lovers eyes.



Contempt for males damn egos

That seem to rule the world.

I am a woman strong,willfull and determined

I don't need your approval or acceptance

Worthiness is not a condition when a man has come to judge

I feel like a balloon drifting through the air. No where to land. No balance. The slightest touch and I totally change direction. No purpose and no need. A ball of nothingness.

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cadrewolf
20:49 Jun 03 2015

find your path , we all fell empty yet we must rebalance and be the life we were and are

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My life has been a journey of love and loss and pain. But at every turn I have had strength and understanding from friends along the Wqy. but when you hold a secret there is nowhere to confide. It creates a dark energy i feel compelled to hide.



So instead I drink one to many stay up at night too late. Then I feel a failure throughout the entire day. How did I let my life spin so out of control. I dont feel in charge of any part of it. Is it karma or is it destiny that i am such a sorry mess?



I need to sit quietly reflecting on myself looking in the mirror assesing the choices I have made. The wrong I have done or any pain I may have caused? None were my intention. Is want a simple life. Work hard, spend time with my family. Share with my dearest friends. Give back to my community and if there is time Dance!



Let my heart mend quickly let my head run right Again. I have too much to accomplish. I must put one foot in front of tne other one Until I find my path.

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XxElviscatxX
15:11 Jun 04 2015

THE ROAD TO FIND OUT STARTS WITH YOU,ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THAT CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE,NO ONE CAN MAKE THAT DECISION BUT YOU.IF YOU WANT DIRECTION,GET SOME ''SILENCE.'' MEDITATE ''BE STILL KNOW I AM GOD''SAY THAT A FEW TIMES'' THEN REMOVE ALL THOUGHT FROM YOUR MIND WHEN YOU HAVE DONE THAT AND IT IS NOT EASY.LISTEN TO THE SILENCE,YOUR CONNECTING TO YOUR INNER GOD.IT MIGHT TAKE A VERY LONG TIME BUT GOD WILL REPLY TO YOU IN THOUGHT.OR IT MAKE HAPPEN RIGHT AWAY.EVEYONE IS DIFFERANT.THE FIRST HURDLE IS TO REMOVE ALL THOUGHT,PRACTICE EVERY NIGHT.AND YOU WILL BE THE MASTER INSTEAD OF THE STUDENT.NAMASTE' Elviscat

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