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as i was leaving 2go 2 the store to get food, my neighbor's mother was coming out of his house. she came over and thanked me for the healing energies we had sent when we 1st heard about the accident. this we did do. she saidshe had made us a thank card and a pumpkin roll4 all we had done.

i told her she didnt have to worry bout any of it. we didnt do anythng any1 else wouldnt have done. after all, all we did was take care of Aspen his husky,we luv Aspen and yes we sent healing energy to him. but i kno he would do the same for m and i do believe he would. regardless of what i wrote earlier, i know he is not an entirely bad person, he jst knows bad people and issum how caught up in all of it.

i felt so bad for his mom listening 2 her tell me how he was breathing on his own now, but they could still lose him. she had to go to st. joeseph to work on getting power of attorney for him to help take care of him financially and to make decisions for him that he couldnt make rite now.

just last nite i wastelling his ex not to gosee him because she still feels all this anger towards him and it wasnt wise to go up there feeling that way. if she couldnt be positive, it would be better not to. i had also told her not to feel guilt for what happeed to him. she felt guilty because she had asked the god and goddess to let him and this other girl feel the pain they had caused her and her daughter. she had left it up 2 he gods on what they would do, she gave them nothing specific. which is what i normally do, just that whom ever harms me recieve exactly what they did back. she said that was all she did, only she was full of hurt and rage, not calm like i told her she was supposed to be.

well, i didnt realy have much to say to that accept that this happened for wht ever reason and she couldnt take the blame for it. the gods did it for a reason and its not for us decide if it was the rite choice or not. we dont get to say "hey, u shouldnt have done it like that, or thats not what i wanted", especially when we left it up to them to begin with.

so here i sit feeling terrible for his mother, his dog, my friend, which i did tell her she needs to find whatever it is that is preventing her from 4giving him and fix it. she cant hate him 4ever. she needs to make peace with it.

she told me she hates him. i asked her if she was sure about that. luv and hate come from the same place and are closely tied to 1 another. u can hate sum1 with all the passion in the world, notice i used the word passion, and find u can still luv that person. u can do both. it didnt surprise her when i told her she prbably still luvd him, which is why she was still broken hearted, actually her response was "sumthing".

so his mter could feel the healing energies i originally sent. i was a little more than shocked. i told her i would keep him in my thougts during this time and wished them the best. i wasnt lying, i wish death on no one. but i still feel nothing virtually when it comes to him personally.

i was talking to my husband about this earlier and even he thinks its strange. me being a person who feels as deeply as i do. he agrees, maybe those creeps have messed with me enough to make me immune to certain things.

i wanted to hurt them when they showed up at my grammy's funeral in june. but it was their doing as to why i felt nothing then. their exuse was i shouldnt mourn over my human family, they are just human after all. not like us.

i was so outraged, i wanted to cry but couldnt, couldnt feel anything then, i cant feel virtually anything now.

here my neighbor could die any day or become an invalid, sum1 i used to have cookouts with, used to keep me company while my husband was out of town, we used to have bonfires in our backyards, yet i feel nothing, it cant b just because i kno he helped those creeps. in my heart of hearts i cant believe he did any of it purposly, at least not at first. and if he did i dont think he really knew what he was doing. how much it was really hurting me.

then i still have my drummer friend who died. i've been listening to their music all day. and if icould get it figured out as to how to download music on this flippin website, they'd b on here along with a few others. but alas, i cant. my husband wants 2 kno, why is sum1 only recognized as being great after u die rather than while ur still alive when it actually matters. its a good question really. hehears all the time at shows he does how great he played and things like that, but when u bcome famous like my other friends, how much do u really get 2 hear it then? and every1 is writing to him as if he was still here, they should have thought about that when he was alive. i wrote to the others and apologized to them and told them i was sorry for their loss. i told them how much they still meant to me. and not to 4get themselves in all of this.

i know as a band members wife, the band creates their own litte family. sure its a business and sumtimes u make hard decisions u dont want to, but when ur together like they are sumtimes, u cant help but become a family. their loss is just as great as any1 elses, probably worse. this i am feeling, a little. all of us who are associated with them or bands are all feeling it i think. it is a great loss to all of us in the music world. blessed be "rev", may u now enjoy the pleasures of the summerlands and may all of us join u when our time is rite

i'm not sure what i should be feelig rite now. my neighbor on the solstice was in an xtreme car accident. he may suffer sum perminant brain damage. he is in a drug induced coma rite now. we had been taking care of his husky until the family could find another alternative.

why am i uncrtain of how i should feel? lots of reasons. he used and abused a dear friend of mine when they were together, played her like a violin. hurt her daughter, her daughter thought she had a father. piinned sum of her friends agaist her. is it all his fault? no, she helped. she di her fair share of hurting aswell. no one is entirely to blame in any situation. but he was a great part of it. i staid out of it. i tried t b friends wth both, for the most part it worked. i am not one who talks behind one's back.

so i was friends with both. it worked until she moved out. she wont come over cuz h lives next door and he had hurt her so bad. i understand this, but it is hard to have a friendship thats 1 sided. but once she moved out, it seems his interest in us lessoned as well.

that was fine 2, it was easier to tell her, "No i havent talked to him lately" when she did call me.

what i didnt see was the things i should have picked up that whole time that i didnt. like when he was asking me about astro-planing when he would have me over for dinner and my husband was in chicago with his band. when he asked me about which gods i worshipped. or things of that nature. he said he was just learning to be wiccan.

his ex had even told he was just picking up the religion so i didnt second guess it. i didnt even second guess it when sum of his exes would stop by and drop off books 2 him and he would show them 2 me. them being wiccan as well.

so i dont really know if he was just actually getting in2 the religion and just knew people who were already in2 it, or if he was lying 2 both his ex and i. now that i think back on most of our conversations he and i had, they werent questions a newling has. they were questions more designed to find out what kind of knowledge i possessed on certain subjects.

subjects that would later quite literally bite me in the rump.

i couldnt figure out for the longest time how these certain creeps knew so much personal things about me. i just couldnt figure it out. how were they able to know where i was 24-7, how could they enter my dreams no matter what i tried, how could theyknow so much, even trivial things. i knew by entering my dreams u ca find out a great deal about sum1. but sum of it, no.

sum1 told m it had 2 b sumi close 2 me, but i coulnt figureout who, until a couple of weeks ago rite b4 school got out.

i left a little early cuz i had to talk to my boss, low and bhold the office that watches my house and calls my cell phone from his phone ws leaving a note on his front door. he got in his cruiser while i sat there and watched. i wanted to run up there and grab the noter, but i left instead.

a day later, my neighbor comes over and wants 2 know if he can download our internet in2 his computer cuz he can pick up the signal at his house but he needs the code to access it. i already kno it wont work cuz my daughter tried it on hers so i tell him sure.

he asks me while he's trying how my samhain went, he knew cuz he had been home that nite, he knew i staid home. but i told him anyway. then i asked him what my fave officer wanted. he asked what i was talking about.

i told him i had seen said officer leave a note on his door, i wondered if everything was ok. i knew it had to b a mistake cuz he was a nice person, couldnt do nothin wrong. he acted stunned, said he knew nothing of a note. i told him to check in the bushes incase it blew off b4 he came home.

it didnt download like i knew it wouldnt and he left. however sumthing must have becaue ever since then my computer gets hakced once in a while and they change my profile songs on me in my myspace account. my internet is even nice enough to tell me there is a third party network connected to me. at 1st i didnt kno what that was. i do now. now i just shut everything down. so in retrospect, i think he was the missing link i wasnt seeing, mayb becaue he was 2 obvious. did i not believe it was him because he was close 2 me at 1 point or again becaus it was 2 obvious. he lives right next door to me.

when he's gone, we watch his dog for him, when jimmy is gone do to band things, he keeps an eye on me and the kids and if we're all gone, the house. why did i not c it b4.

so now i ask myself, why do i not feel bad for his accident? even knowing what i know now, it is still in my nature to feel remorse. yet the only remorse i feel is for Aspen his husky. i feel bad because i kno he is missing his owner and now us.

the next thing that has me perplexed, a band i came across this past year thanks 2 the creeps i mentioned b4. now with everything that has happened bcuz of these creeps and what they have done 2 me, i shouldt like anything they have given me. yet, they stick a cd in my truck with sum songs circled on it that made my skin crawl when i 1st heard it. now i cant get enough of the band or their music. even my husband thinks theres sumthing wrong with that.

i am friends with a few f the local bands in our area, mainly because of my husband. but i was on myspace one night checking out this bands website, and for kicks and giggles i thought i would put in a friend request 2 them. now why would i do that if their music was given 2 me by sum creeps who cant leave me alone and i should infact want nothing to do with them either? i have no idea. i just thought it would b funny. imagine my surprise when not even 5 min. later they responded back. now they're on my myspace account. that is funny.

whats not funny, they were in the studio makng their next cd and doing a compilation cd in honor of dime bag derrell and their drummer has now passed away. it is sad. yet at this point, i'm not sure i feel anything. i dont kno i it has anything to do with those creeps and everything they put me thru or if i truly am losing feeling. usually i am emotional.

when the band sent out e-mails to al those who r involved with them, they asked that people resect the drummers family and give them privacy. i sent them back 1 reinding them that they were his family as well, not 2 4get it. i kno from experience that yes being in a band there is a lot of business, but u also create a family of ur own. sumtimes u have 2 push the family aspect aside to make business decisions and sumtimes u dont. soon that band will need a lot of help on the choices they make. will they even continue and if they do will this next drummer b anything like their last brother? it will be a hard and difficult road. 1 no band wants 2 have to go down. my thoughts and prayers are with them all.

i was sittig here with my sixteen year old going back and forth thru my myspace and facebook accounts and i started thinking. i had just wrote a letter to a friend of mine aking for an update on his daughter who doesnt live far from me, but does from him. they are the same age, odd.



but it got me thinking of how things have changed in all these years. especially in the children. how they change so much. i had just bought my six year old a bike for yule. its so big compared to the one she had. i can remember how little she was when we bought the other one.



but as i sat there going back and forth between the accounts i noticed something. we were attached to each other, the sixteen year old and i. much like we were twelve years ago.



only twelve years ago, i was walking thru the house cleaning it, she was in head start. we were listening to kiss on my walkman and she was just following me around the house.



the head start building was being renivated so the teacher came to the house for class once a week. she came to the door and as stated my child was attached to via head phones. she asked her what she was listening to. much to my embarrassment she replied "Lets put the x in sex". what can i say? its kiss!



so i sit here with a grin, not all things changed as time has gone on. we sat here, headphones attaching us together, only its her mp3 player this time and we are listening to music together.



she may grow taller, her hair may change, she can grow up, graduate, get married, have children. but i hope this is one of the precious moments that never change as time goes on in our lives together.

well i had fun this weekend hanging w/my friends friday nite, we partied up in b.c. it was great. then saturday nite, i hung out w my husband and his band. it was great 2. we had got ri of the kids 4 the weekend so we had it all 2 ourselves. what could have been better? not a whole lot.



wewere on top of the world when we came home saturday nite, we hadnt gone out like that in a long time. it just never happens. but our new found luv 4 the moment was killed when i checked the messages on our house phone and found a text from "them". yes, everything in my house is wireless so you can text my huse phone. its cool, but at that moment, not so cool.



it read: duing the rise of christianity during the the roman and greek periods, the Isis and Osiris cults still flourished.



how do i kno it wa them? because like me, they worship Isis and Osiris 2. i was stunned they used the name Isis, and not the egyptian word 4 her. i checked, there as only a 4 digit code, n numbr. i even tried to call and text it anyway. no dice. Assholes.



so i let it go and got on the web sunday and researched all the key phrases from the text. i didnt learn much more than i already knew. go figure.



what i did learn however was Osiris' name i egyptian whic is either Asur or Asuer, depending on which text u read. and Anubis' is Anpu. pretty cool. i got something for my efforts anyway. i wouldnt have even wasted my time considering who the text came from, except my husband insisted.



i also found a book i think i mite want 2 get. its called "Gods or Vampires?" i bet they didnt want me 2 find that. when i look sumthing up, i look at everything. that way i have a broad perspective of everything.

ya kno, i knew it was just a matter of time w/everything going on around me b4 my husband would loose his mind 2 sum extent, i just didnt think it would b this soon or like this.



now 4 those who dont kno, my husband plays in a band, we have friends who r in bands that we support and go c from time 2 time. i cant always go w/him bcuz of the kids. which is just a part of life. known fact.



he wont let me go anywhere alone bcuz of these creeps who seem 2 b everywhere and i mean everywhere. not even 4 blocks 2 our youngest 1s school by myself. geez.



but anyway, we went up 2 b.c. 2 c 1 of our friends preform this weekend, got rid of the kids this weekend so it could b just him and i. cool huh. i thought so.



anyway, the lead singer's girl couldn't b there for sum reason and he was kinda down about it. my husband understands that all 2 well.



so again we were all just hanging out having a good time, but this 1 fan would not leave our friend alone. she was all over him. he would try 2 push her away, but, not 2 hard cuz he didnt want 2 b an ass i think.



she was all over him at the bar, so he thought coming 2 sit w/us would help. nope. it ended up giving her easier access 2 him. so he ended up leaving and going toward the stage. after a short while, she followed him there 2. so he went sumwhere else. he ended up leaving. which upset us cuz he and his band had invited us out 2 come join them 4 the nite.



well on the way home, my husband reminded me how the girl was treating him, told me about things i didnt see. cuz i was talking with the other band members as well. i wasnt watching him solely. but apparently my husband was. i guess he was feeling bad 4 him.



he also reminded me how he as a band member himself helps watch out for other members' girls, and other girls we kno when i cant b there watch out 4 him. give the appearance their 2gether when infact they'e not. just 2 keep unwanted attention off. so yea, it old him i knew about it. i was thankful he was so kind and that we had friends like that 2 help him out as well when he was on the road.



then he said our friend needed sum1 like that 4 when his girl couldnt b there, give the appearance he was taken so psycho chicks would keep their hands off. i agreed. he did need help in that area. keep them away and 2 keep him out of trouble. sum1 safe.



exactly my husbnd said, that was why he was going 2 get a hold of our friend and ask him if he wanted 2 have me on loan 4 when the girlfriend couldnt b there.



i said what? u want me 2 do what? u want 2 put me on loan so he can do what exactly! my husband told me not 2 worry, it wouldnt b 2 bad, i would only b at their shows when the girlfriend couldnt b, and i would only need 2 b snuggled and hold hands w/him, mayb a kiss or 2, nothing serious just 2 give the appearance we were 2gether 2 keep the girls off. and probably not all the time when i was there. the rest of the time i could do what i normally do which is hang out w/the drummer and his wife and the rest of the band mates.



the benefits 4 me he explained would b more time w/ the drummer's wife since we were so close, and since i luved the band sooo much and they apparently luvd me 2, i would b able 2 go 2 more shows. that would b a plus 4 me.



k, so here's the problem i c, yes i am safe for the singer, i'm already married and want nothing from him. we are all friends and luv each other. but every time i walk in2 the room when we go 2 c them, he makes a point 2 drop what he's doing 2 come over 2 me and give me a hug and a kiss already. its friendly and theres nothing there, but still.



when he's on stage he makes sum point 2 acknowlegde me, not anything more than a friendly gesture mind u, but he doesnt do that really 2 anybody else, not like he does w/me. when he jumps down on the floor during his performance, he makes a point to come over 2 me and give me a hug. he is just very friendly w/me.



if he knows i'm going 2 b there, he makes it a point to make sure i kno he knows i'm there. and he will look 4 me until i do walk thru that door, its like he has radar. he just always makes a point 2 b near me and if he gets caught up in sumthing, he makes a point 2 apologize 2 me 4 it.



i kno we are all friends, and friendly. and i want 2 help especially cuz my husband asked me 2, but i just get this feeling... its a really bad idea. i also want 2 help him cuz i would hate 4 him 2 do sumthing stupid and end up ruining his relationship, but they need 2 find sum1 else i think.



but my husband, even w/my protests about it, says i would b perfect 4 it. every1 already sees how close the guy and i are. we have a connection that yes even at first intimadated him, but now that he sees its just friendly, it doesnt bother him, but any1 on the outside lookng in wouldnt kno that. thats why it would b perfect and safe.



i still think he's lost it, but if thats what they want 2 do... then i guess i'll give it a try. after all, i am just helpng a friend out of bad situations. and helping him not 2 screw up a good thing he's got going.