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reflections
23:50 Dec 27 2008
Times Read: 1,141

this evening i was sitting here at the computer reflecting. this year my best friend B lost her mother at the end of this summer and i have been there with her, for her every step of the way. including through this lengthy drawing out of the handling of her mothers estate.

her two oldest siblings have made it a nightmare and are bound and determined to find some way, any way of excluding her and her brother.

not a day goes by that she does not break down.

then there is a lady here who seems very nice.

i do not know her really but i follow her journals and she reminds me a bit of B but with a wonderful family around her. it was after an email to her, asking if she still communicated that i began to think about Erica.

then right here at the computer i broke down and began to cry. i removed myself to my bathroom because my own remaining grief is private. October 4th marked 2 years since her passing and suddenly tonight i missed her. she always had so much fun with the kids at Christmas.

it occurred to me that i have not talked with her in so long.

i met her at Christmas time when i was 15. she was the best friend i had until she passed when i was 32.

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resolutions
01:54 Dec 27 2008
Times Read: 1,146

my mother taught me things when i was growing up. how to cook, how to laugh. to always grin and bear it. i remember she always said to me(and still does)hope for the best but expect the worst, you will never be disappointed.

i learned growing up that my feelings were not nearly as important as the impact that my life conditions had on others.

no matter what happened, keep a stiff upper lip keep up appearances. never let people see me unhappy or angry. i suppose it is why i do not journal as often as i should.

i have never been a great letter writer.

i do not want to tell people about the hard aspects of my life. it is not the attention that i want. i do write well though i can be proud of that, i just never felt that anyone cared what the odd looking girl from Portland, Oregon had to say. i guess in some ways i have not been fair to people. to the people whose journals i read as much as anyone who might read mine, perhaps i should let you decide for yourselves.

so i resolve in the coming year...to journal more.

i cannot daily but i can journal on paper on my days offline and give the highlights when i am back. i can let people know me through my words and feelings. yeah i think i can do that.

COMMENTS

the shelf life of discontent
07:04 Dec 20 2008
Times Read: 1,157

for 8 years i worked for a well known grocery/retail establishment in the Pacific Northwest. i was very proud of the company and i had a lot of pride in the work that i did there. in the first two years employed in the Deli, i learned every aspect of the every job including management. i was able to efficiently and expertly handle the jobs of three people on a daily basis. there was even talk of making me a manager myself.

i loved my patrons. they were a wonderful group of people who stopped by weekly and sometimes daily just to say hello and yes usually they would purchase something. what made the job unbearable was my boss and coworkers. they did everything possible to make the workplace an unfriendly environment. everything from complaining about home, each other and management to down right catty behavior and picking at each other.

i remained in the first store almost 7 years before transferring. placating myself by talking back to the boss and even just telling her to eff off and do her job so that i could do mine. i didn't socialize with my co workers and either tried to ignore them or told them to shut up unless their conversation pertained to me. my feelings being that their lives were unimportant to me because i was not living them.

here lied the problem, in some way they did matter. because every time someone came to work in tears or someone's husband called to argue or even when someone had a sick offspring at home and was getting sick themselves, it did affect me. it took someone off the floor and made my job that much harder, it caused bad attitudes that affected our patrons.

i stayed as long as i could for the sake of the patrons who returned so regularly that i could set a watch by them and then one day had enough. i had enough of being screwed with, lied to and just plain treated shabblily because i didn't kiss ass. i walked into the Directors office and told him that i wanted a two week paid vacation effective immediately or i was going to quit, i had four weeks saved up. during that time i got myself transferred.

i honestly, stupidly perhaps thought that a change of venue would make a differance. it didn't. i saw the same petty vindictiveness in the next store, again i stayed for my patrons.

what finally made the differance was to stop. i put in my two week notice and left, but the turmoil from the workplace followed me. one day i decided to just stop; stop thinking about it, stop talking about it, just...stop. after that i felt better.

it was the same with my toxic relationship with my ex. one day i decide that it didn't matter. it doesn't you know. when someone is on another side of the country and you shut the door,close off their ability to talk to you about upsetting things that do not matter stop listening and/or talking to the people who continue to update you about their behaviors...they no longer matter. because in my reality, they no longer exist.

eventually i left both situations. without stress and on my own terms. that is the way it should be.

at this time of year, people go through their closets and get rid of things they no longer need. in two more weeks, people will be posting threads in the forum about New Years resolutions. letting go of the hazardous habits and influences the way the week before they let go of old shoes, clothing and toys. making room for the new shiny things. things which will enrich us, make us happy.

the one constant in life is change. it will rain or shine, people will pass through our lives and leave their marks, masks are removed and as a result some people move on while others stay. the house that once had loud music emanating from it will grow silent when those people move away...can you hear the wind? it's nature is change.

COMMENTS

BLOODLIFE
09:50 Dec 20 2008

You show a great strength of character ...

moonkissed
15:30 Dec 20 2008

thank you BL. i try, it is not always easy. you see the air thins on the high road and i get headaches and nosebleeds.

there are some small sick people in the world
12:57 Dec 18 2008
Times Read: 1,164

the last few days i have had a really strong feeling that i needed to contact a good friend of mine who resides in Glens Falls NY. i could not find her phone number, so i emailed a mutual friend. her response surprised me some, talk of mean people and saying that our friend was in shock. she gave me the phone number. that was last night.

this morning she had posted this:

so, i have a transgendered friend. male living as a female. sadly, she is pre-op since she can't afford the operation, but she's every bit a woman to me. she's a wonderful person with a beautiful soul, and she's been through so much in life. right now, she's living by herself in a small town. small town+different=not good, sadly.

she called me today to tell me she just got home from the hospital. someone broke into her house and repeatedly stabbed her in the groin with scissors. deeply. so much so, that she got sent to the ICU OR to get emergency stitches, and got knows what else.----------------------------------------

i had no idea this had happened. it really is rotten. anyone living in that area and hearing anything in connection with this, please contact me. the woman(TG)who was attacked is disabled and very likely went right into a seizure while the stabbing occurred. they have no idea who the assailant is. my friends and myself are the only family she has got and the only people who care about her. the police in GF won't go out of their way to find this person. so i am posting this here.

COMMENTS

xXMorticiaXx
03:54 Dec 19 2008

I am so sorry to hear about this.. I wish I were there, I would so help you hunt down this SOB.

i guess this time it was just to much
03:32 Dec 15 2008
Times Read: 1,175

i guess this time it was too much

you know that one person who always pretends to be friends with everyone? their lives are completely out of control but they always seem upbeat through it all? then something happens and they rain down terror on you and make you wish you could crawl into a corner and die. usually it has something to do with another close friend. every work place, carpool, school and website has one of these assholes. guess who picked the short straw and got hit with the asshole stick this time? if you guessed me you were right. it was aimed at my best friend, she ducked and i got nailed...right between the eyes, metaphorically speaking. this was an online thing(stupid stupid stupid). my best friend had been fighting with the Site owners on and off online fling and i finally stepped in and said enough. what followed was an incident that i found made me feel more violated than i have ever felt in my life. i no longer feel safe posting anything, including an email on that site.

i am stepping away now and taking some time before i do something more rash than what i already did, which was the online equivalent of smashing everything in my home until i felt better. i obliterated my profile there. it is still there but naked as a jaybird and it will be until i know what the fuck to do with myself.

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