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I admit to having control issues. I have always been a strictly hands on, must see, must taste or do kind of person. Most of what I fear are things that I do not know. If it is something I have never tried or is not readily available or visible to me and I must face it; I fear it. Until such a time as I have faced it and know what it looks like. I think a lot of people are like that though not many can be so concise.



I also feel the need to understand as completely as possible my own physiology. It is not enough to know my body is doing something. I need to be able to visualize it. I need to understand the mechanics behind science. In order to maintain my physical control. I have over the course of my life, gone to such great lengths to experience, analyze, catalogue and then control that I have ruined many an alcoholic and narcotic buzz. It's true.



All of that being said, I have been slightly concerned over the drugs that I am taking in order to mask pain. Once I know the pain I am not specifically concerned with it. Sometimes it is something that must be endured until it is no longer endurable. I am the sort of person who will press a cut and bandaged finger against a surface in order to feel the twinge. I do not know why. I feel various degrees of pain and discomfort. The question is, which pain is a real unendurable pain and which is manufactured by my mind out of fear and a possibly growing addiction? I am no fool. I will not play with addiction. The medication must be treated as a tool, not a toy.



On Tuesday and Wednesday I had guests in my home. During the visits, time passed quite enjoyably by the time I glanced at the clock in both cases it was an hour or more past the time that I normally would have taken my pill and I was feeling little pain or discomfort. There was mild discomfort associated with the very real pain of swelling which happens late every day and also in my heel, which I do medicate for because it just becomes horribly unbearable. Of course once I saw the clock I started to feel pain. So yesterday I made a concentrated effort to endure for as long as possible. I kept my movements to a minimum and made an effort to keep my foot elevated because it really does swell and when it does swell, it really does hurt and then turn cold. I held off my first dose 11 hours and the next dose which is later in the day about an hour or two and had to take a pill around 2am which was basically right on time. I am thinking that I probably only need to medicate for pain right now when I am super active like during a car trip which has me on my feet a bit more and towards the end of the day when I am exhausted and tired of tolerating the aching and throbbing as well as the nerve games. So I will take a pill when I need to focus or need to be able to rest. My hope is that by the time I go back to Ortho I can be taking straight and normal doses of Acetaminophen instead of the Opioids. At that time if I am feeling severe pain still I will be able to better explain it in detail and severity and determine whether I need an Opioid assist.

Yesterday was what some people would consider uneventful. For me it had it's victories, trials and even some sadness. Since my fall in March my sleep has been awful most of the time. Most recently I wake every hour to hour and a half with pain in my heel. I suppose my heel is being affected by two things; 1. I have always slept on my stomach even as an incubator I slept on my stomach but for over a month I have slept either on my side or since my surgery on my back. When I tried to sleep on my side after surgery my mind played ghastly tricks on me. I am(in case one would not know by looking at my profile)a horror movie lover. I dare say aficionado. When the doctors ask me about the worst pain I could imagine I can conjure some pretty horrendous pain. The image cast in my mind trying to sleep on my side with my new metal bits was one of the sutures separating and the metal slipping through and laying against the cast. By sleeping on my back with my leg elevated I could be putting strain on my heel. The second thing which could be affecting it is the damage suffered by my arch. The poor dear was purple, actually the most horribly bruised part of my whole leg. I had bruising at my knee on the right. When I broke it the entire bone moved. The arch has been significantly painful through all this time so I could be mistaking pain in the arch for a pain in the heel. At any rate it keeps me from sleeping and the only way to ease it is to sit up and let my foot dangle. I wake several times in the night to sit up and dangle my foot until I can't bear to keep it down. Last night I was so tired that I could not even trust myself to make it to the bathroom on my crutches but luckily the rolling computer chair was at hand so I used that to get from my bed to the bathroom.



Yesterday I woke at 5:30am and just said fuck it. Crutched out to the kitchen and made coffee. The Man bought an insulated carafe so that a pot of coffee can be transported to the bedroom which serves as my hub when I am alone in the house. I managed to get the carafe to the bedroom and enjoy my morning coffee. Around 9 I decided to try to make something to eat. I found a clean pan and a spatula(clean dishes are hard to find in my house these days)and scrambled some eggs. Unable to reach the grits to make porridge I settled for popping some potatoes into the microwave. I put the whole mess into a plastic container and the container into a grocery bag and got it back to my room. That was a big victory for me. I have not used the stove unassisted in weeks but I am having an easier time being mobile and I can sit up for longer and longer periods of time. This allows me to play my games on fb as well as participating more on my two other social nets.



Sadly yesterday I discovered that the flash on my computer is so far out of date that I can no longer fully participate in the heavy flash apps. In fact some video add ons won't fully load on youtube either. No more chefville and FV2 for me I am afraid. I didn't play them all day every day but I did enjoy them in the times I could sit and play them. It is just a fact of life. Things get old and then they die. Hopefully the household computer can last long enough to see us entering an era that allows for such an extravagance as a new one. With our geographic location we would be quite fuckered without it.

Last night I slept badly.

I had the oddest nightmares and they followed me into waking. A full nights sleep has been rare since breaking my ankle. I am wakened by any sort of pain or discomfort.

Sometimes I am afraid that I will feel metal in my leg for the rest of my life. It is the worst when my lower leg feels cold.

A month ago I broke my ankle, slipping and falling in my yard. It required surgery and now I metal in my bones.

Sometimes it hurts pretty badly.

This week I am finally feeling up to sitting up at the computer and the kids are on Spring Break. I guess I will try to be on a little next week then.

COMMENTS

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sahahria
14:52 Apr 03 2013

Good to see you around again :)

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SouthernFreak
19:00 Apr 03 2013

Sorry to read about your ankle. I hope you to feeling better quickly. Good luck with the kids and spring break.

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Hypothetical question; it's just been rolling around in my head and I have nothing better to do.

A man gets a puppy and keeps it for 4 years. One day he meets a lovely woman and the two of them decide to mate. About 6 months into the relationship the woman decides that the dog is a liability. She wishes to have progeny you see and the dog, though never having been a danger before in his life, could pose a risk to her not yet born child.

The man already had the dog when he met this woman. Am I wrong in thinking that he should be gelded if he puts the pup to the pound in order to appease this woman's whim?

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sahahria
14:52 Apr 03 2013

Yup. But I would NEVER even date someone who didn't like my animals, or who was allergic. Sorry, they are my commitment for their LIFE.



If something happens to me, I have provisions written for them. To me, they are like my kids, only they will never "grow up".

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moonkissed
16:40 Apr 03 2013

My thought too. I could brain my brother for making the choice he did. My father ended up saving the dogs life by offering to take custody and getting a written provision from his doctor making the dog a companion animal.

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