The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag.



-The moment where you're like, "WHO THE F^CK TOOK MY, oh.. there it is.. "



-Guess what I saw today?!... Everything I looked at.



-The awkward moment when you're eating dinner at someone else's house and you don't like the food, but you have to pretend to like it.



-That awkward moment when someone says 'You two should go out!' and you're there like...I wish.



-Strangers: "Excuse me please".....Family: "Coming through."......Best-friends: "Get out my way b*tch!"



-I failed at a spelling test because they asked me how to spell STUPID and I put down your name.



-Typical problem with buying online: Cost: $5. Shipping: $1,000,000



-lol = Drowning Man. *lol* = Drowning Cheerleader.



-Math questions are so stupid. They’re all like “If I have 30 chocolate bars and I eat 29, what do I have?” I don’t know, diabetes maybe?



-Randomly staring at your phone to avoid an awkward situation.



-Hearing yourself sing in the shower and wondering why the f*ck you haven’t made an album yet.



-Oh, so you wanna argue? BRING IT. I GOT MY CAPS LOCK ON BITCH!



-Yawning is contagious - even thinking about yawning is enough. After reading this fact, there is a 30% chance you will yawn.



-The second most popular search item on yahoo is "google".



-Being the first to clap in an audience & then everybody joins you & thinking "Yeah, you are all my bitches."



-How to avoid hangovers? stay drunk.



-Smart man + smart woman = romance. Smart man + dumb woman = affair. Dumb man + smart woman = marriage. Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy.



-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.



-A wife is dreaming in bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts "Quick! My husband is home!" Her husband wakes up and jumps out of the window...



-That awkward moment when someone starts acting drunk after 1 drink.



-333: I'm only half evil.



-That awkward moment when you've already said "What?" 3 times and still have no idea what the person is saying, so you just give up



-The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell their body parts for money.



-Everyone has to admit that the most depressing moment is when you wake up early and realize that you only have five minutes of sleep left.



-I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"



-If you watch Saw backwards, it is a truly amazing and touching story about one man providing countless limbs for the disabled.



-Blanket on = too hot. Blanket off = too cold. One leg out = perfect... Until the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it.



-Think of a number. Double it. Add six. Half it. Take away the number you started with. Your answer is three.



-Things to do today: 1.wake up 2.survive 3.go back to bed



-I wonder how many strangers have taken a photo with me in the background.



-My mum told me to follow my dreams, so I took a nap.



-That awkward moment when the ticket taker says enjoy your movie and you say, "You too"



-That awkward moment when you make eye contact with someone while eating a banana..



-I almost when to jail today... Monopoly gets so intense.



-Facebook: Scrolling down your newsfeed & thinking: "Dont care." "Your life sucks" "Song lyrics." "Inside joke?" "Needs a therapist..



-Things I do when I have to study: 1% = study. 99% = tell people I have to study



-The awkward moment when you say bye to someone and you realize you're going in the same direction.



-Can you please be serious ? "Ok, ok... I'm gonna be serious now." *DEEP BREATH..* *Bursts out laughing*



-Answering Machine: Hi! My phone is probably near me. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message. If I don't call back, it's you



-Calls 911: *Dispatcher* "911, what's your emergency?" *Me* "2 girls are fighting over me" "So what's the problem Sir" "Ugly one is winning"



-I hate when I'm singing a song and someone joins in... I'm like "B!tch, this isn't high school musical"



-AROUND FRIENDS: "Damn it you motherf^cker, go die in a f^cking hole!" AROUND PARENTS: "Oh darn it you silly goose!"



-When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 15 and under..



-''This isn't even scary!' *Based on a true story* ... ''Oh sh*t..''



-Dear radio, is it necessary for you to play a song I like when I arrive at my destination?



-It's crazy how your parents think your friends are bad influences, but honestly- sometimes YOU'RE the one coming up with the ideas.



-Just so you know If I were a bird, you'd be the first person I'd crap on.



-That Awkward Moment When Someone's Breath Stinks, So You Offer Them Gum And They Say "No Thank You."



-Even Stupid conversations make sense when you are talking to someone special.



-"I'm ugly" ...You spelled "attention seeking whore" wrong.



-My chinese friend died last week. So Yung.



-Girls: "Oh my god! i hate her.." "OMG ME TOO!" = instant best friends.



-Hearing noises when you're home alone and just accepting the fact you're gonna die.