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A wise man once told me " in the end, it doesn't matter who has the shiniest car, most expensive house, none of that, what matters in life and what gives our lives meaning is how much we have loved and how much we have been loved." It is cruel that something so meaningful, is so painful.

Love finds me so easily and it doesn't take much for someone to love me. Literally effortless. Yet it is so hard for me to love back. If love is the meaning to life and love finds me so easily, shouldn't my life be meaningful?

Maybe to others but not to me.

Is it because it is hard for me to love?

Do i deny my own meaning?

Just like i deny whatever brings me peace?

Because im afraid of being hurt, afraid of being hated, afraid of getting sick, afraid of not being good enough. I still live in fear and i am so fragile.



So what is my meaning? Love is too often and is what i do. Comes to me with ease.



Is it cruel that love, the meaning of life, is so painful or is it cruel that i charm people with love and peace?



Or is it cruel that i can toss it aside so quickly and leave a person broken hearted, lost even, and really, that love was just another love?



Or is it cruel that i give love and peace, cause heartbreak, can toss it aside and be fine..



and as i look at what i do, the people ive hurt and the destruction i cause. I realize that these are the exact things i deny and fear?



Because i can see and feel what it does to people.

Yet none of this can be helped.

Its apart of me.



If love is the meaning, and i cause the meaning, shouldn't i be meaningful? even to myself?

To others i am but how can i find that meaning when it happens so often and easily?



Too frequent or anything loses its charm. I want to love, I will love, but love does not have the same meaning for me as it does a human.



So i ask...



What is the meaning of life for a vampire?



When i feed, through blood, or energy, or sex.

I feel at peace. I feel right.



Is this my meaning?

Or am i a slave to this?

Or is there more?

Perhaps this is different vampire to vampire.

Something i admit i lack experience and probably understanding in.

But i am supposed to feed from humans.

With feeding, nothing else matters.



Is this how people are with love?



Is this how people "feed"?

What gives them meaning?



Again this goes back to my feedings.

Is this what im meant for?

My meaning?



The only love i have found meaningful is vampiric, with other vampire.

What i love and care to.



Maybe the only meaning is with other vampires. Because in all honesty, vampires are not mainly my food.



You get food that has deep meaning but none of it really matters. Its food.



That's what humans do is go to their level with another human. Humans cant love even their most favorite foods. They need someone on their own level.



Humans, my food, some are like apple sauce to me but its just food, its not on my level.



My level is vampire.

Its time to get on my level.



So i'll give humans their meaning, love, even though cruel. I will feed and be at peace, and i will love back the people who are worth loving to me and who are meaningful to me as well.





My vampire family.

Ever since mankind, poets wrote about the erotic spirit. The nature of love. the most sensuous, brilliant love. Imagination is what fuels a poet. Tapping into both physical and mental realities whether its real reality or not. We just came out of a hateful yet benifitial time. Benifitial to the minds knowledge. Much more knowledge since the 1800's and before. Does our new knowledge really dumb down our erotic spirits? Is it give or take? You gain knowledge on the world yet lose more sense of our erotic nature? Have we lost our ability to really love or was it fake all along? our imagination? But if it was only imagination to love, and we all don't have imagination, expecially when we "grow up" and have less innocence than in youth, did we really grow since then? Have we learned so much and filled our world with so much hate that we cannot love? are more wary? more cautious? or we do not wish to love because we have become accustomed to the hate and knowledge? maybe we can but we have seen so much hate that we fear to. Because when we love we become vulnerable to those people we love, we give them the key to do what they wish with. To hurt us or love us. We have led ourselves in vicious cycle. Is there any one that breaks this? People who step out of this cycle? People who are willing to go through the pain to be real, and once real. They really love? It definately takes strength to love. Do people lack the skills? Are there only few people in the world that will truely be able to love? Fall in love and be real? We have literally dug a hole for ourselves in society. It is so hard to be real. With others and oneself. Is it the importance that we need to keep our imagination, our unique self, no matter how the world changes? To be the flexible palm tree in the hurricane? bending and twisting with the harsh wind. No matter what comes its way? I don't believe im ready.