The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with blood on its face. All the bats get excited and ask where he got it from. Off they flew over hills, over rivers and into the dark forest. "see that tree over there?" he says "yes!" they say. "WELL I DIDN'T!!!!!!!!"

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therealthing
21:57 Nov 07 2010

LOL

that is funny

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A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, " Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as

a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked . "Who are you?"

" I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked " And where the hell were you when I got married?"

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therealthing
22:01 Nov 07 2010

LOL

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Oceanne
16:13 Nov 08 2010

Too funny.

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an elephant asks a camel: "why are your breasts on your back?" "well" says the camel "i think it's a strange question from somebody who's dick is in his face"

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therealthing
22:00 Nov 07 2010

ROFL

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go toa computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

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therealthing
22:04 Nov 07 2010

ROFLMFAO AGAIN

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.



They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."



When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.



His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"



"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"



Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.



Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.



The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

two men are having a conversation about how their wives are so into cars...



man 1 - my wife just love cars so much that she even dreams of it every night... while dreaming, she always get a hold of my penis and uses it as a stick shift!



man 2 - well, i think my wife is more into cars than yours... see, my wife always grab my penis, inserts it in her and yells, "full tank, please!"

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"



"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.



And then they made love for the first time.



Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.



Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."



Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."



After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"



The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.



Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.



She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."



Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

OKAY!

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.



Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately.



The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.



The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"



The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf."

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on

his new shiny bike stopped beside him.



''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''



''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''



The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,

''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''



To go along with the cop, the little boy said, nice horse you got their sir,

did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.



the little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put

the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

To get into heaven you had to walk up 100 stairs but on each stair god asks you a joke if you laugh you go to HELL. So the brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then red-head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell. Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing then god asked her "why are you laughing?" the blonde replied "I just got the first one!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

And were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.



Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.



The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach.

He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered

himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up

to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"



Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."



The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.. When he

woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened.





The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach,

this little girl asked me a question.



I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know,

here I am in the hospital in this unbelievable pain."



The police went to the beach, found the little girl,

and asked her, "Just what did you do to that naked fellow?"



After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing



I was playing with his bird and it spit on me.

So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs,

and set its nest on fire!"

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LordRazr
19:57 Nov 07 2010

wow lol

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An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she iz pregnant Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. however, I can't marry her because of my personal familysituation, but I'll take charge.""If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $5,000,000bank account.If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him;"Then you try again...and do ur best this time ''.

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she

married she was to please her husband and never upset him.



So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride

crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her

husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.



She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease, front hole

so happy, back hole laugh out loud."

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”



Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”



Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the

third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After

dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.



After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this

looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely

that we can survive more than a day or two."



"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out

of here alive, would you do something for me?"



"Anything, Father."



"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see

yours."



"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."



The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely

breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.



"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"



She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.



"Father, could I ask something of you?"



"Yes, Sister?"



"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"



"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.



"Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes

of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.



"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give

life."



"Is that true father?"



"Yes, it is, Sister."



"Oh Father that's wonderful... .... stick it in the camel and let's get the

hell out of here."

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,

but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to

her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me

screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on

the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the

time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have

to consult her boyfriend... So she called her

boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the

money very fast, he won't even be able to get his

pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour

goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his

girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and

asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f%*%*%g stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

WIFE:



What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?





HUSBAND:

Definitely not!





WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?





HUSBAND:

Of course I do.





WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?





HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.





WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).





HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).





WIFE:

Would you live in our house?





HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.





WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?





HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?





WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?





HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.





WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?





HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.





WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?





HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.





WIFE:

- ----- silence ----



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HUSBAND:



Oh sh*t!!!

RING-RING

**Pick Up**

Hello?" Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"



"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."



After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."



"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."



Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway!"





"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."





"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the

dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"



"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"





"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I

guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.





He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."



***Long Pause ***

****Longer Pause****



Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? ...... Is this 555 257 9213?

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.



"What are you so happy about?" asked the barman?



"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live down

by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman

tied to the tracks, like in the movies. Of course, I went and cut her

free and took her back to my place.





Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!



We made love all night, all over the house.

We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position

imaginable!"



"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was she

pretty?"



"Dunno'...Never found the head!"

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where His mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.



"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."



Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.



Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.



Little Leroy, Of course, thought he did.



Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.



Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write god a letter.



LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would Like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Leroy



Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very Good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.



LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good Boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Leroy



Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the Letter and started again.



LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Leroy



Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, So he wrote another letter.



LETTER 4:

Dear God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if You just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Leroy



Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter Was not going to get him a bike.



By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his Mother he wanted to go to church.



Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.



"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.



Leroy walked down the street to the church and Up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone Was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, Down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece Of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his final Letter to God.



Letter 5:

I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.



Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO

2guys go into a pub ,when they call for a drink they only have 50p,.

so the first guy saya to his mate,leve it with me get the drinks and tell the bar man il be back to sort the bill.

aftrer 10 minuets the guy comes back,. bar man says 4.50 .he winks at his mate gets a sausage out his pocket and puts it in his fly

his mate gets on his knees and starts to lick the sausage.

bar man shouts you dirty swines get the hell out my bar.

after the 10th bar the 2nd guy turns and says to the 1st one,.

i carnt lickk that sausage no more my knees are killing me.

1st guy shouts your knees? i lost the bloody sausage at the 3rd

bar.......

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.



Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"



American (in a bad mood): "Of course."



Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.



The American listens in silence.



The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"



American: "Of Course."



Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).



"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."



After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"



Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.



American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"



Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."



American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

There was a village where women were dating to different men even they were married.

As this is a mistake they were telling that to the village's priest to pray to God to forgive them for their mistake but they didn't tell they date 4 times, they were telling i ''slipped'' 4 times.

Everybody at the village knew that ''slip'' means date and so did the priest.But in the village a new priest came and he didn't know that ''slip'' means date.

One day the priest found the mayor and he told him : You should fix those roads because women slip all the time

The mayor when he heard that he was laughing

The priest got mad and he told him: Don't laugh because your wife ''slipped'' 10 times today

Man approaches to greet a new neighbor who is just moving into the house next door and asks what he does for a living.

Neighbor 1: I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.



Man: Deductive reasoning? What is that?



Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.



Man: That's right.



Neighbor 1: The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.



Man: Right again.



Neighbor 1: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.



Man: Correct.



Neighbor 1: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.



Man: Yup.



Neighbor 1: That is deductive reasoning.



Man: Cool.



.....Later that same day...



Man: Hey I was talking to that new neighbor next door.



Neighbor 2: Is he a nice guy?



Man: Yes, and he has an interesting job.



Neighbor 2: Oh, yeah? What does he do?



Man: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.



Neighbor 2: Deductive reasoning? What's that?



Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?



Neighbor 2: No.



Man: Faggot.

A man came from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said: \"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?\"

Doreen agreed and again they made love.



Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said,

\"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die\". She agreed, then afterwards, she rolled over and fell asleep. Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. \"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?\"



His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, \"Listen Dave, i have to get up in the morning! You don't ! ! ! ! !\"

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers

and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband

unexpectedly comes home.



She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy

is in there already.

The little Boy says: \"Dark in here.\"

The Man says: \"Yes, it is.\"

Boy: \"I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?\"

Man: \"No, thanks.\"

Boy: \"My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!\"

Man: \"OK, how much?\"

Boy: \"R250-00.\"



A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in

the cupboard together again.



Boy: \"Dark in here.\"

Man: \"Yes, it is.\"

Boy: \"I have soccer boots.\"

The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: \"How much?\"

The Boy says:\"R750-00.\"

The Man says: \"Fine, I will buy them.\"

A few days later, the Father says to the boy: \"Grab your ball and boots,

let's go outside and have a game.\"

The Boy says: \"I can't, I sold them for R1000.\"

The Father says: \"That's terrible to overcharge your friends like

that... R1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take

you to church and make you confess your sins.\"



They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confession booth and he closes the door.



The Boy says: \"Dark in here.\"

The Priest says: \"Don't start that sh!t again!\"

A couple is having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans

over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex

together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very old tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."



"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."



"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and

we can do it for old time's sake?"



"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very

good idea!"



There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to

all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to

see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.



Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to

the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his

trousers.



As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they

erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something

about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the

ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their

clothes back on.



The policeman, still watching, thinks, "This was truly amazing.

I've got to ask them what their secret is."



As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was

something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?



The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"......

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children.



A blind man joins them after a few minutes.



When the bus arrives, they find that it is overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.



After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"



The blind man replies, "If you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is > wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. > You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we > do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, tab and fresca. We > drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to > worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest > cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no > biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, > Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...it doesn't > matter, you're dead anyhow.

Guy: Cool!

Satan: What about Drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great > big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can > do all the drugs you want. You're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: Hell No!...

Satan: Ooooh, You're gonna hate Fridays.

A pregnant woman on the streets of Nairobi is shot three times.But she survives.She is taken to the hospital and told that each of her foetuses took a bullet. Years after on of her triplets Sindy comes home and tells her mum "mommy I was peeing and a bullet came out" The mother explains to her that she was shot while she was pregnant.

Another day the other girl Rachel came home and told her mom "Mommy I was peeing and a bullet came out!" Again the mother explained to her daughter that she got shot while she was pregnant.

Then one day her son Johnny came and told her mother "Mommy the dog is dead " she asked "how " he said "I was wanking and I shot the dog".

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems

when

his teacher picked him to answer a question..

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and

you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly

away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like

the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If

there

were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the

third

one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one

sucking

the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring

on

her finger. But I like the way you are thinking..

Mommy,... I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the Woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an Interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!



At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.



Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her Shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,

"Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his

mom,

"of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him

yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game

again!"

A woman goes to her doctor and tells him that she can't get any from her husband. So he gives her some pills and says "they are experimental pills, put two into his coffee and see what happens".



So she does and the next morning come back and says "the sex was great what if I use ten?"



And the docter replied "they are experimental pills so try it and see what happens".



So the next day she comes back and says "the sex was better, can I put the whole bottle in and see what happens?"



The next morning a little boy comes in and says, "my mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my arse hurts like hell and my father is sitting in the corner saying "here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."

man goes up to hooker and asks,"how much?"

she says 10 bucks for doing it on the grass, 20 bucks for doing it on the couch and 50 bucks for doing it on the bed.

he grabs 50 bucks out from his wallet and hands it to her

she smiles and says,"i see you are a man of clas!"

he says class my arse, i want it five times on the grass

3 sisters ,Ann,Jan & Fanny

they all have big feet

Ann & Jan go on a date,

1 of the boys says "jesus you have big feet"

ann replys "you should see our fanny's their huge"

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her

parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend

that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.



Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip

to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first

time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.



He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.



At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,

a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his

girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on

in!"



The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents

are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.



A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.



10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.



Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and

whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."



The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

hitler walks in to a bar and sits down

Bartender: HOLY SHIT! your'e Adolf hitler! what have you been up to all theese years?

Hitler: i have been hiding in a hole all the time

Bartender: So what will you do now that you are back?

Hitler: kill millions of jews and a parrot

Bartender: Why would you kill a parrot?

Hitler: SEE! i told you no one cares about the jews!

two old ladies outside there nursing home smoking when it started to rain . one of the ladies pulled out a condom an cut of the end an put it over her fag an continued smoking . her freind asks whats that ? she replies a condom so me fag doesnt get wet . wher did u get it her freind asks ? you get them at any drug store she replies , next day her freind goes to shop an asks the pharmacist for a box condoms , obviously embarrassed he looks at her strangely

as she is well over 80 yrs old but very delicately asks her what brand she wants ? doesnt matter son she says as long as it fits a camel the pharmacist fainted

one day, the teacher walks into her classroom and

announces

to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a

question

to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't

have

to go to school the following Monday. On the first

Friday,

the teacher asks,

"How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to

say,

no one could answer..

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How

many

stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer..



Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday,

he

would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day

weekend..

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and

paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school

in a paper bag..

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says,

"Here's this week's question,"

Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong

balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are

young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the

entire class starts laughing..

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the

black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says,

"Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

Idiot 1: I don't think we'll all fit in this bed...

Idiot 2: Your right...it's really uncomfortable.

Idiot 3: Maybe one of us should sleep on the floor?

Idiot 1: Ok, i'll do it. You guys can sleep on the bed.



Idiot 1 gets off the bed and starts laying a mattress on the floor...



Idiot 2: Hey no need to sleep on the floor buddy! Get back in here, there's enough space on the bed now!

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.



She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."



Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"



Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.



The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.



She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."



The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"



Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.



By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.



She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."



The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

If people from Poland are called Poles, why

aren't people from Holland called Holes?



If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?



When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?



Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?



Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?



If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?



Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would

be if it didn't zigzag?



Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.



Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?



Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little

bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards

is Naive?



If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does

that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to

the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like

to buy some cyanide

"The pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I

can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of

bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her

husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's

different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."