Relationships? What a can of worms...20:58 Oct 08 2009
Times Read: 643
Okay (in the case of a harping, opposite sex best friend), I am curious if you have asked yourself a question. You have known this person for going on several years, and I am assuming you are not related. You hate (present boyfriend/s) with a passion. Now, you may have really good reasons. I wouldn't know unless I saw them together fairly often. (Not listened to one or the other talk, but SAW them together.) Even that is not a good guarantee. My ex was perfect in public and sucked when alone with him. My mom is a stickler for appearances, so I understood that attitude. Unfortunately for him, I am a stickler for REALITY. Appearances do not mean a damn thing to me...
What I am curious about is this: I know you really adore and respect this close friend, but do you (in any part of your mind) want to be in the (boyfriend/girlfriend)'s position of dating and living with this individual yourself? Are you perfectly happy being a close friend? Do you wish to get closer, but are too scared of fucking up a really good friendship to ask? That is what I want you to think about. The best friend usually makes the best choice as a lifelong love, but I am not saying the two of you SHOULD be together...Just that you might want to take a good look at your motivation before saying anything else on the subject.
If you wouldn't mind dating them, mention it. At least, that way (whether they consider it or not-don't change your relationship after stating it) this person will have options that will cause them to think about their relationships more clearly. If you don't, that is fine too. It means you just honestly care for a close friend. Either way, I know you love them. I just want you to clarify HOW you love them...brother, sister, friend, or possible dating potential in future if they should consider breaking up for good.
Now, (in the case of the questionable relationship that people won't accept)...I am not going to bitch at you. I have had enough of that with friends and family on my own relationships. I understand the offensive/defensive position you are in. I know it is a sensitive subject that you are sick of discussing.
I don't want an answer to my questions. That is for you and you alone. I am NOT sticking my nose into it. I don't care what you choose. I don't even want to be informed of the outcome. See? I don't know you and I don't know them and I don't know the nosy caring friend. So in that light, nothing I say is personally directed at any of you. Understood?
My questions to you are as follows: Are you dating just because you are sick of your parents? Don't do that, honey. That is a recipe for disaster. Trust me on that...(or everyone else in this coven for that matter). You CAN get a place and live on your own in time. That has nothing to do with being with another person. You can have a house mate without having a sleeping with roommate, you know. That usually doesn't work out too great either, but it is a better option than fucking someone just to have a house of your own (especially if that someone is below grade emotionally).
Are you with your current lover because you can't find anyone better? Gods, I hope not. I don't care if Snoopy is the only man on the planet; I am not going to fuck a dog just to have someone I can claim as my own. You do realize your own hand (and/or sex toys) is more than likely better sex all of the way around than having a partner, don't you? I mean, who knows how to please you better than yourself. You can feel it on both ends. No STD's (including pregnancies and lifelong children to deal with) or worrying if someone is cheating on you. No arguments about who ate the last bite of cheesecake in the fridge, or left the milk sitting out long enough to spoil. People are better off alone. You only commit to a relationship with someone else when both parties can be independent (and enjoy it), but like each other enough to take a friendship a step closer. Don't marry anything less than that...Trust me on this one.
Is your lover saying things to hurt and upset you? I don't care if this person is doing it simply because they are stressed out, scared, or joking around. That is serious. It may seem cute and funny, but years and years down the road...it won't and he/she will still think it is okay because you have never complained about it up until then. It is a major issue that comes disguised as stupid shit not worth arguing about. It is worth it. You will feel unappreciated, unloved, unnoticed, and question whether or not he/she loves you every time they open their mouth if you don't try putting a stop to it now. He/She may not mean it, may not notice they do it, but it WILL matter to you if you stay with them long enough. It will destroy your relationship; even if you don't think so now. Trust me on that one too...I know. You don't hardly notice it. You shrug it off and go on without thinking about it. It WILL matter. People are probably bitching about that now and you take offense, but trust me honey...It does matter. If he/she can stop doing it, ask them to stop now. Later, it could destroy what you have with them without you even knowing that is the cause.
It is the little things in the long run that make or break you. Self-confidence is worth gold. Don't let him/her belittle you, themselves, or your relationship. If they can't stop...Expect to eventually not have them. Plan for it...Not actually getting another boyfriend/girlfriend or house, but ask yourself these things: If we fell apart today, could I afford to leave? If things don't work out, do I have a plan (place to stay-hotel; way to go-vehicle; job/money/etc.)? Do they? Make certain you can answer these questions on a daily basis. That way, you KNOW FOR A FACT that you are with them because that is where YOU WANT TO BE and not because YOU HAVE TO BE. Trust me; it makes a difference.
Not only that, if the worst happens you are not homeless, desperate, moving in with mommy dearest, and having to deal with losing your friend/lover. A calm, self-confident, independent man/woman is EVERYONE's dream. If that is not what they want, they have not grown up yet. Don't take care of them. Don't ignore them. Be a 50/50 partnership and don't accept less. You can make it on your own. So can they. Never doubt that. Don't accept less and make certain they know you won't too. Then, you are in the structure of a working relationship. If you can live by those rules, then no one else's opinion matters in the least.
On that note, I am stepping out of this can of worms. I have my own questions to deal with. I live by my rules. I have no regrets...always. Of course, I also choose to live alone (no man meets my standards here, but I am sure they are out there somewhere). I am content to wait. It is easier, simpler, and happier to be by myself. Most people don't like themselves enough to say that out loud.
Gets a touch lonely going to the movies (but I don't mind if that is least of my problems and worries). Sort things out. I wish you luck. Don't let anyone influence your feelings. Just make the right INFORMED decision and live with your choices, be they right or wrong.
It is your life. Don't be afraid to mess up, just make certain you are not heading for a cliff at 80 mi. an hour. Doctor's are a bitch to pay. ;)
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