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i figured to go on and write about some pain that i have trouble dealing with. they ar ein my dreams wether it is day dreaming or when i sleep. i see myself die so many times. and recently i been havin good within bad dreams that confuse me. my best friend of 10 yrs have been playin a role in them. startin off as a fantasy of him holding me so close with the thoughts of a kinky times. oncei start thinkin these feelings i go on to die in my dreams. which ever way my mind lets me die . i been doing this for about two weeks now and honestly it is driving me nuts. i feel bad but i live in light. i love my dear friend so much. him and i would be together this day if i didnt meet who i am with now. i feel too close to my dearest friend. i think of him quite often. i can not tell my boyfriend of my problems due to well ya know.i personally have been more crazy and erotic during sex with my current boyfriend, with the thougth of my friend opening me up. wow i really dont know how i feel about anyone.

throughout all my childhood years and to this day i have lived a nightmare. my life in society has been fine but deep down is a dark secret. in my wonderment i wonder why do i see myself die in such horrifying ways. i've seen myself cut, raped, gutted, delimbed. and still i rememebr them. i draw them out to look back and wonder why. years go by and i still repeat most of them. i look at this as my evil and turn around and smile to whomever is close. i do not tell them but my mystery lies within. my question has never been answered and my question is why? i wonder everyday, in hopes i find my answer.....