Perfect Day16:57 Oct 15 2007
Times Read: 796
Whats the point in it all?
Do people like to think they're depressed, is it the new thing. I'm so torn about it, i know that theres something wrong, i shouldn't feel like this all the time should i?
I would love to just lie down in bed fall asleep and stay like that forever, no worries, just sleep, no life, no pain or memories, just curled up in half sleep consumed by blackness.
I like that feeling, but i hate falling into it, giving up, seeing people around me, knowing that they want something, some kind of emotion a flicker of anything from me, something they can grasp and hold onto.
I just can't, every time i try i just can't, i know i should, i know what i'm doing, holding it all back, lazing in the 'darkness'. I can't seem to let go of it and move forward.
Most of the time it doesn't bother me, i understand that this is who i am, when i enjoy it and bathe in it, very self involved of me. I should enjoy it, this is my life, this IS WHO I AM!!!!
But there are times, when i want life, because this thing that i'm in, this darkness this sombre aloneness lack of feeling, covering up emotion and responding to confrontation with humour or flirting, it isn't life, i'm just reflecting running away rom it all because i won't or possibly can't deal with it properly, i don't want the connections, i don't want to get too involved.
I think its mainly because i'm scared of losing it, if ever i ahd something important and meaningful in a relationship of any kind whether romantic or not.
But mostly, its because i know they will never understand, not me personally, but where i am, where i lie in this blackness, silent and wanting to be left alone. That i need time to get comfortable to open up, that i can't be that person to reassure them in an emotional capacity, that it takes so much time for me to open up, bit by bit, mostly covered in humour, so which just makes me not want to even try anymore...
because, whats the point in it all, why try, this is what i've become, this self defeatist emotionless blob of blackness. And i think this is how i'll stay for a while on this tightrope in this emptiness, black all around no ceiling, floor or walls, teetering along hoping not to fall or...or maybe, wanting to give in, and slip.
Just a perfect day
Drink sangria in the park
Then later, when it gets dark
We go home
Just a perfect day,
Feed animals in the zoo
Then later, a movie, too
And then home
Oh it’s such a perfect day
I’m glad I spent it with you
Oh such a perfect day
You just keep me hanging on
You just keep me hanging on
Just a perfect day
Problems all left alone
Weekenders on our own
It’s such fun
Just a perfect day
You made me forget myself
I thought I was someone else
Someone good
Oh it’s such a perfect day
I’m glad I spent it with you
Oh such a perfect day
You just keep me hanging on
You just keep me hanging on
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