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Being in the house with just the kids and no Mike makes the house seem so quiet and empty and yet again...I feel at peace with my surroundings. It is a little lonely at times granted BUT I feel so much more at ease. I dont feel like I have to force conversation or keep my mouth shut about things that are bothering me. I dont have to run things past anyone and I can do things my own way. I have never really been able to live like this. Most of my adult life has been lived with another and sharing my space for so long has conditioned me to not know what to do with my own space believe it or not.

I talked to someone on multiple occasions and they gave me cause to think about polyamory and its place in my life. They posed me with the question....can I TRULY love some one madly and deeply to the point of not being able to live without them or do I love multiple people sort of so as to keep any one person from getting to close to me and therefore hurting me as I have been so badly hurt in my past. To this I had no diffinitive reply. This really made me stop and think and I havent stopped thinking about it over the last couple weeks. I cannot say for sure that I DON'T try my best to keep people at arms length to some degree. I also cannot say for sure that I dont love multiple people completely. Sometimes I think it takes us many years or all our lives to truly figure out what being madly in love is really all about and what it feels like. This truly makes me question my relationships and what parts I have had in their failings and what I may have made these men to think or feel. I know that I cannot go back and change things but I CAN try to improve on how I relate to them and make them feel. I know that if I truly care about someone I might need to make them feel more important and wanted I guess. Its so hard to know what to think about this or where to go with it.

I got my new couch yesterday so my livingroom doesnt look quite so barren anymore lol. I paid a pretty penny for it but I totally think I deserve it and we needed something new around here anyway. My old couches were over 7 years old. I am starting to get some things put up on the walls and such and getting more and more unpacked all the time. Its really starting to feel like home here to me.

I am totally moved into my house even IF I still have a TON of stuff to unpack and put away. I am realizing how much space I really have with a full basement to use for storage. I just got my internet and cable back 2 days ago. Still waiting for them to get my phone connected. My life is still pretty hectic during the week but finally being in our home has eased the burden a little bit and at least I can say me and the kids have our own space and privacy now which is MUCH better than staying with my mother lol. It is GREAT being able to give my kids their own room which I havent been able to for the last couple years. They are loving it more than I can say lol. Mike and I talk regularly and I dont know where it leaves us but I know that we are friends and that I still love him. I dont know where to go from here with this but I am just sticking with him as a friend or otherwise to help him do the growing and maturing that he needs to do. If nothing else, we all need support when we undertake something that is scary to us. I have missed you all greatly and hope to be here a bit more from now on

It has taken sooooo long in coming but I finally got the keys to my new place and have nearly all me and the kids belongings in the new place. We have a few more things that we have to pick up from the yard at the old house and out of the basement but thats it and now the work of unpacking begins. The stress has been so great with this move that I have actually gotten sick. Working and trying to pack and move in like 2 days really took it out of me. My old landlady was actually pushing me and my kids out and moving someone in on top of me even though she had no formal move out date or anything in writing even saying I was leaving. She had no eviction notice. She had NOTHING and yet took money from other people and was trying to move them in when I hadnt even gotten all my things out yet. She makes me SO DAMN ANGRY!!! but I dont have to have anything to do with her really anymore and I thank GOD for that. I can finally just start unpacking and enjoying my new place. I feel the best is coming soon.