The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I am scheduled to go in for surgery tomorrow. I will be having a D&C to remove tissue that has remained with me since our baby I was carrying died in Sept last year. It would seem that this baby wanted to be with me more than I can ever know and has refused to leave me. Tomorrow....the dr's will make this happen and hopefully I can start fresh and healthy again. I have made it known that I want a biopsy done to see if we can determine a gender and whether the cause was gender abnormality or hormonal imbalance in my own body. I want to be able to go into the next round prepared if need be with hormone supplements AND I want to finally be able to say goodbye to my son or daughter if I am lucky enough to know which it was. Either way.....Goodbye my baby Payge and I will see you again someday!

I met my current bf/fiance for the first time when my ex Dan was moving out. I know this sounds bad but its really not...just wait...it gets better. He was friends with my ex Dan and dan's new gf. Mike and his gf were friends with Dan and his gf. So anyway...when Dan was moving out he needed help moving things and Mike was willing to come over and help. So he came upstairs with Dan and was helping him move stuff outside and thats about all I saw of him...just glimpes while he was carrying stuff and I didnt even care at the moment. SO...Dan gets all moved out and life goes back to somewhat normal. I am on dating sites and meeting people and what not. I get a message from someone on this dating site I am on and I look at the guys page and he sounds nice enough but he has no pic. He tells me in his message that I look like someone he knows etc. So we start talking on messenger and he proceeds to tell me what I look like and where I live SPECIFICALLY...as in location....landmarks....what my house looks like and I FREAK OUT! I ask him who are you and how do you know all this....and he laughs and says he helped Dan move out of my place. SOOOO I proceed to call Mike an asshole and then laugh at him. We decide to get together that night and talk and just go for a drive. We go out to this public park and fishing hole in the middle of nowhere and sit and talk under the stars and we stayed out there all night til the sun started to come up. It was magic to say the least....stars shining...coyotes in the distance calling and watching the sun rise. We hurried back to the house to get my kids up and ready for school and once they were at school....we laid down for a nap and he hasnt left since. He has become JUST as active a parent with my kids as I am. He is truly a great man and every bit responsible as me and he is almost 4 years younger than me lol. Mike and I started seeing each other May 28th, 2006 and just celebrated being together for a year this last May. In July of last year when we had been together for like 2 months we found out we were pregnant and we were totally ecstatic! There wasnt enough words to say how excited we were....it was early on but we were so happy and in love that it didnt matter to us. We started talking about it all the time and planning and buying things and putting them away for the baby. The whole time I was pregnant I didnt really FEEL pregnant and THAT was odd for me because with both my kids I felt VERY pregnant....nausea, vomiting, fatigue...etc. I was told to take it as a blessing and I guess I couldnt really argue though I had this nagging feeling in my gut. At 10.5 weeks along in my pregnancy I started bleeding and I went into the ER and they did an ultrasound to check on the baby and there was no heartbeat and the baby only measured 9 weeks. Our baby had died a week and a half before that. As I sat in the ultrasound room....seeing no heartbeat on that screen in our babies chest....my heart sank. I said...is it me or am I not seeing a heartbeat there.....the lady said no sweetie you arent...there is no heartbeat...I'm sorry.... She tied everything up with the machine and said I will leave you alone for a bit....I got up from the table and Mike stood with me and I screamed...I pounded on his chest and asked God WHY??? Why our baby??? We were so excited and so happy....this baby was wanted like the air we breath....so anticipated. I got myself together and we got my discharge orders and I went home to wait for the passage of our baby. I laid in bed for days....I didnt want to eat...I slept alot....and the pain came and went with no baby. I thought letting my body take care of it would be the best way but it wasnt working. While I was waiting my dr went on maternity leave and I was passed from one dr to another...all with different solutions. One lady told me to go back on my birth control patches and that would make me have a period and it would be over. I tried that and it didnt work. I talked to another dr and he said we would try cytotec because that will bring on contractions and make it happen on its own. I tried that and it barely did anything either though my hormone levels dropped enough that he said it was all done and I was better. So I believed him and thought "ok on the road to recovery". So over the next 6 months I believed I was fine, but I kept having abdominal pains for no apparent reason and I went back into the dr and saw my dr because she was back from maternity leave. I told her what was going on and she said we would do an ultrrasound again to see what was going on and sure enough....there was still tissue there in my uterus and I was ANGRY....I felt like I had totally been neglected in my care. So now....I await my D&C that probably should have just been done in the first place...A LONG TIME AGO....I tried avoiding it because I have had 2 c-sections already and didnt want anymore scarring but....*sigh* it would seem it was unavoidable....though now they will be using a camera as well to be more precise and careful...this has been a LONG and HARD road to travel and I just want it to be over.

So my daughters father and I move with my 2 kids to WI on my dime mind you from the back child support that was taken from his taxes and given to me. We move into a subsidized housing apt because it was easy to get into and we were able to afford it right away. Not long after we got there he got his old job back from year before when we met actually. So we finally had some decent income coming back in but my daughters father knew how to spend it better than make it so we never got very far ahead. It was at this time that he started being really controlling and trying to tell me what to wear and how to act because "mothers dont do this" or "mothers dont dress like that" etc. It started to be more than I could bear and on top of that...we were sleeping in seperate rooms because of his sleep apnea AND he wanted NOTHING to do with me sexually. I really started thinking there was something wrong with me. He told me my going to school was a waste of time. Finally, one day I had had enough and told him to move out. I couldnt handle being treated like dirt and ignored anymore. Since that time, my kids and I struggled through that change and come out better for it. My daughter and son both see him regularly even though my son isnt his. We are better friends and parents now I THINK....and I think its better for the kids. I have since run through the slew of shitty bf's trying to find the right one lol I have met my share of liars, losers and OH the "I'm not married...we are serperated" but not really sort. I have had my heart broken many a time here in WI and I have only been here since 2004. I met a guy from Detroit and we liked each other so much that I moved him from there to live with me WHERE he proceeded to mooch of me and my kids....sound familiar? I kept telling him he had to get a job...at least look for work and he wouldnt no matter what I said...SOOO I sent his ass back home to detroit on HIS dime on a grayhound lol. I have found that some of my unhealthy and unhappy relationships hang around to haunt me or I am just abusive to myself and allow them to stay in my life. I still love them I guess and I hate to completely let them go no matter what they have done to me. Its sick I KNOW! I met another guy that I liked alot on a dating site and we dated from about an hour apart for about 2 months or so and I was sick and tired of all the driving and hassle and moved him in with me in my apt. We then decided we wanted a bigger place and moved to a neighboring town about 10 miles away. It was nice to finally be out of subsidized housing and on my own 2 feet without assistance. I began to find out that he was paying more out in PO costs and child support than he was able to bring in and help pay the bills with. He was very messy and immature. I cared about him alot but I wasnt gonna pay his way or take care of him like his mother. During this time was when my polyamory became very apparent to me because I was living with him and loving him and fell back in love with an ex and decided I wanted to try being with both so long as they were both agreeable. The ex said sure thats fine and the one I was living with said the same but deep down...I found out he didnt mean it. He was hoping this was something I would outgrow. Eventually he decided to move out and get his own place which was for the best in the end. I guess I should cut this entry off since its getting pretty lengthy lol but there is more to come!