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2 entries this month
when will this end....where do I begin?05:26 Jul 05 2007
Times Read: 697
I sat and talked to Mike last night for quite a while about who I am and how I feel which is quite a daunting task actually. We talked of my disappointment in myself...my feelings of failure and wrongdoing. We talked of my feeling as if I have done a sub-par job at raising my kids, living in the adult world and being less than anyone should be able to expect as a woman. We talked of my rage and my inner turmoil....my inability to let it out and yet my lack of ability to keep it in as well. I boil over very easily and I cannot find out how to vent the rage or let it go effectively. I cried about my disorganization, my inability to think straight or remember things and my lacking the ability to let people in because I feel that EVERYONE will hurt me given enough time. He kept telling me the only one that can change that is me and that in order for people to help me I have to let them in. Sadly, my finding everyone to be hurtful has made it so hard for me to let people in FULLY. I know that I kept asking him HOW??? HOW DO I DO THAT?? and the only thing he could tell me was that I would find the answers in myself. This sort of answer just pisses me off. If someone gave me the instruction manual as to how to find inner peace....I would follow it to a TEE....I would walk over hot coals or pay any amount of money if I had to. I constantly want to be a better mother....a better friend...a better woman....but I just cant seem to figure out how or make any sense of it. EVERYDAY my chest hurts....my neck is always stiff....and until I get this issue or these ISSUES pinned down and I start figuring them out...I will NEVER get any better. I have been to therapists...I have been on the meds...too damn many as a matter of fact that I just stopped taking the shit all together. I want to tackle this....I want to man handle my inner demons and throttle them til they stir no more. I am SOOOO SICK of being sick, being tired, crying my eyes out and feeling so helpless and alone to fix it. I hate going through the motions everyday and NOT ONCE feeling genuine happiness, joy or excitement. I want to feel something real besides need, love and pain. I have often dreamt of just running away....from it all...leaving my kids with Mike since he is a great guy...and just disappearing all together. I would be a drifter and remove all the burden that I place on mike and my kids. I know that I try to be the best mother and gf I can but I know that I have a long way to improve and that maybe if I was just gone somewhere else then someone better could come into their lives.
I cannot bring myself to do it though because I love them all too much. I try to avoid them all because I dont like my anger, rage, frustration and pain spilling over onto them by coming out of me sideways. I say things I shouldnt....I take it out on them when its wrong and I blame them for things that they are in no way at fault for. I keep praying that someday I will find the answer....and sometimes I think that coming here has helped me in a lot of ways. I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and NOW...I think I am identifying and owning up to that which is MINE....all of it...the good, bad and ugly. But let me tell you one thing....I am SCARED TO DEATH!
My journey into the shadows21:09 Jul 02 2007
Times Read: 707
I have found through this journey...my life thus far....losing the baby and the consequent attempt to heal that it has made me realize who and what I am just a bit more. I think that many of you will agree that a serious occurance in our lives can bring about something that has lain dormant in our heart or soul. I have experienced just that. I have come to realize that I have always been just a little bit different....a little darker but I could never really put a finger on it growing up. I just always knew I was different and tried to exist the best I could. Through losing the baby and trying to heal afterward, I realized that there is more to life than trying to "fit in" or be "normal". Now, like a lightswitch being flipped, I have realized what I have been ignoring....what I have been avoiding. I now embrace the darkness in me because its comfortable and it is MY personal light. For some the darkness is scary, but to me its comforting.
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