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Winter has always been so hard for me because I tend to isolate myself from the cold. Living alone with my kids also makes the holidays very hard. I dont have much for family around here either. I am trying to learn to adjust to not being in a relationship and when it was something I ALWAYS had happening in my life, its a very rude awakening to be single. I am just now coming back from an especially low point a couple days ago. I had been talking to an ex again that I dated a while back. He hurt me badly with his lies and deceit and he came back to talk to me again while he is stationed in Iraq. I thought if nothing else he deserved the company so I started talking to him again. He started telling me that he loves me still and that he wants to see me. That he doesnt want to be married to his wife anymore....that I was supposed to be his wife etc. My heart wants to badly to believe what he tells me but I also have seen what he is capable in the past. I am seriously starting to doubt all the things that he has been saying the last month. I told him that he has to do a few things to prove himself and I havent seen one thing happen yet. When you get your hopes up and they come crashing down, it rips you apart inside. Thanks for listening again and sorry I have been gone so long.

I havent been on here or online at all recently. I have been spending time with Mike and working alot. I have been trying to get things in order around the house since I have still got things to get put away and put up on the walls around here. I finally have my bedroom and livingroom in a bit more order and have started doing some more work in the kids rooms. Mike and I are back together, and I am happy that we are. I have to say though that I am starting to feel a little restless again. I am trying really hard not to have those feelings since I DO love him ALOT. I have a hard time determining if it is just being bored or if it is my polyamorous side coming out. I have been thinking more and more that I wasnt poly because I DO get jealous and have a hard time dividing my attention fairly among more than one thing or person but I am starting to wonder if its just that I have to learn to more effectively manage my time and attention. It would be alot easier if there was someone that could give me the answers to my questions. I need to know if I am truly poly or just restless or bored. I am afraid of what it may be or what I might be. I know that Mike loves me but in his heart he doesnt want me to be poly because its hard for him to swallow and live with. I dont want to be away from him and he doesnt want to be away from me, but I KNOW that I need to be true to me and my feelings no matter how odd they may be. I hate being abnormal!