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First experience....

19:53:05 - May 02 2007

Times Read: 108



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well I can officially say that I have had my first experience truly being with a man that is not my bf. I talked to him (my bf Mike) on the phone and let him know where I was going and who I was with and I went with Ben....the guy with the facial hair I am in a pic with in my portfolio and we went to another bar and then his friends house for cards and I spent the night with him. To say that least it is kinda weird to get through your own mind when you have monogamy shoved down your throat all the time. Sadly, the experience was less than stellar because we were both pretty drunk and he pretty much man handled me til he got what he wanted out of it all and then fell asleep. *sigh* it wasnt as fulfilling as I had hoped....well you live and you learn

was there ever a beginning?

15:25:40 - Mar 24 2007

Times Read: 52



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I dont really remember starting to be polyamorous. As long as I can remember I thought and felt this way. Even in high school, having a bf was tough because I found myself thinking of others or still loving and caring about guys that had come before. I guess maybe I believe that it was hard wired into me. I find that I am too sensitive and my heart is too big. Even when I would like to let go and forget someone and move on I cant. I tend to be the person that loves someone even when they hurt me and dont love me back. I almost NEVER break up with someone unless its in the best interest of my safety and that of my kids. I dont just gradually fall in love....I fall HARD and it makes getting away that much more difficult. I have spent so much of my life trying to be "normal" in this way and so many others but I have failed miserably lol. I am now starting to make peace with who and what I am and find ways to live and thrive with it. I am finding that my day to day life is easier when I accept who I am rather than trying to stifle or hide it.

I am coming to the conclusion that I am not happy in the relationship I am in. I thought that being polyamorous would help with that because anything that Mike isnt could be found in another way but it is getting to where the things that are lacking are starting to swallow me alive. He doesnt talk to me about much of anything. He doesnt show ANY emotions. He doesnt care what he looks or smells like for me. I dont feel important or attractive to him anymore. I have been seriously considering moving into my own place with my kids and just getting some space. I dont know if I would end up BACK with him or not but I know I would want to continue to be friends with him but I dont know how easy that would be. I dont want to hurt him but I dont want to hurt or be bored or empty anymore. He is almost never around and when he is he is sleeping, eating or playing video games. The only inkling of love there is between us his the words. He tells me he loves me but he rarely shows it. There is no romance, passion or excitement. I just dont think I can live like this anymore.