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Insomnia is a disorder, whatever the underlying biological or psychological cause, that robs you of getting decent sleep. Sleep deprivation also significantly lowers one's ability to tolerate nonsense. To this, I am no exception.



Throw chronic nightmares into the mix, and that I'm also neurochemically hardwired to be a night owl, sleep doesn't come that easily. Even sleeping pills don't really do anything to help me stay asleep once they kick in. What should be a minimum of 4 hours of sleep turns into an hour of sleep. If I'm lucky, 1 1/2, mabye 2.



The sleep problems aren't something new, and is something that probably will not change. Much like the chronic abdominal pain issues that I've had going on for just about as long does nothing to alleviate these problems.



The moral of this story is that if you know or live with someone who has a history of these kinds of things, and you see they're sleeping, unless they've turned blue or stopped breathing, let them be. A single dose of needed sleep does not counteract the years-long sleep debt that the body has never been able to catch up with.



That's not how it works, and you can't build a time machine to go back and fix that. More importantly, don't act surprised when the constant interruptions every 20-30 minutes of:



"Are you all right?"

"Are you okay?"

"Can I get you anything?"

etc, yields the response of "I'm not trying to be rude, but could you just let me fucking sleep and not ask so many unnecessary questions that I'm either unable to answer, or really shouldn't have to. Please, just let me sleep. Goddamn."



It may seem like you're being helpful, but you're not. I like to do things on my own for the most part, but waking me up to ask me if i'm sleeping okay only compounds the issue. Deny it all you want, but it doesn't change what is. It's only going to make things worse.



I know you won't understand, but at least there's this. At least there is a reference point for you to read at a later date, once the retrospective litany of excuses for things piles up to the point they can no longer be ignored.



Sure, I may be stupid, but I'm old enough to know how this works. I suggest you do the same.

Chronic pain, nightmares, and insomnia. I could list the other problems, but it does no good anyways. Whether or not another person believes what I say on this particular matter, it doesn't make these problems magically go away, especially when they're not being properly addressed, haven't been properly addressed, and probably never will be, if personal history itself is the teacher of lessons. An elephant is an elephant, no amount of "magic" nor sleight of hand will make it disappear either.



Stop asking how things are. Stop asking if things are getting better. They're not. No amount of unrealistic positivism will change this.



Do not pray for me, but instead, pray for those who are either naive, arrogant, or stupid enough to think that mounting issues don't negatively impact one's quality of life.



Remember this, and perhaps one day, you'll understand. My only hope is that you don't have to experience the same things I have, in the same ways that I have.

Being held personally accountable for one's own actions is a quality, or feature, that few have ever truly undergone, let alone understood.



I do. Let's make that clear. I've said and done a lot of fucked up things, and because of that, I hate myself. I always have, and probably always will. There is nothing you can do to change it, so stop trying. Just stop.



If I'm in the wrong, I take full responsibility for what I've done, but I also go to great lengths to make those amends, if that's even a possibility. That's what personal accountability is, by definition.



So if you need someone to blame for what happened, go right ahead and blame me. That doesn't shift the focus of where the blame actually lies, but instead, serves as a cleverly placed self-distraction that will stare you down in the face every time. You know this as well as I do.



But understand, nearly everything has a limit. Let's just hope you can add.