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Wow, only seven more weeks untill my baby boy will be here. I am so excited to meet him. I have so much love for this unborn child already and my daughter can not wait to be a big sister. I know that his father is excited as well but I also know that he is afraid of a lot of things as well. I understand his fears and I hope he knows that we love him very much and I am going to always be there for him no matter what we may go through.

We have an odd relationship to say the least, lately I feel as though he is closing himslef off to me a little bit. We don't talk the way we used to and I think he is very confused about what he wants. I just know that I will be here for him always. There is nothing that could ever make me stop loving him.

We are bringing a child into this world together and we both will love and care for our son no matter what. We are not a traditional family by any means but really who is these days? We are none the less a family and we have so many things to look forward to.

This child and my daughter are the only reasons I have to push myself forward every day of my life, what I do I do for them and only for them, I make them and the father of my baby boy this promiss and thats that I will always put them first and that no matter what it takes I will do anything I can to make their lives better than mine and that I will give them all of me, my heart and my soul. No matter what, I will always love them and be here for them.

Well the holidays have come and gone yet again and still nothing in my life has changed for the better. I thought that things wer starting to look up but they just seem to either get worse or they sit idle and don't change at all.

I think things are never gonna change for me. I also think my new year resolution is to be be more of a bitch and not let others walk all over me. I mean I am kinda tired of being just a stepping stone for people. So many people lie and use me and lie to and use the ones in my life that are important. Well enough is enough and I am sick of it.

You critisise me for the way I am but take a look at yourself, claiming to love someone when you are not even who you say you are. Talk about being a hypocrite.

Oh well, people will learn that you don't get to fuck arround with me and those that are close to me.

All I can say is that those who do fuck up royaly better not ever show their ugly little faces arround my home town cause they won't last to long here, I will make sure of it.

So ya this is a time for change, this new year brings a more agressive and more bitchier me, so head my warning and don't fuck with me.

So ya it's the holidays yet again. Ya another year is coming to an end and a new one is to begin.

I am not very cheery this year for some reason. I think it has to do with the fact that it has been a really crappy year.

Things will hopefully get better as soon as my son is born, I am waiting ever so paiteintly for his arrival. I can't wait for him to come into my life and till I can look at his beautiful face.

This time of year is just crazy and I really don't feel like being involved in all of the crazy things that happen this time of year but I will do the family thing for my daughter and I will try to keep my spirits up but only for her sake. It is a difficult thing to do when you really don't have much to look forward to.

I hope that everyone has a better holiday season than myself and I hope everyone finds what they are looking for, at least this way someone gets to be happy.

Selfish Little Bitch



You called me a selfish little bitch today because,

When we first met,i was intimedated by you, and i was afraid to open up.

Because, i would listen when no one else would,

i put up with you complaining about nothing at all

I let you convince my only friends to hate me, so you wouldn't have to share me.

I'm a selfish bitch because

i wanted you to like me

and i saw in you what no one else could. courage, and intelligents.

I gave you a chance, to change, but you didn't

and i believed in you, when your parents didn't.

i Also convinced your best friend to accept your pathetic appoligy.



I'm a selfish bitch because i would convince you to try again in you failed,no matter how ad it felt, you always succeeded the second time.

i never looked down on you, always up to you.

i protected you,

and i tried to love you

If you were upset i would humilliate myself. just to see you smile.

I'm a bitch because i would do it all over again,

because it, you ment so much to me

I ment everything i have ever said to you and i didn't lie, not once. I was opposit of everyone else. I did everything they didn't



I proved myself to you every day. but i was never good enough.



You only said that, because i'm changing, drifting away, and the reality that i'm not gonna be here for you forever, is starting to sink in. You don't like it.



But the saddest part about all of this, is that you would be willing to do anything that you think would make me stay. Even taking everything i've ever loved away from me. You can try all you want, i can't stay, i can't handle never being good enough anymore. I'm sorry if i hurt you,and i know you didn't mean it, but those three words hurt more than anything you've ever done



And this is time, i can't forgive you..

You have no idea what you have done to me. I have been under so much stress lately that I almost lost my son. It is too early for him to come into this world, and yet you persist with to have a meaningless relationship. I am hurting inside and you can't see it, I feel like I am bleeding from my soul. You have taken the one person who means something to me and made it so that all he thinks about is you, I don't know why he does this because you are even more messed up than I am. Maybe thats it, maybe he feels sorry for you. You have so much going for you, you have a home with parents who love you and you are looked after, you have friends there and you obviously have people who want to be with you, but yet you are not happy it seems unless you are causing others some kind of pain and taking away things that are not yours. I really think that he is confused and does not know what he wants in life and this makes his decisons more difficult. He will not talk to me about you anymore because he knows what I think and feel and that it will just cause a fight to talk about you. He does not want to fight with me, he may not be in love with me right now but he does still care for me, I feel it in the way he holds me or the way he comes to me if he is having a problem. I know he will be there for myself and our son no matter what. He wants me to be honest with him and i have told him exactly how I feel about you and about him and about the idea of you two together. I will tell you right now that it is not pretty what I have told him. I am sorry but I feel like I need to be honest with you and tell you how I am feeling as well, I want to know how long you plan on stringing him along with your so called relationship before I am going to have to pick up the pieces. We are going to have a family and no we are not the traditional family but we do care for eachother and I don't want you or anybody else to ruin this. I am having a very difficult time accepting the fact that he apparently is in love with you, and no I am not jelous, I am looking out for him, I do not trust you. I have told him this and others have told him this, but it seems his head is stuck in the clouds. What I want to say to you is no I do not hate you because hate is a strong word, but if you are the cause of any more stress in my life where my child is concerned, I will not sit back and take things lightly, he was so worried as was I that our son would come too soon and that he would need a machine to breath for him, and I am sure he feels guilty about all the fighting we have been doing and he shouldnt have to feel that way. So I am telling you now that I am gonna be here to pick up the pieces as I always am and as I said if something happens to me and the baby because of this, I will not go down without a fight. You say you care about other people, well then back off and let him have a life. Let his child have a life, thats all I ask.

I have a feeling that nothing is ever gonna be ok. I have had many people tell me that they would love to have my life. I say oh really? Why would you want a life where you have no idea if you are gonna screw up your kids, or if you are gonna make it to the next day or not, or if your depression gets so bad that you just wanna quit it all? Why would you want a life where you are alone, sure you have friends but you are on that constant search for that special someone to share everything with. I say why bother still looking? I am young yes but not that young, I have had my heart broken time after time and why would I ever want to feel that much pain again. Oh well promisses made and promisses broken. I feel as though I can't trust anybody enough to be that close to me anymore. I have so much hurt and pain and anger that it all balls up inside me and I have no way to let it out. Why the hell would anyone want to live my life when I don't want to live it myself half the time. I feel like I have my daughter and my soon to be son for comfort and I don't want to sound ungratefull but its not enough, I can't depend on my kids to give me the feelings that I am missing. I love my children more than anything else in this piece of shit place we people call home, I just don't feel like I am good enough for them. I have been pushed and pushed again and I am sorry but one little prson like me can only take so much, I mean seriously do I have a kick me sign on my back or something, you know please kick me harder while I am down so that it hurts me even more. I may just be rambling right now but this is what is going through my mind, I can't stop these thoughts and I feel like if I don't put them somwhere and get them out I will snap. I hate myself right now and I don't think I am ever gonna be good enough for anybody. I try to be te best girlfriend and mother and even a wife at one point but it is never enough for anybody, nobody sees me or how much I am hurting and I don't blame them, I more than likely wouldn't see me either if I was someone else who was like this. I had someone and he is gone, he tells me he will always be here for me when I need him but our relationship has changed so much I don't know what I can and can not say to him anymore. I still love him very much and for me this love grows, but how stupid am I for beig n love with someone who is not in love with me. He did love me at one point, well at least I think he did and he said he did. Why do I keep putting myself through this again and again. I can't sleep from having so many nightmares, I am so tired all of the time because I am afraid to go to sleep and I know I have my friends but I fee like they will just laugh at me if I tell them this stuff. I really do feel alone, this is not a self pitty thing I don' want people to feel sorry for me I just want to talk to someone and have them listen and at least try to understand. How much more do I have to go through, I am alone at least hats how it feels, maybe this is the way that things are suposed to be I really don't know but I don't feel that I can ever make anyone happy let alone keep them that way. Well thats about all I can say for right now, thanks for reading I guess and well if you don't like me then fuck you, don't read my shit then. I really don't give a shit either way.

This is for my unborn son.



Little Tiny One





Precious one,

So small,

So sweet



Dancing in

on angel feet

Straight from Heaven's

brightest star



What a miracle

you are!





I have been through alot in the last couple of days. I was so stressed out and upset and an infection on top of things that I ended up in the hospital.

I am just entering my 8th month of pregnancy with my soon to be little man. Let me tell you something, I have never been as scared as I was the moment they told me I was in premature labour.

All kinds of nurses and doctors surrounding me telling me that if they can't stop the contractions that I will be taken to Toronto because the hospital I am at can not handel premature babies at this stage of a pregnancy.

I was so scared that I was about to loose my little boy and his dad was just as frihtened. We did not know what was going on all of the time and as we sat and laid there listening to our little mans heart beat, it took my breath away. I wanted to be strong for him and for his dad so I did not cry because I needed to hold it together in this almost impossible situation. All the doctors kept saying is that it was to soon and his lungs were not mature enough yet, so they put me on two nitro patches anda debutamine drip and a sedative to calm me down lower my heart rate and then all we could do was wait, wait for them to tell us if we wer gonna make it or not.

Finally arround 4am that night they said the contractions had slowed to about 14 minutes apart and that there was no dialation so it seemed the drugs wer stopping the labour. Thank the godess for her help and listening to my crys. So our baby boy is doing good now. His heart rate is sitting at 135bpm and he is very active so now I am on bedrest til he is suposed to come in February, not allowed stress or to overwork myself and I have had to have steroid injections to help hs lungs develop a bit faster s if he doe decide to come a little early he will have a better chance of making it. Also I have no been told that if it happens again so soon I will be taken straight to Toronto this time.

So now I bide my time and wait patiently for this little boy to come into the world.

I could not have made it through all of this without the babies dad Wendigosaint there to hold my hand and tell me everything was going to be ok. I ove him like no other and I always will and for this I say thank you to him, thank you for being a part of my and your childs life, you are gonna be sucha good dad and we ove you.

COMMENTS

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WendigoSaint
02:16 Dec 02 2009

I will always be there for you and our son.... even though we are not a traditional family....... I will be there for you and my son.. when ever you need me....

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