The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Inches from an answer…..or nothing?
14:24 Jul 19 2007
Times Read: 657






The sun came up again…I am here….

Laying there thinking of the choices, thinking of the outcomes, thinking of consequences, thinking of a niche where this entity fits….so small, so very, very small…meaningless perhaps…touching no one really with a lasting depth, not entirely true, a mother is forever even if not here…better memories ahead? A zenith reached years ago, an unstable orbit, decaying, decaying, decaying…. A top which spins with stability…patterns becoming vivid images moving with undulating regularity…joy…a sense of engagement…a sense of purpose….its dance complete…almost, not quite….a slight shudder….turn away ….it could not transcend this world even with the beauty of conservation….waste….



A converging point…illusion really, it appears up close like a jagged and craggy terrain, be that the case or not on a scale it can seek its way through being with effortless and grimacing efficiency…whisk and part, a biological structure transforms according to tensions…curling away, racing forward, opening a chasm….opening something new to the world….



Rhythmic since that potential first swept through it, releasing it to its own accord to seek its way, imbuing it with purpose…dynamic, pounding out against restraint…taking up a losing challenge with vigor that sees nothing else…fully blind….a chasm here would not be noticed, would not be accepted, would be ignored…alas, seen not the pathway ends…full stop, a garden wall is finally reached….no tears, no rest….the workman is led away…



A little girl sits on a window ledge looking out into the late summer garden... thinking thoughts….flashes here….connection there….a flitting bird races from branch to vine…she laughs and feels warmth bathe her every pore…innocence sits there with her, stroking brown hair back behind an ear…holding her tight….without recognition a tear forms and then retreats…it has no place here, the glaring red eyes of innocence is more than it can bear….the little girl waits and giggles with childish delight at the play….



Three inches away a nexus waits…a blind workman, a convergence, and a startled girl…but who would know more than the other? A conviction… a cowering….a courageous last stand….convergence waits positioned, a point between the bars, the little girl is not looking, “she will not know” says a voice…a realization, the players are unaware….oh voice, who are you? Why are you here in this garden of late summer making? Watery pools that still reflect warm light, still soft, still warm, still hoping……”the answer” coos the voice, the answer….the voice or wind of something growing nearer? The little girl waits, not noticing the storm not formed…innocence continues telling her she is beautiful…..

Crazy thought this early morning.....beyond meaning
14:52 Jul 18 2007
Times Read: 661

The mystery…suspense…boredom…brutality….. this life is demanding linkage in my mind……….impenetrable austerity for my intellect, and yet it feels like the combination, the meaning, is so clear at times…an analogy, a connection, a tenuous wisp of structure out from the precipice….at the first sign of revelation a fog sets in and swallows the whole……NO not again…this is not precise enough, not accurate enough….something wrong or is missing, but what….this IS the wrong direction….a feeling perhaps, an urge or a fullness in my stomach…pressing upward wanting to burst out of my throat into the sunlight screaming its answer………..a completeness that passes through points of varying density…yes, YES…maybe?...no I am sure of it, YES….that completeness resonating with the vibrations of the infinite…that completeness in connection with the infinitesimal…a unity that takes into account chaos………but what of the milky elixir of that we call time?....expression….fluid…..manifolds….NO not geometry…something LESS…what…..WHAT IS IT…..relax, flow, settle, can this be found…relationally yes, but does it transcend…..density…the sticking point…eliminate density…not the word at all….point….wrong, wrong as well…release…I can think again….no density, no point….a point obscuring the infinitesimal…eliminate and reduce….density….so basic…so stupid….what clarity I find with this thought…I am crying…I can feel this thought and what seems more….is this a new beginning for me….no not yet…I am almost there…reduction is not enough….expansion of connection…your hung up there….forget about emotion….stupid….singularity here…elsewhere…other side….pop…no that does not work at all….other side of singularity….no geometry…limiting….forget the boundary…stream…permeate…no, no….no….refection, is that it….transcendent reflection….connection….this might be it, it might make sense….perhaps

Context....
15:00 Jul 17 2007
Times Read: 664

Where do I start OR for that matter end…been up all night…thoughts fly out of the corners and scream at me…become quite….only to reappear with friends….if only they would finish me off with the lance they taunt me with.



Where is this coming from? I want some purpose…meaning, even if it is an illusion….I want to cry so it won’t hurt so bad…I can’t, I won’t let myself…. Had someone say I was “damaged goods” (not to my face, and the conveyer of the statement was trying to help me…the statement maker has a perception of me that controls his ability to see me) Damaged? Yes…likely beyond repair. Goods?...No….hurtful to be so categorized. A commodity, used and disposed of…MORE is what I demand. Abuse me, hurt me, torture me, fuck me….Realization….I have been there only so that others can take out the self imposed limitations they have….I am the ultimate punching bag, I have a lifetime warranty that obviously covers neglect, abuse, and willful damage…My god (if only)…how could I have arrived here?



Let me be guided…please…if only a snake would appear and guide me to the Amunian oracle of Siwa…these shifting sands are endless

Evil, good, wickedness, nature…chaos
14:50 Jul 16 2007
Times Read: 670

Evil, good, wickedness, nature…chaos. Within my impenetrable heart lays a venomous snake, coiled barely breathing awaiting the time she will be roused to activity…a time when she will unfold herself in the swirling storm clouds of emotion, yet all the time remaining coolly detached with crystalline icy perfection…she will wash eons of dust from her scales in seething black whirlpools of the unfathomable depths…her fangs will strike with unpredictable precision in the flashes of lighting, her voice will be heard in the shrill and screeching wind tearing down forests in its path…no refuge, no safety…pure energy lashing out…she will reveal herself only to vanish ……



Provoke me and you will be extinguished in chaos… attack on me OR attack on those I hold sacred will be the only transgression…….I fit into society, my face will not be recognized as the end…formlessness, cleverness, deception, trickery, surprise, will be the trap I lay…penetration into your secret places through cold crisp patience will be my mode…reasoned intelligence the tool….I will be as near to you as your exhaled breath, swirling about you…I will be as inaccessible as anything you can imagine….



incapacitated instantaneously by mortal wound or venom…no words, no looks, only death…evisceration…scattering of offal, coiling inside a hollowed cavity, a warm moist nest, liters of blood will be a slick, vicious, and complete coating for a vengeful demon, chewing indiscriminately on stopped organs…hours pass….warmth wanes…an explosion of activity…rending tissue to shreds…filthy, unrecognizable, waste, pattern less…chaos….. and THEN…. coolness of perfection returns and she continues in a world without you……………..

How would I...
15:32 Jul 13 2007
Times Read: 674




The depth of my morbid fascination knows no bounds these days….talked with Karen yesterday afternoon…got talking about death…asked her how she wanted to die…I mean, I said, if you HAD to kill yourself how would you do it….she of course wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me….when I finally convinced her that I was not thinking about actually killing myself, REALLY I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF.....it is an artisitc exercise, trying to explore what values I place on things and people by contemplating my ideal “grand exit”…..





It might be that I have been reading about primitive religion and practices….anyway



My concept of the ideal death….is to find a natural crypt in the desert to ensure desiccation and which would not be found in the foreseeable future. Place within the crypt: a bottle of wine, a some candles, some of my favorite ceramic artwork pieces, lots and lots of flowers….a low platform surrounded by these items…. I would then go on a shopping spree….yaaaaaaaay! and buy some beautiful gold, turquoise, and onyx jewelry…bracelets, a necklace, rings…a beautiful dark purple summer dress I recently saw….I would then bathe in a luxurious bubble bath…some lavender oil perhaps…I would then go to the crypt and dress, take a bunch of aspirin, drink some wine, seal the crypt, have a couple of oxycodone tablets, drink the wine, lay upon the platform, place an IV line in to drain my blood and then…..drift off to the next place…………………

"Honey"...
14:02 Jul 12 2007
Times Read: 679

Time is an interesting thing…a little of it and…ohhh what a difference there is! Went out to dinner and a movie with some friends last night…we went to the Marmalade Cafe in Calabasas…yummy salad!... and then across to see a movie…Harry Potter…I’ll let someone else write the review….



So I’m driving home…a little fast, I’ll admit that….and the next thing I know is I have a cop pulling me over. For those who haven’t been pulled over at night, it is kind of scary…flashing lights and a really bright spot light gets the heart going. So I pull over and wait…and I wait some more….I’m looking in the rear view to see what was happening and all of a sudden there is a rap on the passenger window and a light in my face…I still can’t get over how much it scared me… I roll down the window and the cop asks me for my license and registration….after digging through the glove compartment I find them…he then asks me why I think I got pulled over…uggghh speeding? All of a sudden he asks me if I have anything in the car he should know about…no…he tells me to wait in the car….so I wait…the next thing I know is I’ve got a cop on the driver side AND one on the passenger side…now they want me out of the car!



They take me to the back of the car and there is ANOTHER cop there….the one cop is asking me about what I’ve got in the car…well, I’ve got a bunch of stuff in the car (dry cleaning, shoes, cds, clothes, books, etc.)…he wants to know if he can look through the car…why not, nothing to hide…so I’m waiting at the back of the car with the other cop (who is freaking glaring at me) and all of a sudden I hear “what’s this?”…well it was a bag of white sage smudge sticks, and a small bag of dragon’s blood resin incense…”incense” I said….the one cop is looking in the bag and the other is telling me he never saw incense like that before…the cop watching me then says…hey it looks like we got ourselves a “WITCH”…”you got a broom in there HONEY”…”honey” I freaking got so mad and said something about primates and stupidity….this got me brought back next to one of the cop cars with the one cop telling me I’d better watch my step…watch MY step????? The two other cops paw through my stuff for what seemed like forever…even asked to look in the truck! They did find…and are you ready for this…a kitchen knife that appeared to warrant their interest for a few minutes (I told them the knife had been in there since the holidays...used it to cut up some decorative twine...some still in the truck). They then had a “meeting”, clearly about me, where the two cops keep looking over at me and snickering…and the cop watching me…(who actually seemed happier looking at my chest and ass than anything else) asked me endless questions about where I was going, coming from, where I worked….I then hear on his radio that I’m some kind of “negative”…”Rodger” he said…I am finally told to get back in the car…given a $238 ticket and told I better watch my speed…….



I feel violated....

Today
20:51 Jul 11 2007
Times Read: 680

In a weird physics funk today....saw a thread about other worlds and kind of went off into into a place I have not been for years....had a classmate in college I used to spar with about this stuff....kind of a "how do we really know we are really here" kind of theme....saved my posts below to think about:



Space….what space…defined by what? ; ) .....worlds in the infinite and the infinitesimal…parallel worlds…past, present, future worlds….OR consider this…on a clear night you turn your gaze to the sky and see a pinpoint of light, the light of an entire galaxy…photons that have journeyed hundreds of millions of years and which are now cascading through your pupils….exploding into your reality…beautiful you say…But, what of the photons…where are they now, have they made this journey only to wink out of existence…CAN THEY?...your eyes, black holes?...from which even light cannot escape? Perhaps as the physicists say we are multi-dimensional beings duped into believing the illusion that we are in an inescapable three-dimensional spatial cage….. you are really embedded in fourth dimensional space it is here with you…within you….entities from a fourth dimension…with you now? Angels, demons, ghosts, astral projection….the forth dimension? Life????? Don’t believe it?...consider



"Nothing can arise from Nothing. Asat, nothingness, is a creation of our mind; where it cannot see or conceive, where its object is something beyond its grasp, too much beyond to give even the sense of a vague intangibility, then it cries out, "Here there is nothing." Out of its own incapacity it has created the conception of a zero. But what in truth is this zero? It is an incalculable Infinite... Our sense by its incapacity has invented darkness. In truth there is nothing but Light, only it is a power of light either above or below our poor human vision's limited range." Sri Ôrobindo





In the words of Woody Allen: "There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is how far is it from midtown and how late is it open."



As modern physics suggest we are likely multi-dimensional beings duped into believing the illusion that we are in an inescapable three-dimensional cage. I believe that...angels, demons, ghosts, astral projection….all exist within, for example, boundaries examined by articles such as "Cosmological Solution in M-theory on S1/Z2"; “The Early Mirror Universe: Inflation,

Baryogenesis, Nucleosynthesis and Dark Matter”....with this thought we are lead to the conclusion… many worlds do exist…they eliminate wavefunction collapses and imply the existence of parallel universes which are connected by interference phenomena…....the open mind an explorer (dare I be so bold to say “observer”) ideally suited for its investigation… for I know the wave-particle duality is a mind-body one….the particle exists; the wave exists in its consciousness, as well as the reflection of what we consider the world…..





I am connected with my life today...I owe it to a conversation I had yesterday....I THANK YOU MY FRIEND...and I do believe in you!

Candle
15:22 Jul 10 2007
Times Read: 685

Nothingness…it must never be confused with weakness …..to step before the void is to feel the pull of the infinite, a stripping away of pretense…preconceptions are obliterated is a whirlwind of blood…The void is a vessel which cannot be filled…perhaps Shakespeare was watching the flickering of light and smoke as he penned Macbeth’s exclamation



Out, out, brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage

And then is heard no more; it is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

Introspection
19:32 Jul 09 2007
Times Read: 689

I have attempted to get in touch with my thoughts today...the result:



I am here by choice…I feel release to write my deepest and innermost working upon this page….a cacophony is shrill inside my head…my life blood was drained eons ago and is recognizable only in stains on footpaths to nowhere….



A chaotic whirlpool of emotion defines my existence…I have watched in wonder as my life has progressed over the years…I have traveled to dozens of countries, I have spoken with people from all walks of life and cultures, I have researched the scientific, literary, and historical references upon which civilization is supposed to rest….and yet I have no answers. I am an enigma to myself…opaque to introspection. I must be less than a sum of the observed parts can be the only explanation…



I feel I have been with this life forever, I have grown weary and sad with the journey…and yet each day I arise and feel as if there might just be something to wait for…what that something is, I cannot articulate, nor can I imagine…



If definition requires context then I have been: a human, a female, a mother, a student, a divorcee, a scientist, a wraith, a business owner, a writer, an estranged daughter, a warrior, a lost child, a victim, a doctor, an assassin, a fatherless little girl, a teacher, a headline, a heartless bitch, a tired middle aged women, a thin person, a failed suicide, a penitent, a criminal, a savior, a slave, an enforcer, a prostitute, a supplicant, a gambler, an angel, a heavy drinker, a moralist, a lover, a patient, a hater, a master, a destroyer of lives, a rescuer, a philosopher, an autocrat, a socialist, a fighter, an obstacle, a redeemer, a god, a demon…. a wave upon an endless sea who will ripple forever into oblivion….



Pain is my closest companion…no farther than my nearest thought, yet intangible, featureless, and unknowable…tugging on my deepest emotions yet as ephemeral as light mist on a summer day….it has forged my heart into a numb biological necessity that can instantaneously be transformed into a torrent of tears at a single word….



I desire nothing, yet cannot force myself to relinquish the most basic of potential illusory possessions…life…when finding beauty I embrace it until it expires in my steely embrace…I bleed it dry…soaking its essence into myself and dissipating its unity into meaningless eddies of decaying energy… when finding ugliness I am transfixed on it to the point it overtakes me…all illusion



Convergence is something I can never experience…I am destined to remain an unobserved wave, even to myself…never to collapse into form….yet I careen into obstacles and through passages in gratings that have no boarders…I am beyond the eigenstate.



I am…..that I cannot speculate or hold in any certainty…”I” is merely something buzzing about this consciousness at risk of extinction at the slightest of moves…outside the “I” is even less certain or stable….



Safety…security…love…illusions beyond logic; present only to distract from the rending of the soul in the furnace of the present…..despair, desolation, disintegration, decay, decay, decay………is the alpha and omega





The soul…dispersed like chafe before a demonic wind blowing without direction…chaos knows no other





I have never been, I will never be…..nothing







How do I REALLY feel….I have been beyond the reach without recourse for safe harbor…I have been held tight and had loving words cooed in my ear, and into my soul…only to be incinerated in a slowly heated chamber….I have been held as a beacon of love…only to be extinguished by cold dark waters carried men I laid myself bare to….I have been caressed…only in preparation for scarification….I have been supported…only in preparation for freefall….my heart has been buoyed up…only to be shredded by a maelstrom of glassine shards…it survives at a stop at zero Kelvin…knowing not even the passage of time

Plains of desolation....
15:50 Jul 06 2007
Times Read: 694

In the doldrums today….I still can’t sleep through a whole night and feel like I am just slowly eroding away to nothing. I am scared, angry, disappointed, hurt, lonely, and tired…. I have thought how nice it would be one of the every two women who will eventually die of heart attack or stroke…at 41 it might be nice to have some major stoke and just drop to the floor dead. What would happen if I just vanished…I mean like poof….I’m gone. Would anyone miss me? My two boys would. They were supposed to come here this weekend but their father took them on a planned but rescheduled “family trip” to Yellowstone with his lovely wife…



Writing this makes me feel like I’m doing something about it…putting it in a form other than thoughts whirling around in my head…maybe that’s really all I’m doing.



I feel like I am always fighting with everything…my life is about fighting…scary…Am I just chaos to those around me? I just want someone to take over…even if it is just for one day….I want someone to say I will take care of you don’t worry it will be OK…I want to feel wanted for myself….



The bright spot of the day…I made level 5…really it is the bright spot…it actually made me happy. I enjoy responding to posts and sometimes starting threads. Is this place real other than that? Likely, I could delete my account and no one would even notice….I must have sent 6 messages yesterday…had a couple of nice exchanges…made me feel connected…did not get responses to others….perhaps those people feel I am a black hole of negativity…. In any event, I feel like the Layla in the little story on my profile….throwing out my letters to the desert winds…it may be that no one will read this…send me a message if you do….kind of a message in a bottle floating on a endless electronic sea…..



Maybe the fact that I am still feeling is a good sign....maybe it would be worse if I have stop....



Marcella ……………………….

Song Today
16:05 Jul 05 2007
Times Read: 700

Heard it today...had some meaning



Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home; album (Under My Skin)



I couldn't tell you

why she felt that way

She felt it everyday

And I couldn't help her

I just watched her make

the same mistakes again



What's wrong, what's wrong now

Too many, too many problems

Dont know where she belongs

where she belongs.



Chorus

She wants to go home

but nobody's home

Thats where she lies

broken inside

With no place to go

no place to go

to dry her eyes

Broken inside



Open your eyes

and look outside

Find the reason why

You've been rejected

and now you can't find

what you left behind



Be strong, be strong now

Too many, too many problems

Dont know where she belongs

where she belongs.



Chorus

She wants to go home

but nobody's home

thats where she lies

broken inside

With no place to go

no place to go

to dry her eyes

Broken inside



Her feelings she hides

Her dreams she can't find

She's losing her mind

She's falling behind

She can't find her place

She's losing her faith

She's falling from grace

She's all over the place yeah



Chorus

She wants to go home

but nobody's home

Thats where she lies

broken inside

With no place to go

no place to go to

dry her eyes

Broken inside



She's lost inside lost inside

She's lost inside lost inside

Sleep...when will I actually?
14:30 Jul 05 2007
Times Read: 701

Up again early, even after hiking yesterday. Discovered the ability to get a compilation for a specific year on I-Tunes…hated 1965.



Had a great time going down south yesterday, went for a nice hike, had a great lunch…and laughed a lot.

Aimless Today?
16:41 Jul 03 2007
Times Read: 704

Not much going on today...other than actually having to get some stuff done at work....



Read a passage from a book I have...will think about it today:



What is the difference between assent and denial?

What is the difference between beautiful and ugly?

What is the difference between fearsome and afraid?



The people are merry as if at a magnificent party

Or playing in the park at springtime,

But I am tranquil and wandering,

Like a newborn before it learns to smile,

Alone, with no true home.



The people have enough and to spare,

Where I have nothing,

And my heart is foolish,

Muddled and cloudy.



The people are bright and certain,

Where I am dim and confused;

The people are clever and wise,

Where I am dull and ignorant;

Aimless as a wave drifting over the sea,

Attached to nothing.



The people are busy with purpose,

Where I am impractical and rough;

I do not share the peoples' cares

But I am fed at nature's breast.

Me
15:22 Jul 02 2007
Times Read: 708

Last week in the forum there was a question that made me think over the weekend. It was “What do you want done with you when you die”….



My real name is Marcella, I am 41, until September… I have had an interesting life, but not necessarily a very happy one. I often think of the Chinese saying “May you live in interesting times”, since it is cited to be a curse rather than a hope for a good future.



When I was four my dad died in a car wreck on the 101. I only remember the aftermath since my mother blamed me for his death…long story (I was not in the car, but he was getting something for me, according to my mother). If my mother did “really” think I was the cause...it does not matter... she was very cold to me until we parted ways, without a word, when I was 18. I miss my dad a lot…every Father’s day the commercials always make me sad. He worked in an office as office machine representative, I remember going there with him one day, I was his little girl and I love him to this day.



Had a step-father, I hated him and he hated me too. His most kind comment was that I was a “little bitch” whose mother would have been better off without me. Needless to say holidays were not of the Norman Rockwell variety. Had a loving aunt on my dad’s side. She was the only one alive from that side that I can remember. She died of cancer when I was 10. Never researched to find anyone else in family.



Got date raped my senior year in high school by someone I “trusted” and ended up with two cracked (broken?) ribs for the struggle. Never told my mother, I doubt she would have seen me as a victim anyway. That experience gave me nightmares for years, in addition I would go absolutely nuts if someone held onto me. If there is a phobia I have, it is being unable to move…I am also very claustrophobic.



Went to college from 1984 to 1990 for biology (but took lots of art classes)…thought about being a MD, wanted to do research……, studied gung-fu, and met Karen who became my best friend and Kim who I lost in 2001.



Got married to a third year law student…Tim… while I was finishing an MS in biology. Had a son (Tim II) with him in 1991 and a second (Brian) in 1993. Stayed at home, “we” thought that was better. I quit work after leaving on maternity. Lived in a nice house that Tim’s grandfather left him, had a nice car…tried to fit in to the “mommy” clique …that never happened.



Opened an art galley with Karen and another friend in 2000.



September 2001 (in the order in which they occurred): Had a very crappy birthday, found out about Renee (an associate at Tim’s firm…now wife of Tim), and lost a college friend in NY on the 11th. I was within a few short weeks reduced to feeling like a shell of a person. Depression became my friend and the only meaningful experiences I had was hugs from the boys (before I was made “off-limits” by Tim) and Karen. I learned that human touch is a commodity we cannot live without.



Got divorced in 2002, learned all about what the terms “separate” and “community” property mean and how if you are a lawyer, you will ensure that your ex-wife is entitled to nothing and made out to be “emotionally vacant”. Also learned I should have gotten a lawyer, but it was the principle of the thing…more like how to ensure I got hurt to the maximum allowed by law. Had the court or the settlement required me to be stoned to death in the public square I would have been all for it.



Moved in with Karen before the final divorce….almost killed myself January 2003. A few bad phone calls, a horrible holiday season (despite Karen et. al. best efforts), and a bottle of wine and some oxycodone that I had been prescribed for an earlier injury, left me cutting my wrist with a razor at the kitchen table while in only my underwear. I remember the very soothing feeling of the blood as I allowed it to run down to my elbow and onto my leg. I do not think I was trying to kill myself…it was a weird combination of thrill, curiosity, and a feeling like I was someone else watching myself. I may have lost too much blood, took too much oxycodine, or just mixed in the wine, but in any event when Karen came home after an unscheduled fight with her boyfriend….there I was passed out on the kitchen floor with blood on the table, the chair, the floor….everywhere. Karen, an RN, called 911 and did what she could….I don’t remember any of it at all. I only remember waking up with a catheter and various other tubes in me and feeling very, very, scared. I also remember Karen being there and holding my face while she said “Marcella what the hell where you thinking”….point was, I wasn’t. She was my only visitor other than the medical staff while I was at the hospital.



Many months later, I moved into my own place and have been there ever since. I have close, but small, group of friends. They know most of this, but not all. I am private in my thoughts.







My aspirations… to live with the spirit I found in the following poem:



The battle of life is waged upon the sands of time

Which race out ahead into fiery horizon before me

It is my lot, my destiny to bring will to bear on the future

Standing before me this shifting and veiled terrain has no limits

Only my cry and charge with sword and shield makes the difference

Buffeted by onslaught…I endure I triumph

Beneath my steps the earth holds fast as I advance

Behind me is the spirits of other great warriors

Who forward into the unknown with head up and eyes bright

I started where they stopped taking their weapons, and ideals with me



I see oasis where maps say sand and rock

I find roads where the masses say I cannot go

It is the wings of my soaring spirit that propels me

The blood from the inevitable wounds will flow free

The tears of pain wash my dust covered face

But I prevail for I know the secret

I leapt from the flock and plunged into life



The fire within my breast is fed with the fuel of challenge

My head is clear I see connection

Endless tasks await but within is a sweet nectar

My limbs strengthened by contest wield deftly my tools of war

The battle will wax and wane

But always it is my battle and my field of conquest





What do I want to happen to me when I die???? I still think my post is applicable. I want to go to a remote and very secluded protected place where I may lie for centuries undisturbed. I want to then be found and treated like a treasure, with care and respect. I want future person to caress my bones and to be filled with wonder about the life I led. I want to be marveled at and protected…..nothing more.