Anger management works06:41 Apr 19 2009
Times Read: 613
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take
it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you
don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*** in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so
rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call
her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two
digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole !' and hung up. I wrote his
number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up
and yell, 'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is Joe Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to
pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me
off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I
hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale
' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the
first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought
I'd call the BMW asshole too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is..'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd ,
in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's
parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two
assholes to call..
Then I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
He said, 'Hello.'
I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah.'
He screamed, ' Stop calling me!'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your
prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared,
asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole No. 2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, asshole .'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your
chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the
police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war
going down in Oaktree Blvd. In Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to
Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars,
an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management works
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