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I do so loath normal nights, I do so loath the surprise of evil coming home early. Now this may sound mean but it messes with my head and makes when he has to leave again harder. It makes me realize how much I miss him when he is gone. It makes me think about how much I would give just to have a normal day with him not plan everything directly in advance. I have a gypsy soul I like moving around I like a little mystery but when everything has to be planned it can be terribly annoying. I love him and that is why normal days hurt, that is why the small surprises hurt. He does it for us, for me but I would rather just have him then anything.

In my profile it does not cover whether I identify as a vampire or not, or does it directly say that I am sanguinarian. So why do I keep getting teenage boys hitting on me saying they will be the sweetest tasting donor I will ever encounter. First mistake is assuming I identify as a vampire not only that you are assuming that I am sanguinarian without first talking to me. I know that this is a vampire site but not everyone here identifies as one.



I will go ahead and clear it up here though I do identify as one, but not as a sanguinarian. I identify as a hybrid with a preference to my psychic side. I do drink blood if I am drawn to do so but I do not take the process of finding a donor lightly. I started this practice about seven years ago and I have had taken blood from two people, though I had a donor contract with another I preferred to take from them in a psychic manner.



Now for me to consider a donor I will go through a checklist with someone. First I will ask several questions being as follows:



1. Do you have any blood borne diseases

2. Do you partake in an drugs in an intravenous manner.

3. Are you under the influence of alcohol or any mind altering drug.

4. What medications have you taken in the last seven days

5. Are you an easy bleeder or suffer from hemophilia b (I've known a few that have had donors hide this from them.)

6. Have you taken any blood thinning agent in the last twenty four hours.



After I have went through this I will go over any questions they have. I will go over their preferred method though I give only two options (with few exceptions) and if I am considering you a donor we would have already went over why I offer those two options. To shorten it here though it's I am confident and trained in those two methods, and if by chance something goes wrong I am going to be able to control the situation in a better fashion and in a more professional manner because since I am trained in those methods I am also trained to handle most things that can go wrong.



No matter what though my donors safety as well as mine comes before anything else. I am not going to take on a donor I don't know just because they think I am pretty and want to fuck. A lot goes into the process and my boyfriend plays a part in that, if I ever want to take a blood donor well he will have his say in it. I don't mind questions I welcome them but don't assume you know if someone identifies as a vampire and if so what kind. Also don't assume they will be all over you because you are offering and "tastes so sweet".



Quiet honestly I don't like sweet blood I like donors with a high iron level (well high for me I do tend to struggle with anemia)

I want to go down to the crossroads tonight, I want him to tune my guitar. Tonight is one of those nights where all I want is to drown my emotion in music, the only way I know how but it has been so hard to play since I crushed my hand last year. Slowly strength is building up but I am not where I used to be, I was the type that could pick just about any guitar solo and play it on my bass. I know I may not get back to that point and to most that would seem like I did it for bragging rights or to open up more doors but I did it for me. I did it for the challenge. See I am someone who can't read music, I can't read tabs I play solely by ear. Not only that I have an almost perfect ear so I did like to challenge myself.



Seeing as how I can not play tonight to ease the storm brewing in my mind and heart I have slowly immersed myself in the blues. When I think of the blues though I always fall back to Robert Johnson and the legend of the crossroads.



I had rocky relationships with most of my family but the one thing my biological mother did was give all her children at least the appreciation of music. Now we all have our preferred tastes, my brothers being country and old school rock and motown music. My youngest sister likes calypso music. My other sister loves thug rap and country. Myself well it varies. We were all taught the history though and can go down the line of where our music originated from. We know the history and the legends of music that some seem to overlook at times but we appreciate it all.



I was the child though that everyone said was destined to be drawn to music. I was reaching for a fender before I could walk. I wasn't the child that cried over a toy being taken away or a show being turned I cried when my music was gone. I wouldn't get my own guitar until I was twelve but I could play a handful of songs before I was three. I would go from the piano to guitar to bass and I am always looking to find the next instrument to play it is my getaway.



Like I said earlier though tonight as I listen to the blues I find myself being drawn to where highway sixty-one crosses with highway forty-nine. It is silly but the legend is filling me with peace tonight.



So does anyone want to join me on my journey to the crossroads?

With Halloween being so close, I can't help but feel something just is not right this year. Halloween has always been to me what Christmas is to most other people I look forward to it all year, I start counting down the days in July. This year though I find myself dreading it with every day it gets closer the more anxious I get. It isn't that child like anxiousness that most children get as Christmas day nears but rather that anxiety that comes with deep fear. In years past by this time of year I would have already had the Halloween tree set up and all the decorations out. I would have brought out all of the cheesy campy 70's and 80's horror movies. Meals would have taken a very spooky theme. This year though most decorations have been put up, horror movies have been avoided, dark poetry and prose have all stayed in their place on the book shelf.



It just doesn't feel right this year. I don't have that yearning to go play in the falling leaves, to take those long walks at midnight in the cool autumn air. To go place flowers on the forgotten and abandoned graves right now all I want to do is just hide in my own little corner of my nightmarish mind until it is all over, until the time has passed. Maybe it is that I know that its this time of year that I open myself up more to feel that odd happiness only for it to be taken away the moment the clock strikes midnight and we find ourselves in autumn. Maybe its not the holiday I am dreading so much as that fleeting moment of happiness I know wont last more than a few hours. Spending so many months preparing for those few hours of happiness is just to draining, especially when it is so fleeting and will not be felt again for another year and then it is still only a few hours.



Happiness is very important this is true but it seems to be more draining when you feel it for maybe 12-24 hours out of the year. The rest of the year I find myself just trying to pretend and wear a good mask to hide the demons that hide underneath.

That feeling that the walls are closing in on you and you are trapped, there is no one to save you and no one to hear your cries for help. When all you need is someone to care enough to just hear you out even if it is just the ramblings from an overly emotional and momentary mentally unstable person.



Even if my rambling doesn't make sense I just wish someone would listen, someone would here what it is I am trying to say. I don't want to lose myself as the walls close in closer around me, I don't want to gasp for air as the room fills with water and I start to drown in the darkened abyss of the oddly calm water that is now filling the room.



Though all just seems like the ramblings of a mad woman, I feel as if this is happening. I know that my mind is my worse enemy but tonight it just wont stop and I can't find the peace that I am so desperate for. Instead tonight my mind is getting lost in a sea of worry and depression drowning me. As for the walls closing in on me, well that comes from the built up anxiety and depression putting a constant pressure on my chest making it painful to breath. Knowing that I am in no real harm that it is just anxiety and depression doesn't help the pain is still all to real tonight.



This pain though is one I have become accustomed to and I know that even reaching out for help does no good because I can never quite grab hold of the person in the rare case that they will try to help. So for now all I can hope for is that soon my body just gets to tired and I can find momentary peace while I sleep and dream of the things that once was the calm peaceful place that has now been taken over by the dark cold water of the abyss in my mind

Family has always been a tough concept for me to grasp in a traditional sense, as most consider your family to be the people you are born to (or if adopted raised by) but for me this has never been the case. I was always of the mindset you could choose your family, and this cause quite a rift with my biological family which I never quite understood. It was okay for my father to abandon me, it was okay for my mother to walk out on me and it was okay for my grandfather to abuse me in many different ways then give me the ultimatum of either respecting and having a relationship with the woman he had cheated on my grandmother with or not having a relationship with him. All of these things were okay but for me to say I was going to choose my family wasn't. I would end up starting from scratch with my father at the age of fourteen and now welcome him and my stepmother into my family along with all of my siblings, I have a good standing relationship with my biological mother though we can both grate on each other because we are to much a like, but it is my grandmother who raised me who I really consider to be my mom. My grandfather well now everyone wants me to reconnect with him after I burned that bridge because he is trying to do better and he is still under the impression of being family but having spent years being emotionally abused and every now and then physically abused by him was hard enough but when he threw me away for a woman he was sleeping with to me that was unforgivable.



I have always had rocky relationships with my biological family, I have always felt like a freak or an outcast because I didn't conform and they didn't understand me. How I solved that need to have a family was I built one, I would open my family to friends, I would build on my friendships and at some point would form that bound with them. Though I still hold that fear of rejection from having been rejected so many times by my biological family I still look at those bounds fondly. Though at the moment I feel like I am losing some of those people I call family I will always love them.



That is what really brought me back to vampirerave it was the relationships here that I built where I really started to feel like for once I was welcomed, I was cared for, I was safe and it was okay to be myself. Though I know some of the members I had built relationships and friendships with still remain on this site there is still there fear of rejection but I really do look at those bonds I had with them fondly because had it not been for them I would have never really learnt what it meant to have family, or to be cared for. And in the hopes that a few of them see this some day I do thank you for showing me what it is like to be accepted for who you are and to be cared for even if your ideals and your beliefs aren't always the same.

When I had surgery in July I had been told that I would have help from a family member to cover it since I can not get any insurance company to take me as a client. Now that I have had it done the said family member added stipulations that I just cant abide by so I am hoping for once the rest of my family can put aside their disdain for me and try to help me raise the money I need to pay for the surgery and the ongoing care.

As my introduction I will post a few things about me, some relevant others just very random but they still show a bit about me.



1. Though this profile is new I am not new to this site I had one a while back that before it was deleted had been up for a few years. (if anyone would like to know my previous name ask and I may share the info.)



2. I am twenty one years old



3. Though I can be very shy and standoffish at first I can be over talkative once I become comfortable.



4. I have five different body piercings and hope to get at least three more before years end.



5. I can play four different instruments at the moment and plan on learning many more.



6. Tying into number five though I can play music and write music I can not read music or tabs in any manner.



7. My favorite color is purple.



8. I consider myself to be gender fluid and pansexual.



9. I am always happy to make new friends.



10. I do not celebrate my actual birthday but rather celebrate on halloween due to a tradition my grandmother started.

Years ago when I first found this site I found a place that I could be myself and for me that was a very unique feeling. After a few years though things that people said started to get to me though and it seemed like I was losing that little happy corner I had found on a random day while looking for vampire books and I chose to left. After some time away and never having quite forgotten the people I had met here or the friends I met I considered coming back, but it wasn't until today that I would find my way back. In the same manner as all those years back I would find my way back here while looking for vampire books, and I can't help but feel like I am home again. I have come back to my little dark corner where once again I am free to be the dark little freak that I am happy to be.