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I layed down last night at 6pm for a nap, 3 hours at the most. 12 hours later...gee, I think I was tired. :P But now all I can think of is the Gilligan's Island theme song ~three hour tour~ heh.

It's really amazing what a little hot water and a glass of wine can do for a girl. I feel so much better now. We'll see what tomorrow brings, for now, I'm sleepy and for once that lonely bed doesn't look so bad.

Sometimes I get really tired of everyone trying to cheer me up. I'm going through a lot right now and I haven't had any time to process any of it. I'm grieving for a few things. I'm grieving the loss of my relationship. I'm grieving the loss of my friend. I'm grieving the loss of life as I knew it. School is taking its toll, I knew it would, not like I walked into this blindly. What I didn't expect was all the other crap that has come raining down on me the past few weeks.



A big part of me want s to become numb, I don't want to feel because I don't want to hurt. But I also realize that's only temporary and I don't like the person I become when I'm numb. I've been there, been there for years, and gods did it hurt when I came out.



I'm just tired right now. Tired of fighting. Tired of being cheery. Tired of being the go to girl. I want to melt down. I want to let go. I don't want to be the strong one. I just want to be. I want to be allowed to grieve, to cry, to lose it.



I need a moment, a moment I don't have...

But something is keeping me up. Could it possibly do with the fact that I had to bury a friend yesterday? Yeah, I know it does. I haven't slept well all week and when I do sleep I'm having crazy dreams. Not bad dreams, just....weird. And the fact that I'm remembering them is a little out there too. I normally don't remember my dreams...only the nightmares. I wish this were a nightmare, it feels like one...it feels surreal, like it can't be happening....but it is...it really is.



I guess in all honesty it comes down to facing this lonely bed. I don't want to sleep alone. I want someone to hold me, comfort me, tell me its all going to be alright. I need someone to just hang on to me and let me cry and sob. I need to let go of this sadness, this grief...but there's no one...only me...

Found out a really good friend of mine passed away yesterday. No rhyme nor reason, no warning, just gone. I guess we're all still in shock and no one really knows what to do or say. He was 40, vibrant, happy, and always ready with a smile and a beer. :)



It's not the numbers on the stone that matter, it's what you do with the dash in between. Love you B. You'll be greatly missed.