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Here's a little revelation I had about school today. I enjoy the classroom. I enjoy learning. I enjoy the moment I connect the dots and it all makes sense. I enjoy having enough information in my head to be able to reason out something I don't understand. I don't enjoy being on the floor in the hospital.



I'm ready to be done with med/surg. This is not what I want to do, I don't want to have to juggle 8 patients at one time over a 12 hour shift and not fuck anything up. I don't need that kind of pressure.



The more I work on med/surg units the more I realize I want to specialize. Give me trauma, ob, O.R., E.R., psych. Something other than sick people who the insurance company is forcing us to push out the door before we've really solved anything only to see them back in the door a month later twice as bad as when they left.



Just a bit of an epiphany that my schooling can't end at the community college level if I want more out of this career.

Discussing needing a new computer one week before school starts because this machine is beginning to clunk and grind....not good...Birra comes up with this little gem.



faeriemoon: ugh, why is it just when I think everything's going fine uncle murphy shows up?



birra: because uncle murphy is a pervy old man who likes fucking things at random...

...is about to happen and I don't know what it is. I have this sense that my entire world is about to be turned on its ear. It's not a foreboding notion, just a notion that my life is going to be different. I feel like I'm on the edge of a revelation and the last little piece is just outside of my vision. The worst part is wondering, should I be still, or move like the wind?

When did I become "that girl"? I've been pondering the mysteries of the opposite sex of late and really been coming up with more questions than answers. I had a friend tell me recently I'm a tease, a good tease, but a tease.



I'm not your typical woman in a lot of respects. I think maybe I understand how men think, or I just think like a man...then again they continue to befuddle me.



In a society where women are taught to play hard to get I break all the rules. Men notice and I enjoy watching the effect I have on them but it becomes empty after a time. I wonder what it is they're really after. What would happen if I stopped seducing them? Would I still hold their attention? Behind all the logic I'm still just a girl who wants to be loved.



I don't play the games. I can't stand the crap of being a mystery. I want someone to know me. I don't want to get to know someone and then have them freak and run screaming the other direction when they get to know the real me. This is the real me. I'm smart and silly, woman and child. I've been smacked with the harsh reality of the world but I still look with wonder at the stars in the evening sky. But maybe it's the mystery they're really after...



I suppose we're all after the same thing, love, affection, acceptance. You just have to throw in bluntness, logic, opinionated, and honesty with me. I always say it's going to take one hell of a man to put up with me, but in all honesty, it won't. I just need someone who isn't afraid to let me be me. Who's secure enough in themselves to know I can be an independent woman and still love them with everything I have.



Still, I wonder if it's time I changed my tune. Maybe the logic and honesty and bluntness scares men. Or maybe I just haven't found the one who can handle it and see the girl behind it all.

COMMENTS

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Bard
18:35 Jan 12 2008

This is the chick logic that kills us guys, just to let you know. You say one thing then not two sentences later contradict yourself. You said you having a hard time figuring out men? Try being straight forward, no clues, no game, no shadow meaning, just plain and simple raw logic. It is what we like best and what we understand when it comes to relationships.



If you want to change your mind or pour emotion on something, try in the sexual arena, not in the day to day maintenance of the relationship.



You cannot say "I just want someone to love me" then say that you want a real badboy. Most badboys just want to use your body until they get bored. You want love? Find a nerd, he will love your ass until your tits fall off, then love you some more.



None of this is meant to offend you, just want to let you know that we think about these things as well...a lot.

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KCRC
19:21 Jan 12 2008

Well, one thing I can agree with from Mr. Bard's comments...Fins a nerd!



Us nerds ROCK! Just ask Gina!



But seriously I wouldn't change a thing about you or your personallity. Some people are so desireous of being in a relationship that they will sacrifice their standards in order to be with "someone". I think it's worth the wait to find that special person who can be your soul mate.

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White shirt + black cat who hasn't seen me in 5 days = why do I own white????



:P

There is something extraordinary about watching the sun rise at 34,000ft. It’s clear and cold outside, 19 degrees to be exact. The stars were out only a half hour ago, the moon a sliver in the sky. But as the plane rose the sun also began its ascent over the horizon.



I watch in awe as the sky turns form black, to red, to orange, then yellow and at some point over the next hour it will become that crystal blue we all know so well.



The past couple of days have been busy, Christmas and New Years bring plenty of parties to attend, family to see, friends to catch up with. I may be done with school for the semester but life seems to continue on at its normal insane pace. When did my life become so complicated? When did I have to run 1000 miles from home just to stop and relax?



2007 has not been my best year. I know some have definitely had it worse and I shouldn’t complain. But really it’s not complaints, just reflection. I rang in 2007 at my cousin’s with my brother by my side, not something we get to do much anymore. It looked to be a promising year, I was finishing up my pre-requisites for the nursing program, planning to go home for a few weeks and generally get my life in order. Then Feb hit and I nearly hit rock bottom. In all my running around over the holidays I had forgotten to take any time for me. I had worked every day they would give me and on my days off I ran around like a mad woman. All of the sudden the stress came crashing in and I had to get out. It was definitely a lesson learned and a major reason I’m sitting on a plane right now.



March brought spring break and a much anticipated trip to FL to see an old friend, meet a new one and catch up with my partner in crime at work who was interning at Disney for a semester. It was a whirl wind trip but I came home feeling relaxed and able to tackle the world again. April was uneventful, the usual of stressing over tests and homework assignments while trying to work enough to make the ends meet.



The end of June brought me an opportunity to travel home with my best friends children. I was able to drive to North Carolina and pick them up and have them to myself for a few days before getting on what turned out to be the flight from hell back to AK. To make a long story short, we sat on the plane on the tarmac of JFK for 5 hrs and I’ll never fly Delta again. The trip was fabulous but rushed, not enough time to see everybody and do everything. Next time I go home its going to be for at least a month.



Back to Jersey…yay…Now I’m a beach girl, I love the ocean, the sand, the boardwalk, it’s my favorite place, but this summer I just couldn’t seem to make it TO the beach. August rolls around and just when I think I can finally have some lazy days laying out on the sand soaking up the sun a phone call comes in. There’s a seat available in the Nursing Program, would I be interested? Well hell ya I’m interested! I’ve only been working for 2 yrs to get into this program. So they send me my packet….I have 2 weeks, 2 WEEKS to get a list done that most people accomplish over 3 months. LET THE MADNESS BEGIN! Needless to say I spent the last two weeks of my summer break running around like crazy, spending money I didn’t have, and going insane to further my education.



September school starts, normal stress levels, I can do this...then on Oct 1st I get a phone call at work. No one calls me at work…ever. I remember hearing my friend’s voice on the phone, “Brian’s dead, Patrick found him this morning.” Next thing I know I’m on the floor of the office crying hysterically and handing the phone off to my boss. My cousin’s best friend, dead at 40 yrs old. He was one of the sweetest guys you ever met, and he died with no rhyme nor reason, just gone. I still miss him and I think I always will. I still expect to see him come walking out of my cousin’s garage every time I pull up. Brian, just hanging out wearing jeans his mustard yellow Carhart sweatshirt, Budweiser in hand, hair a blond curly mess. Life’s to short.



The rest of the year, can be summed up in two words…work and school. And now, here I sit in my window seat, 34,000 ft over Jersey watching the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean. The moon is still a sliver in the sky and there are a still a few stars hanging on, but it’s a new day in a new year and I plan to make the most of it...Good bye 2007.