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I had a complete and utter breakdown today. The overwhelming feeling of not having my life on track and the possibility of not attaining the goal I have set for myself just became a touch more than I could handle for the day. It's been a long time since I cried myself to sleep but, that is exactly what I did this afternoon. I suppose it was needed. I just hate giving into the moment of weakness.



I feel like there's so much pressure to accomplish everything over the next year and a half. All I need to start working towards those goals is a job. I just need to work so I can get my bills caught up and start to put money away for a move, a wedding, a house, the rest of my life.



At the same time I'm having a very hard time "swallowing" my pride and applying for the job I don't want. I don't think it's so much to ask to get a job in a hospital but, it seems I may be wrong. I just want to start working towards my career goal. That begins on a med/surg floor. That begins with me getting into a hospital. I'm scared if I continue to work in long term care I'm going to get pigeon holed there. Not to mention the fact I really don't want to do end of life care. It's not the reason I got into nursing.



I'm not use to not getting what I want. I've spent my whole life stubbornly working towards a goal and I've never been disappointed. It seems reality has a different plan at the moment and frankly, I don't like it.



Of course crying about it isn't getting me anywhere either but, I suppose it's a bit cathartic. I guess the tears are the result of pent up frustration and the realization that maybe it's time to stop chasing and take what I can get until something better comes along. The reality of it is I've got bills to pay, a lifestyle to maintain, and BIG things to save for.



I've got one more play before I give in completely. All I can hope for is it works in my favor. If not, I'll swallow my pride and just put my nose to the grindstone...it's only temporary after all....right?

Still on the job hunt as the agency thing has pretty much fallen through. I've got about 15 applications out at this point and about to drop another one at the VA today. But a lovely little cowinkeydink happened.



My Uncle Paul owns a bakery in Key West Florida and he was doing a tasting for 2 ladies yesterday. One of those ladies is a nurse from Buffalo. She gave my uncle her number to give to me and would be willing to help me in my hunt. That is AWESOME! She actually works at one of the hospitals I have an application in. So keep your fingers crossed folks. I think I may finally have my "in".