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Ok so I am at college at the min and things are going 'ok' but obviously they are not ok inside because I am fed up of my ED. Yet I cant let my ED go because it gives me focus and takes away my pain. It prevents me having to think about painful issues and memories. If I let go I will have to confront past events. And that would kill me. Also I am having the problem that I am not really finding meaning in life. I think I am suffering existential depression. I dont feel down I feel empty and the emptyiness is more prevelant when I am actually happy, When I am happy I realise this is as good as it gets, and then I think so whats the point in continuing to live? So I started on a spiritual path thinking it might help. So far it has been helping. Well I am at least aware now. Of how the world works and how everything I believed to be real until this point was just an illusion. The world is messed up and nobody gives a damn, We are being ruled by psychopathic lizards. I am trying my hardest to change my reality now that I know our very reality is what we make it through our thoughts. So I have begun trying to feel positive about myself, my ED gets in the way of this slightly. I have started trying to put out positive energy and love into the universe so it manifests and changes my situation. Anyway enough on that. I also am having problems at college mainly due to the fact I dont like talking to people. I feel like I am back at school, that awful feeling where I know I evidently dont fit in. When I just be myself and natural that doesnt seem to work. And plus my natural self doesnt want to talk unless its on a subject of my choice. But then I cant put on an act a) because its too hard and b) because that sometimes makes me appear weirder. So I think what I should do is either get the underlying depression to lift or just end it now. But its not exactly a choice I can make lightly. I have been toyying with the idea of suicide for a very long time now though. Maybe I should just pray to Lucifer and see what happens. Can he not just put an end to my life? Make it easier, I can become a demoness :) Anyway venting over. Back to college work