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Who am I? Depends on who you ask. Some see nothing more than a little

girl, or a freak of nature to be pitied or feared. Others see a woman

guided by a singular purpose, driven, loyal and lovely. Who am I? As I

stand under this hot light and look into this mirror, I see a girl and a

woman. I see a heart once broken but learning to mend. A daughter

looking up to her old man, who cannot give her the answers she needs

because she finally sees him as human. A lost soul in search of a God

and an insurmountable truth. A lover learning that the body and heart

really can be one. A youth in search of a road.

Ive since found that road, and soon, I'll know how far I've gone and

who next I'll become. We're all born the same, unfettered by

preconceived limitations. Eventually, we submit to laws. There are those

we must embrace in order to be free... The laws of iron and discipline.

Then there are those we must challenge for that very same freedom... The

laws of conformity and small-mindedness. The weight of these chains are

so subtle, we forget them. This is how we are shackled, tamed, broken.

Normalcy becomes the rule and we grow comfortable with limits. Like a

dog at the end of a leash, we move but never of our own will.

It is time to defy, time to rise up... I will test my mettle, pull hard

against these restraints. I will not let conventional thinking rule me.

As I stand here, the chain will bury deep into my flesh, the weight will

pull me down. But I will fight! I will defy gravity. If I fall, I will

get back up. Life is short and every minute that passes hurtles us

closer to the end. In the time that I have, I have bound myself to this

chosen life and it to me-these words are the contract that bind me to

this sport... Upon it, I have signed my name in blood.

I seem to only find the inspiration for these things at 4am. I suppose that is because what the the hell else is there to do at this hour? Someone recently pointed out a very painful truth about me...I am a quitter.

I know that I can be more than a convenience store cashier. I simply do not know where to start. I know that I need to start by going back to school but that is a terrifying thought. Although I was reletively intelligent in school, alot of years (and pot) have passed since then and I am afraid that I will find out in a hurry how UN intelligent I really am. Not unlike all women, my self esteem can't afford to go back to "getting made fun of", and to be honest, I am terrified of being "seen". I didn't used to be that way. I used to be able to command a room and was comfortable doing so but now I seem to freeze up. The fear is tangible...almost tasteable now. How do I get past that? How do I find the courage to be the token old chick in class? How do I get around needing kids ten years younger than me to tutor me? How do I put my meager writing skills to the scrutiny of PROFESSORS? I do WANT to go back to school...there is no question of that but the fear is paralyzing and I don't know how to overcome it. I am not afraid of hard work. I have had to work very hard all my life for even the simplest things but the idea of going back to school is my "white whale". All I can hope for is that someday...I will catch that whale and overcome that fear...until then...I will be me and hope for the best.

COMMENTS

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martin
17:30 Sep 07 2009

If a person works hard and tries their honest best it's pretty hard to make fun of them. Push on with your quest for the white whale.

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