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Im numb

I cant feel anything

I dont even know

if my blood is still flowing

flowing through my veins

I want to feel

I have to feel

to see if im still living

or if I am dead

I picked the razor apart

I tore my fingers up all to hell

I took the balde across my arm

Im still waiting for the pain

Im lying here

staring at the ceiling

thinking of you

I feel as if Im fading

out of your life

I wrote you this note

to tell you I love you

but love no longer exists

They well up in my eyes

its only time

before I let them fall

again I let you get the best of me

but never again

Ive falled over and over again

and I dont want to drag you down

I just want you to be happy

and I dont what to hurt

I dont want to cry

I dont want to live

I want to die

just leave me alone

so my tears can fall

Ill cut my worries away

as my tears will fall

Happiness is the razor on the sink

Happiness is the trail of blood

happiness is the pain in my soul

Happiness is the blood on my arms

laughter escapes my lips

this is true ectasy

nothing is better

than having blood flow

finally being able to feel

something other than regret.

You told me that you loved me

then why did you leave me

alone here

without you I feel cold

I have no purpose in life

if I dont have you by my side

I see you in my dreams

your face is haunting me

I cant let you go

I cant live without you

you are the only person

that I have ever loved

and the only person

that I believed

truly loved me

was it all a lie?

did you use me?

4 months have gone down the drain

wasting my love on you

Ill never be able to love again

Why?

My love has always been for you

We were one

we loved each other

so much

that it hurt

we would hold each other

and cry

because everything

was so perfect

that was April

This is September

and you are gone

and Im left here

feeling nothing but cold

and Im numb

from your caressing touch

and butterfly soft kisses

all thats left

is my crimson kisses

from a sharp razors touch

keeping a small part of you with me

never gonna love anyone

not even myself

Im slipping away

and no one is going to catch me

because they dont care

I had only one friend

and that was you

and now Im dieing

with no one by my side

your haunting my every move

I want to forget you

and move on

and love him

the one who loves me

but the only way to get rid of you

is to get rid of me...

Why do you lie?

Why do you hide

your deepest emotions from me

I want to help you

I want to hold you

and kiss away the pain

but you run away

hurting me more

it kills me to see you

in so much pain

and you wont let me

touch you

feel you

and take it all away

I love you

why cant you see

that we could still be?

I care about you

and I want to be with you

every moment of the day

to fight of your enemies

why cant you see

that I would do anything

to make you happy.

I wrote this for someone special to me, and it seems as if I wrote it so long ago.

But it hasnt been that long.

reading it now

I think I could have written it better.







Love has let me down

and betrayed me

I was not sure if I should trust it again or not because I have been hurt more times

than I would like to admit too.

If you really love me

let us,

walk hand in hand down this road of possiblity of what love could mean to us,

through you I will be able love again

in my life the way I use too,

I do have feeling for you they

are just hidden for now

waiting for the right time for them to come out.

I was so afraid to admit to myself that I could love someone again in my life,

I'm still hurting from my past mistake.

I need a little more time for my love for you to grow strong

so I could tell you that I love you too,

you make me feel so special to you and make me feel so needed too,

that time has come for me to love again

I will love you with all my heart.

When a heart is broken you cannot put a band aid on

For with each heart break the heart becomes less strong

The heart eventually has to trust once more

Without others kicking your feelings to the floor

For a heart is a fragile thing when you give it to someone

There never is any guarantee that to them you are the only one

Sometimes it is a painful feeling when things suddenly end

Especially when it is your best friend



Good bye

You and her I know

are weaving a web of lies

the more you say the more I die.



The more you say, the worse it gets

what you said to me I will never forget.



I know just you are weaving a web of lies in

Eventually I will just give up, and let you win.

Each night I wake as sweat pours from my skin,

I feel trapped in the darkness and what I feel within.

I want to run and hide yet there is no place I can see,

As I reach out in the darkness nothing is there for me.

I lay there in the sweat of my body gasping for air,

Yet in this darkness there is nothing there.

Suffocating like a mask over my face I can feel,

Hands grabbing me yet nothing is really real.

Screaming in the night as tears roll down my face,

Where am I to go, when there is nothing to find,

Am I lost in this emptiness and losing my mind?

No one can help me escape this hell I am in,

When it happens each night as my dreams begin.

Feeling as chains are binding me from moving away,

Taking away all my will to even try to pray.

Screaming in the night, crying for a way out,

How can I find it when I don?t know what it?s about.

Is it my past haunting me in the dark of the night,

Or is it the future that is coming to light?

I need some help and yet none can be found,

Within screams in the night I am hopelessly bound.

Every time you look at me

My world would come back together

I loved you moer than anyone else



Every time you touched me

I couldn'd figure out what just happed

It felt like eturnity in a bottle



Everytime you talked to me

I thought an angel wipered into my ears

I never wanted you to stop



But now I see

After how you treated me

The sun doesnt rise in your favor



I only love no one now

And Your tender touch

Isn't so tender anymore, but filled with pian and torcher



Now I know that you never loved me

But you used me as the rest

and now try to forget how your sweet touch went

I really do like it when you put your head on my shoulder

And love it when you touch me

When we are together an unbreakable feeling comes to me



I really did want to go to the party with you

And stay on the bus a little longer

As I wished everyone would disappear for that one moment



I love it when you look at me

With those eyes holding much truth onto what you think

Yet they still seem so itimidating



I wish people would not look at us and judge

And I wish you would tell me what you told him

When you said she is the one I was telling you about



I wish that the Krips and they Bloods would just disapear

They belong in a much more cruel world

One you don't seem to fit in



But what I really do love is how you stood up for me when your friends kept giving us crap

You said so many things that touched me deep

And how you even kept his hands off of me



All of this and you are still unretchable no matter how far I streatch

If I change a little or even a lot

You are off limits no matter how hard I try

Remember when you first sat by me?

You couldn't keep from looking at me no matter how hard you tryed

We spent a summer loving each other

Just to come back and fall out of it



we were a bright star in the sky

A love that shows amung the darkness of our life

The black sky

A rememberence of everything we have gone through



Now everything comes back to haunt us

We end up just as we started

Fighting in a war we created

Our own World War Three



As we were back then

Shows faintly in the sky

Just to show that love really does exist

Even though all the brightest stars in lifes sky must fade at some time

Love to me is...

When you hear their voice it is as beautiful as one of Beethoven's symphanies

For their touch to make you remember what love is really like

To look into their eyes and see not who you are but who you want to be

To beable to tell them anything without the worry of criticism



Love is...

To give ones life just to see them smile

To change your life your mind or anything else to make them stay just a minute longer

It is when you wait an hour to see them walk by

It is when you look at them just to see them for that minute, that secaund



Love is....

Much more than just saying the words

You say it with the soul not the tongue

You are felt not heard when you say it

It is longer lasting than lust will ever last



Love is...

What I think of you and much more

What I wish was true for you to

I would wait an eturnity just to hear those words from you

And said by the soul not the mouth

We walk these halls every day

Hand in hand side by side by side

We said we loved each other knowing it was a lie

Acted like every other couple even though we weren't

For we had something they didn't... love



We walk these halls everyday

Fist on fist words attacking words

Hatred's might crushing us all together

And we blankly stare into each other's eyes

With false hopes and new dreams with other people



As the first night comes

We are walking these halls

As we dance to the soft rock music

And learn to love again

Knowing it could work this time



Now as we walk this same floor and look at the same walls

The place we made our vows of forever together

Telling each other to just leave us in peace

To fight the same battles as before

In false hopes we still try



Every one sees us

And the love that is there

And all they see is a struggling couple that will never make it

And we still say we love each other and take another first kiss

Walking among the faithless crowd we say it again

'I love you'

these thoughts of you wont go away

i see you in my dreams

i see you in my fallen tears

i see you walking down the street

with her

what did i do

that was so wrong

that you pushed me away

and gave up

on us

now im sitting in this room

cold concrete walls surround me

the only way i can stay within

the door is shut

lock and key

i stay deep inside myself

crying these unshed tears

blood drips

from wounds unknown

too many to count

and still i try

to feel something other than regret

for giving myself to you

and not thinking of myself

and now your gone

because i didnt want to

be with the man you showed me

when your wee mad

but the man that i fell in love with

when you loved me

but now these thoughts of you

are tearing me up within

and ripping me to shreads

these thoughts of heaven

or hell

bring thoughts of a deathbed

the mirror has become my worst enemy

my reflection stares back at me

the fat no good pig

with sad eyes

huge hips

and hams for thighs

the things people say to me

hurt me on the inside and out

no friends and no one to care

only one has stayed

only to tell me how much she hates me

that im fat and ugly

and i deserve everything

she forces me to the floor

when i rebel and eat

i puke until there is nothing but blood

i sit and waste away

with her voice in my head

she running my life

telling my lies

and refusing my meals

im fat and useless

thats what she says

shes even carved it on my arm

shes saving my life

yet im wasting away

what am i doing this for

why do i want to lose this weight

just to waste away

i hate you

i dont want you around

get out, away from me

i hate you fucking guts

you did this on purpose

you ripped out my heart

and stomped it to pieces

you sent poison

through my veins

and up through my brain

i cant take all this pain

all these tears

have gotten me nowhere

i see your face in my dreams

and i wake up screaming

and writhing in pain

im losing my mind

slowly steadily

and i have no more feeling

you've killed the only part of me

that ive got left

the only thing that keeps my

suicidal thoughts

in my dreams

and out of my reality

but it doesnt matter anymore

you never cared

you lied and cheated

and made me feel worthless

like i was nothing

and now i feel nothing

you made me hurt

and you ruined my life

and i want you to hurt

100 times worse if you have to

to jump off a building

on stakes sharper than my blades

to burn in the hottest underbelly of hell

to put a pistol to your head

and pull the trigger

would make all my dreams come true

and maybe it could make me feel something

not

im stuck like this and ill never be ok

I can hear them

quietly they whisper

my name

driving me insane

the get thier fix

by making me hurt

i cant see them

thier killing me slowly

they remind me of my pain

of my lonliness

of you

tearing me up

making me scream

out your name

they laugh

i can never have you

im a worthless

no good whore they yell

im better off dead

these dirty little demons

told me to kill myself

so i did

i wanted to hate you

i wanted you to hurt

i wanted you to scream out in pain

i wanted you to die

i wanted you to disappear

from my mind

i never wanted

to fall in love with you

and now i want you

i see it lying on the floor

the cold, sharp metal

calling to me

awaiting the time

when i will pick it up

and use it yet again

to slice into my skin

and watch it bleed

watch the blood run

and my tears fall

only when you act

the way you do

only when i care

for you the way i do

is the time when im hurt

enough to pick it up

cause instead of

letting my tears fall

i let my blood run instead