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where to begin my friends, where to begin? i think i have come to terms with some things and ideas about myself. but while being ok with myself is better, i still find it too hard to confide in others about these things. for example, one thing i recently became a little more open about is that i love to be bitten. while a lot of people laugh and make jokes about being a vampire (im not) it doesnt seem to bother them, so im more open about it if/when such a topic comes up. but there are other things that often come up in conversation that while i know are normal, people seem to frown on or look down on. i dont feel so cnfident then. i feel as though i am guilty of something repulsive. perhaps i am. but when people share with me, (as most people often do), their secrets and desires in confidence, i feel like a lesser person having been disingenuous about my own secrets. for they trust me so, and they wont ever know that i didnt trust them. i think that the root of the issue is, that i dont trust people. to some degree or another, i can not confide in people beyond a specific point. i wonder my friends, do you do the same thing? do you tell some of yourself to people, but not the rest? are there perhaps parts of everyone that they are so ashamed of that they can not bear to bring into the light, despite knowing just how common a thing such things are? even knowing that nobody would probably spare a second glance after knowing? i wonder if i am just the same as i was years ago, a paranoid man, not willing to trust in anyone completely, and not willing to let them even know that i dont trust them. information is the most valuable thing in the world. if somebody knows you dont trust them, they have the upper hand, not you. keep your friends close, and enemies closer they say right? well i do just that. and i feel awful and evil for having done so. until next time my friends. may the night time shield you from harm, and let the moon light kiss your back

COMMENTS

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ZombiexCupcake
06:09 Sep 06 2017

You're probably right in not trusting most people since most of them will use your trust against you. But there are a very few people you will meet in life who you can put your guard down for... I'm curious now what your guilty, dirty, repulsive secret is though. The best way to keep secrets from biting you is to be open, and have none.

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decondemon
05:38 Sep 08 2017

thats true. its more of a guilt thing i suppose. as for the secret, its probably just me not being completely comfortable speaking about it. i have a hard time with being looked down on sometimes. not that many people even do, but still

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Minde
15:11 Oct 22 2017

I don't trust some people has well

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it has been a long while since i returned here to write my heart and soul away in a journal here. alot has happened. since i last wrote much has happened. some good, some bad. just as life seems to do. when i wrote last i was struggling to stay sane. having left a long and emotionally draining relationship, i spend almost a year learning to do things on my own again. at first it was very freeing. i missed the freedom that came with being single. but after months went by and my cursed gift became more apparent, i realized that i couldnt be happy then either. and then as you may have read, i tried to take my life. i failed, and from the ashes of the old life i had been struggling to cling to, i began to rebuild myself. i went out of my way to do things i was uncomfortable with, knowing that i had to gain confidence i never had. to build the self esteem that i lacked, and to a degree still lack. after a few months, i found an angel in the form of a woman. i had an app i was convinced to try out to entertain myself in my spare time. a karaoke app that would allow me to spread my voice to others outside my immediate area. i didnt want to at first but i gave in and gave it a shot. after a while i grew to like it, and then i was joined by the lovliest voice i have ever heard. i didnt see the singer at first, i was only listening, un aware that there was a video as well. she joined me, song after song, and when we sang together on a love song from phantom of the Opera, i knew i loved her. thats when i saw her. the angel i spoke of was a woman my age from Arizona. a beautiful Asian girl. we clicked instantly, and began talking in the comments, then facebook, then snapchat and then we were texting. i have never been supportive of distance relationships, but the more we talked over a few weeks the more i felt open to the idea, but i would never have had the courage to ask such a thing. but SHE did. she told me that she really liked me. and all i could think to reply was "i am yours" i spent a few thousand on a new car, then drove 19 hours to arizona for a week, in june, just to meet this angel face to face. thats the only way we figured a relationship would really work 100% we would have to meet at some point right? and from the moment we met we couldnt take our eyes off each other. at the end of the week filled with tourist spots and excitement, i had to return to montana. i gave her my word that i would see her again. and i did. this time, only days ago as i sit and type this entry, i had HER here for a week. sleeping next to me every night in my coffin. she has decided to move here. when? neither of us know. after the new year for sure though. but why explain all of this? because this Angel of mine has helped me in many ways. you see im still not a happy person. but she is helping me to learn. a long distance relationship isnt what i expected it to be. in a good way. i find that she gives me that confidence boost when we speak. and it stays with me in my life here in montana. i dont need her to be here next to me to be happy. for one such as me, i am happy enough knowing that 1500 miles away, the most beautiful woman alive has my name on her heart and lips. i can live my life as i have, not relying on a relationship to be happy, instead, drawing confidence from the things the person in this relationship says to me. but i have spoken enough i think for one entry. i leave you with a more positive entry for once, probably a welcome sight. until next time my friends.