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i wish i had the words to say what is in my heart. to speak what i know i feel, but can not express in audible dialogue, save for the guttural cry of anguish emanating from my very soul. why must i feel this way? who knows. is it my fault? is it your fault? is it Gods fault perhaps? perhaps it isnt anyone's fault. after all, the fault becomes irrelevant in the scope of things. dictating blame doesnt undo the problem does it? you know i feel i am getting to be far too old to be so melancholy. to feel so alone in the world, meanwhile being surrounded by what you would call friends and acquaintances. the truth is, my time is just simply running out. how much time have i left? i couldnt tell you. but it gets harder and harder to ignore. the men in my family, and hell even some of the women, havent lived past their mid 40s. that doesnt give me very long. you know they say that it is better to burn out, then it is to fade away. but which will it be for me? how will i go? the harder part of it must honestly be the time of year. 2 weeks ago, my Uncle passed away inexplicably. he was the favorite uncle, and of the brothers, he was the one they all looked to. the "golden child" if you will. but here it is and in just a few short days, i will reach the 1 year anniversary of my Biological father's death. what with that, and my uncle i am close to being in prison for another 5 years, i have begun to see how alone the world is again. perhaps i had forgotten over time, or maybe i just put it from my mind on purpose. in either case, i remember now. but this time, nobody is coming to save me. there is no bigger person to say "dont worry bud, leave it to me" because that is my role now. and i dont know how i feel about that. i dont know if i am ready to be the older generation. its such an awful feeling to realize you are no longer the next generation, that you have become the outdated, the obsolete, and the old goods of the world. talked to a dear friend of mine, and she pretty much thinks im nuts. maybe i am? but in my defense, who really sounds sane when they reveal everything in their head? when they talk about their most intimate of thoughts? how does one NOT sound crazy? this traces back again to my fear of rejection, which has gotten better, but not perfect. in all honesty, it will probably be weeks before i work up the courage to text my friend. why? because i hate being the idiot. and i hate it when people are upset with me. i dont like feeling inferior. and in all honesty i do. quite often, though there usually isnt any substance to such feelings, this particular person definately out shines me. pretty, intelligent, witty, and unafraid of herself. why do i lack such things? i look in the mirror and see what others see. sure, im handsome. but i hate the person in the mirror. and i dont have a valid reason. i wish i could say "THIS is what my problem is!" and know what the answer was. there are really no answers to any of my problems, and i know that. maybe its all just a manifestation of my grief. but that still isn the root of the issue, just a symptom really.

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IvysxHaven
22:47 May 19 2020

Sorry about your uncle, mine are all gone, last past this year. I am the Elder within my family and come to me for the knowledge advice now hun. I know your words because I have felt myself many times.

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"do not go gentle into that goodnight" or something like that. did i get that right? yeah sure. easy for all of you to say. in all honesty, its something on my mind every day. the unbearable inevitability of death, the ticking of the clock, the metaphorical draining of the hourglass sands, call it what you will, it all seems so overwhelming. makes you really just kind of want to get it over with. but not at the very same time.after all why should i have to die? freddie mercury asked "who wants to live forever?'
i do. i dont want to die. but to be honest i feel like getting it over with is easier some days then waiting for the impending doom that irrevocably renders us all a forgotten piece of yard with a fancy rock. i dont know why i am this way. nothing will ever take away the dull ache in my soul. want to hear one of my pet peeves? when people speak to me of my past, and say "im glad you overcame that, im glad your happy now" what a fucking joke. im never happy. i can laugh like you. i can smile and make you believe it, and sure for a brief while, i can feel content. im not a monster. im not miserable all the time. but slowly, little by little, day by day, no matter what ii have, i start to feel it again, the absence of the joy of life seep into my bones again.and the worst part is, i cant really tell anybody. who is to tell? who is to care? and if they do what the hell do they know aboutit that they could help anyway? "lets dope the pain away cody" lets take medication after medication and pretend none of it ever fucking happened. lets sit here day by day drooling in my hand fucked up on pills, the name of which, nobody can even pronounce let alone stand to swallow, and exist as a shadow of a being. in a half real feeling state where rather then making my own decisions consciously, i feel as though im a stranger in my own life and i am standing beside myself watching ti all happen. yeah no fucking thank you. what are your thoughts? am i morbid? depressed? just stressed? in any case, it doesnt fucking matter. because adding a label to something doesnt suddenly make everything better. "oh now i feel better because theres an explanation for why my entire life has been one fucked up comedic joke of a tragedy after another. and you know what the sickest part of all of it is? i look back and all i can think is, wow, i missed out on X Y and Z, but i cant seem to keep my fucking head forward. because looking forward means accepting that its over and done with. but i dont want it to be. i dont want my abusers to never understand what they did. i dont want nobody to face justice, i dont want to get older, i dont want to be an orphan, i dont want to be a failure. i dont want to be worthless.and thats really all i am. strip away my voice and my guitar and what am i? a morbid minded, melancholy, sad excuse for a bag of flesh. im no good at anything. im never satisfied with anything. or anyone. and i wish i could change it but i cant. i am who i am. "nobody really changes over time, we only become more fully what we are" a quote from one of my favorite books, but truer then i want it to be. i look at many of you, and i see creatures of beauty that i will never posses. i see and hear talents i will never posses. but i WANT to. and the reality that i cant infuriates me. if only i had more TIME then maybe i could? but what do i have left? maybe 10-15 years at most? fuck one year i can handle. i can figure a way to piss that away well enough im sure. but 10? 15? what do i do? keep doing as i am now? playing rockstar in my band room? hanging out with rockstars who have more worth and talent then i ever will who i will never measure up to or be acknowledged by? i dont know if i can. this is just accentuated more fully by those around me. people younger then i am, doing the things i did while i have no choice but to grow older. time moves on, and it doesnt care that im going with it against my will. isnt it weird? you get congratulated on "turning X years old" but did anyone ever stop to think that maybe some of us didnt even want to ? maybe i wanted to be 18 forever. thats fine and all but fuck 27? im the same age now as some of my idols i grew up listening to who "died young" but FUCK it sure doesnt feel young in the scheme of things does it? i dont even know how to express myself anymore. or to whom. maybe thats why im back here. again, sitting in from of a computer at 3:15 in the morning, typing to a computer screen that doesnt fucking care , and listing my problems on a dying website for a few people to oogle at and then go "damn this guy has issues, i hope he gets help" before they move along, click off and find someone sexy to creep on before they switch on over to their favorite porn site and get off and forget that i even existed in the span of maybe 45 seconds to 4 minutes. i hate this place. i hate this life, and i hate that i cant control any of it. i have no say. im a puppet who has grown to dispise his strings, only to find that the scissors i use to cut them are on a string as well, being controlled by the puppeteer himself as well.

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IvysxHaven
11:05 May 16 2020

Welcome back. that's all I'm going to say, hun.

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