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I am a dragon.

Breathe out warmth, smoke curling from my nostrils...

Icy cold but not exactly.



I'm laying on my back.

These stars, they're so different than what I've become accustomed to.

I breathe in cold air and blow out warmth, feeling all but what I want to leave, rush out of me.



I have my purple box.

It sleeps in the back of my desk drawer, taunting me.

I want it, I don't want it, I hate it and love it.



There's a past within me itching to explode back into reality.

There's a monster lurking beneath my heavy eyelids.



I want to get fucked up.

I want to hurt until there is no more pain. Until it all goes numb and everything looks hazy and monotone all over again.

I want to burn and bleed and bruise and scar

Tremble and roll my eyes back in my head in delight.



I will not give in.



Orange Goop seeping through my fingertips and arms...

Don't let go. Please stay with me peace, stay for a little while longer...

Don't let the feelings eat you alive.

Fear, sorrow, hatred, anger, loss, pain...



I am alive. I am here. I made it.

What the fuck do I do now?



I don't wanna search for a reason to live anymore.

I don't wanna drown myself in this self-hatred and self-pity and self... selfishness anymore.

I don't wanna feel so alone anymore.



It's all me.

I know it is. I know who does this to me and I know who could prevent it if only the strength were enough.



Am I not making sense again?

Am I losing it all again?



I will not give in.



What a nice day... I won't go throwing it all away.



Where are the words that were inside of me?

The words that I kept repeating over and over again, the words I wanted to share with the world?

Will I ever run out of words to feed?



I am here. I am real. I know I am.

I won't let me kill the feelings I have right now.



I think I'm beginning to see that it is alright for me to live without wondering why I am living.

I think I'm beginning to push myself away, the part of me that hates and suffers and hurts.

I think that that part of me is pushing back...



And I will not give in.

What if there was no darkness or light?

What if I never could get it right?

No rush, no pain, no speed, no numbness…

What if you decide that you don‘t want me by your side?



What if I got it all wrong

And couldn’t make you stay where I feel you belong?

No questions, no answers, no freedoms, no bonds…

What if you decide that you don’t want me in your life?



What if there was nowhere under this sky

Where we could join hands and run away, fly?

No floating, no diving, no loneliness, no crowds…

What if I wanted just you by my side?



What if I wanted a chance to feel

Whether together we were fake or real?

No love, no hate, no boldness, no fear…

What if I wanted just you in my life?