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Sometimes I don't know if I'm alive or not.

I'll breathe in and breathe out… stare, glare into space. Hold my breath until I turn purple.

Am I real? When you walk by me do you see me? Do you pretend I’m not here because I don’t deserve to be here?

I want to feel again. I don’t want to feel anything.

I want to die. But I don’t want to lose.

I want my fucking purple box. I want my drugs. I want booze and weed and pills.

I want to take a long, long drag from a menthol.

I’m dead, I’m dying, I’m already gone. I’m just waiting for the coroners to arrive.

My heart shivers from its own iciness. And I’m sick of it. I want to burn. I want to feel.



I can’t even cry anymore.



What if I drop out? What if I lose sight? What if I disappear and fly away and don’t tell anyone where I am?



Would I be worth finding? Would I be worth following or fighting for?



There’s a heart that's faded away from me, and I’m glad.

He's free. He's free. He's gone and he's free.

I feel my own heart crippling itself all over again.



Go away. Don’t come near me. Don’t suffer, don’t love, don’t hate, don’t hurt, don’t die. Just turn around and walk away.



I’m already turned away. Now I’m just trying to lift my feet and keep going.



But I think that shit's going down. And I'm dead all over again.



I know, I know... I'll be okay. I just can't see it right now.

"I’m on the outside... I’m looking in.

I can see through you, see your true colors.

Cause inside you’re ugly, you’re ugly like me.

I can see through you, see to the real you..."



There are people that walk around me every day.

They might as well be walking through me.



Am I so very unpretty that I don't deserve even a hint of acknowledgment to the fact that I exist?

Do I deserve to be walked across?

Is this middle school and early high school all over again?

Am I supposed to frighten everyone away?



I wanna look into someone's eyes and know that they see me, and not just another empty seat.

I wanna talk to someone who doesn't make me feel like I deserve to be alone.

I wanna walk with someone who isn't afraid to be near me or walk near me.



I stare at you and you stare right on through.

Just stop.

Look at me.

I know you feel me here. I know you've heard me talking.

Don't make me turn back into the trembling, lonely child, broken and sad and shy and alone.



I see so many people that are so beautiful.

It makes me feel how hideous I must look.

It makes me feel even more out of place than I used to feel.



And the bad part? I can't tell myself that they are just ugly on the inside.

Because most of them are not.



Sorry. Just feeling really, really ugly right now.



Later.