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Have you ever felt like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? and your whole life is just crumbling all around you and all you can do is sit there and watch? Thats how i feel most of the time lately. Dont ge tme wrong i love all my friends and my momma (queenofchaos) but i dont no how to fix my mistakes anymore. the walls around me are falling down faster then i can put them up! and i guess im just fed up with it all. the sad thing is i just found my soulmate while im in the middle of trying to work out all of my problems.. and i dont want to drag him down with me or upset him in anyway.. i try my hardest to be a good friend niece and daughter.. but its all taking its toll on me. and half the time i cant even be myself.. i dont no who i am anymore. ive had so many people lie to me and alot of guys hurt me that im just not with it right now... if it wasnt for mommy and Dave (captainglobehead) i dont no what i would do.. they have been there to help me through all this mess and i dont no how to thank them for it!! im a lucky girl to have them and i would gladely give my life for the both of them if need be!! there for if you mess with my mommy or best friend i think i will have to kill you... dont say i didnt warn you! (hehe)

COMMENTS

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lused
02:33 Sep 28 2008

hay dont give up life is what you make it most all people nead is some one to talk to some one who knowes what its like to be under so much presher and tobe so confused and if nead be rember ill always liston so keep building those wall's after all the piramids wernt built over night



good luck with your trubbles

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you no ive had a lot of time to think.. when i think about everything that ive done it makes me feel like im no good and i dont deserve the things i get.. at a young age ive got into selling drugs, and pills for my dad just so he would have money to get the kind of drugs he wanted, ive bought the shit for him. i ran with a bad crowd.. i mean i no my life isnt perfect but still.

to tell you the truth i hate my mother.. everything that shes done to me. kicked me out of the house took a knife to my throat. accusing me of sleeping with my own father! how fucking gross is that?? calling me a slut! i mean i can go on and on. everyone tells me that sooner or later ill love her but i wont.. i never will. i been beaten ive been kicked out. you name it its happend to me..

for the past 3 years i have lived with my dads sister. my aunt and uncle up in CT.. im just glad to be away from them down there in florida. i wouldnt have lived much longer liveing with them.

Ive always been a daddys girl, and ive done some pretty bad things in my time of living that it makes me sick to even think about. i no i cant keep it bottled up any longer because its ripping my life apart.. i cant trust any of my friends with this stuff for i am afraid that they will judge me and i will be left alone..

Being 13 i always did everything for my dad.. sure he put me in danger from time to time, but i didnt mind cause he was my dad and i loved him. His name is Ernie. hehe my all time fav name. but anyway, his drug dealer had a brother who was 17. My dad knew that he was interested in me and so he lied. He told Alex that i was 15 when in reality i was 13. i had no idea what he was getting me into so i followed along. i went out on a few dates with the kid and dad got his drugs for free.. and all i was doing was trying to be the perfect daughter.. some time around the end of the first month alex started to beat me. for lots of reasons. he liked it and cause dad had gotten about $300 worth of drugs from him and i wasnt paying up. i couldnt do things with friends for fear that they would see me all bruised up and tell my dad. i didnt no what to do. so when i finally got the nerve to tell alex it was over he beat me to where my friends thought he might kill me.. he had broken my ribs, bruised me all up, and said that if i didnt do what he wanted me to do and act like everything was fine he would kill my dad.. so i did almost everything he wanted me to do and then my dad found out. he went over there and beat the shit out of him. trying to be the perfect daughter and helping out isnt fun. i get damaged in more ways then one. and even though i love my dad to death no one should have to live like that.

i really dont understand men.. i mean it.. its like you tell them you cant get invloved, and they like throw themselves at you.. i really do hate it ALOT... i always have guys approaching me and hittin on me and ughhh its kinda annoying and not only that but they dont take no for an answer... and then when that happens they start to stalk you like this one guy is doing now... *shivers* will someone please tell me why men do that? is it because we hurt their pride by saying no? well, whatever it is im gonna hurt something else on them if they keep doing it to me!! hehe, im soo mean i no!

My dearest friend, and you no who you are. Ive been through my ups and my downs and youve been there every step of the way. I tell you everything and i havent even met you. How crazy is that? I hope one day i can see you face to face and when that day comes, i will give you a big hug and kiss and i will end up crying this i no. If i didnt have you to tell all my problems to i would bottle everything up inside, and slowly go insane. You never put me down, you dont make fun of me for the stupid things i say and do, you always seem to cheer me up with your little jokes and your comments. most of all you tell me you care about me and your the one who tells me to be "safe and not to do anything stupid" and i really do take that all to heart! You chase my fears away and you make me believe that i am strong and nothing will ever hurt me. Even my guy problems that im never lacking you always warn me and help me out. (and im sure u dont want to hear about it but u help anyways hehe)

If i was older or you younger i swear you would be the one for me.. and here i saved the best for last lol if it wasnt for you i would not be Living, laughing, or loving each and every day... i wanted to tell you how much of a help you been and im really glad to have someone like you!! I love you and im here for you anytime you need me!

Love always and forever

~Your little angel Ash~

it was just another friday and i was sitting in my last class. History. well my best friend Nick was sitting next to me and he kept hitting me and poking me and hitting my hand while i was taking notes.. so i finally had enough lol so i hit him back.. we start messin around play hitting and the bell rings. so me being me i grab my stuff and book from the class. Nick ends up behind me and he says something thats really mean so i take my foot to go and try and kick him ( mean while im still walking) and he grabs my ankle and i cant get my balance and i end up on my knees sliding down the hall..... talk about being embarassed!!! omg i was beat red! now when i think about that i jsut laugh and they all including myself make fun of me.. hehe