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Everyday I wander is this living I'm alone and not being hurt anymore , no pain except whats in my heart all the emptiness. I work , breathe, barely eat and this is called living. i would like to be held and fall asleep in my true loves arms. but realistically there won't be that. this saddens me it been two years almost I still have nitemares as if were happening over and over again, my death being brought back to this . they should have left me in the woods for dead, hell my daughter had to come identify me what could have been worse, I cant even think of letting someone see me naked all the scars he left on me when he cut me up like a deer being field dressed. what is life without love. nothing, am nothing, I'm dead to the world. 04/08/2011

I'm alone don't sleep just exist, I'm eating more but hunger all the time. I wish I was dead there isn't pain when your dead just a empty blackness very calm it was nice, then I woke up I wasn't at peace anymore how dare they bring me back what right do they have to do that, now all there is hunger and I'm never full, I used to be a vegan now all I eat is meat the rarer the better and its not satisfying, the sexual urges omg are terrible. All I have is lonliness no love just a emptiness in my heart, I wasn't meant for this a eternity of dreaded whatever its better than hate. I just don't feel anymore is all.....





4/25/2011



Started dating, its going well so far. He's a nice man, a warrior. He's english and american very sensual.

I have learned to survive lifes drama and move on. I am not talking about normal drama I wish it would have been so easy. ITS NOT.....

Three years ago I met a human monster, not knowing he was, everything happened quickly within ten days I was engaged and moved in with him. Yes to look at that red flags should have came up. Some how the want for love and happiness blinded me, always listen to your brain it won't lie your heart will, needless it ended poorly and my life will never be the same.. I have lost more than my time or heart. But I am slowly getting my life back together and the scars are healing and some of the hole in my heart is closing. The part of my life I lost for two years will never be replaced but he will pay with karma and not by my hand or wishes, I have asked all the greater powers to help me forgive not forget in my heart and to be able to move on with my life so I can make good choices and to be cautious of alot of things.

I will tell the story in time.as my comfort levels increase but not until then. To say I'm alive, describe being alive working, breathing, eating sleeping , doing a repetive lifestyle, yes I'm alive barely. To live I have just started and will continue to live and won't ever put myself in a situation like that again. My hair has grown and all my bruises healed and my heart aches less, but I am alone and actually enjoy it for the most part. I am back here which I love it , its home and I'm glad I found it.