The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

feelings
04:18 Aug 31 2007
Times Read: 575

feelings are very complicated, i have an ex friend who continuosly askes me if i hate her, the answer is no i do not hate her, i am often very jealous of her but there is not hate,



no the hate is reserved for anthor, i once thought i could not hate but i find it is not true, u can only hate those you love. it is strange to say i know, but i believe it true. love and hate are very powerful feelings and to feel one extreme towards a person makes it possible to feel the other



i feel both feelings toward him at the exact same time which quite honestly makes me SICK.

i wish to only feel love but he continueally does things (not porpossly, i hope) to make these feeling rise to the surface,



i try to release myself from him completely and not feel anything but i can not.



they say it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all...... WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCK THEM UP!



ITS NOT TRUE, IT WASN'T ALL THAT LONG AGO THAT I LIVED MY LIFE HAPPY, CONTENT TO BE ALONE, YES AT TIMES IT SUCKED, BUT THEN MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY FILL THE VOID, (ok i;m done yelling)



now i've felt what it's like to be in love, its like a drug, its has been talken away from me, i feel like i'm in constant withdraw, the only person who can fullfill my need refuses to do so. i seek the feeling from others and no one else is able to give me the same high so to speak........ i'm fucked

mountains...
08:17 Aug 25 2007
Times Read: 588

i'm up the mountains right now, came up to vacation and c my grandparents. the first night i went to the bar, and the second day(today) i went kayaking, it was very soothing, though i could control the boat better going backwards then forwards lol. i always forget about 1 major hinderence in my ablilty to sleep.....CRICKETS! i fucking hate crickets, yesturday i just barley slept and today i cant at all. i've taken some sleeping pills but they haven't kicked in yet and i just feel yucky.... oh well, we come home tomorrow... then starts a new set of problems and confusions lol

overwhelmed
01:38 Aug 21 2007
Times Read: 598

i'm feeling allittle over whelmed about my job, today tommy the exec chef listed exaclty what i'm responible for by myself and the list is phemnominal..... it's so much, when i have help its no big deal but when the day comes that i need to do it by myself i'm gonna be in deep shit

today
01:38 Aug 20 2007
Times Read: 601

today was a good day, i finished all my work by 2:50 and got a 45 min break, so yay!



only me and reen home, which is wierd but kathleen took the foster kids out w/ her to my cousins birthday dinner. the quiet is errie (sp)



a friend of mine's hamsters had babies and i want one but salem, a.k.a killer cat, would probably think it was food



i'm trying to get my father to take me to 6flags for fright fest but i don't always feel comfortable just asking him for stuff. reen wants me to buy him a birthday present.... i don't know if i want to. does that make me a bad person?



carmens b-day is coming up so i've started working on cake designs......



hhhmmm, i think thats it

i'll update again if i think of anything



oh and just a question for ne one to answer

"if u were 19 whats the oldest guy/girl you would go out with? wats ok and wats too old?"

thanks to those who respond

i feel the need to admit things
03:09 Aug 19 2007
Times Read: 606

1. i thrive off attention/ compliments

i forgot how much untill a guy at work told me i had gorgeous eyes, suddenlly my day was going better, sad huh?



2. i am a creepy stalker person

i don't just stalk anyone so the general public need not be afraid,

but those i do, i can;t figure out why. he has moved on, it is evident in his corresopdence with her. i too have begun to talk to others but still i put myself through the torture of reading things i shouldn't be, to remind myself that he nolonger loves me.

i didn't read it for a long time but i felt a strong urge to call him and wanted to know what he was doing as of late. i regret now as i always do.

disgusted
00:41 Aug 17 2007
Times Read: 612

today i found out that the reason the kids mom was a no show was because she had gone to visit the boyfriend in prison, i'll never understand why she choses him over her children

worried
04:25 Aug 16 2007
Times Read: 615

i'm worried i made the wrong desision. i was so sure that i couldn't stand anymore school, i was in such a hurry to close off that part of my life, the part where i spent every waking moment with him. i connected being in school with being with him so when i needed to escape him i also felt the need to escape school. now i sit up wondering if i made the right desision, if i should have left. i don't want to be a fucking nurse for crying out loud i never wanted to do anything in the health care proffession. god i don't know what to do, i don't know where my lifes going and it scares the shit out of me, i don't know what to do......

explain this one to me
02:31 Aug 15 2007
Times Read: 617

if your children were taken away from you by the state and you could only see them 1 time a week for 2 hours, would u ever miss it? i know i wouldn't, the kids were suppose to c thier mom yesturday but she never showed up and this is the 2nd time she hasn't.



omg i am so tired and i got this haed ache that is beyond resonable, i'm gonna try to sleep soon but i've been having a hard time sleeping at night. nothing new happening. well goodnight

update
03:12 Aug 13 2007
Times Read: 620

hhhmmm this weekend was busy, we painted 2 rooms and moved alot of furniture



we will be keeping the kids until 12/13 thats thier mom's court date, if she gets her act together then they'll be home for christmas but sadly we don't live in a perfect world, right now she's still in deniel about her boyfriend every beating her children or raping her daughter, so the socail worker said not to count on them leaving by christmas, which is pretty damn sad. i can't understand how that woman can protect her boyfriend after what he did to her children.



on a happier note my little cousin, tori, and lolly (the foster kid) have decided that thier best friends which is cool for her.



tomorrow i start my nine day straight work week so i probably won't be on much



as for my tongue, i'm eating regular food, but nowhere near as much as normal cause it still gets in the way some what



salem is also completely healed and we have to watch him everytime we open the back door cause he try's to leave, hasn't gotten out yet though



been watching this series called the lost room, its good if any one gets the chance to watch it i recommend it.



also i'm looking for deals on lap tops so if anyone reading this has seen any message me please



ok goin to bed, please pray for my sanity, my guess is by day 7 or 8 what little i have will be gone.



good night

awake
05:16 Aug 12 2007
Times Read: 623

i can't sleep

i lay awake in bed and what thought runs through my head but that of the flower bush planted out side my window.

its a beautiful bush with many small multicolored flowers.

my mind drifts to when i recieved them

we were walking downtown, him and i

we were there to look in a bookshop at some grapic novels

but on the way back to the car we passed this cute little flower shop

the plant was on a table out front, i commented on its beauty

"would you like it?" he asks

i check the price it said $5.99, i would love it i respond

we go in to buy it, turnes out i read the wrong price it was $25.

i turn to put it back when he puts down the money

i look at him in confusion but say nothing

when we leave he said "do you really think i'd spend $200 on books but refuse you a $25 plant?, i love you"

"i love you to" i respond feeling so happy i might aswell have been floating



it hurts thinking about it, the flowers bloom but his love for me has wilted away



the memory is a sweet one but sadly thats all it can be called a memory

every day
03:41 Aug 11 2007
Times Read: 627

every day you look at my profile, what is it you hope you find?



every day you look at my journal, do you find any thing of interest?



i'm just curous to know why? to know what your thinking of or what your looking for.



its not like you call me to talk or message me to ask.



well maybe you'll respond to this, maybe you won't what ever

update
02:10 Aug 09 2007
Times Read: 633






we got foster kids 2 days ago, a girl (6) and a boy (10), i think thier puero rican. today was a good day, joy carmen pat and i went to the mall and hung out for like 4 hours and then i got my tongue pierced and pat got his ear done. my tongue sore and allittle swollen but other then that it wasn't as bad as i thought it was gonna be. hopefully by tomorrow i'll be able to eat. can't wait to try it out on some one lol. well good night

talk
02:31 Aug 07 2007
Times Read: 636

i wish i could talk to animals. i spent 4 hours last night at the emergency vet because some one hurt one of my beloved cats. he will be ok, he just has to heal, we were givin pain meds for him. i'm just glad he's alive, when we first went to the animal hospital i thought his spine was broken because he wouldn't move his back legs, i thought i would have to put him down, it turned out he was just in shock. at first i didn't even think about it being on porpuse but the more i think about it the more i relize it could have been and i just wish he could tell me what happened. ohwell all i can do now is hope for a speedy recovery.

remove me
03:01 Aug 02 2007
Times Read: 643

you obvoisly made your desion when you blocked my messages so remove me from your friends list

burned
02:16 Aug 01 2007
Times Read: 589

i was thinking today at work about relationships

when a person gets burned by some one they care about, they look for someone thats completely different from the first, i c it was why my ex chose me and why i chose the new person. he loved his gf in hs, but it didn't work and he was deeply hurt, he picked me bacuse i was so different then her, thus it is assumed there wouldn't be any problems, but there were problems because no matter how different to two girls are they are still human. the same goes for the new guy i'm talking to, he couldn't be more different from my ex if he tried, but recoinizing that although he is different he too is human and we'll both make mistakes as we have in the past, but hopefully we'll deal with them better

response
02:08 Aug 01 2007
Times Read: 590

i wish to resond though you'll probaby never see it



i was angry, you broke my heart

but do not lie and say she had no part

for had it not been for her there would have been no start



i'm not you type i never was

i can;t reach your expectations, as no one ever does



but you chose to pretend to love

you chose to pretend to care

for who was the one who was always there?



me! i was there when you needed me most

but when it came time for me to need there was no room



it could never work out because the only happiness you cared about was your own

a relation ship takes 2, it doesn't work with only one caring alone



i look around at the gifts you gave me

tokens of love they were suppossed to be

i wish they would all dissappear with thy memory

but sadly this can not be



i'll move on, i'll have to

hopefully the new person in my life will help me make u fade away

hopefully i'll look back at smile at thosedays



look back and only remeber the good times

instead of wondering who was at fault



my poetry will never be as good at yours but my feelings have always been true



god! i tried to just be your friend. i truelly though me goin out w/ another would make you happy, because then i wouldn't feel inclined to think of ways to make your life hell, it shouldn't matter to me wether or not it makes you happy but god help me, i relise i do still care what you think. you say if it hurts to talk to you then i shouldn't but your the one who makes it hurt and your the one (to recap) who wanted to stay friends......

what ever iff you wish to never speak 2 me again just remove me from your friends list and i'll know

should you do this i won't im u on aim anymore, call u at home anymore or leave you messages on here anymore, just press the button and let me know.

if you chose to try to remain friends then actually message me and let me kno



i hope you do not chose to remove me though i will understand if you do

i just enjoy talking to you, u have a way of putting my problems in a new light(when they have nothing to do with you)

and i really enjoy argueing with you as stupid as it sounds

well i guess at this point i'm beating a dead horse so i'll stop now