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Sorry about the last entry. I was distraught. Just depressed maybe. I just wish to be normal, even though I know it will never happen. Just like when we all were in high school, we wish to be someone else, but we are stuck being who we are. At this point in time, I don''t think it is a bad thing. Just one of those points in time we could have changed. Think about it. Back in the day we all could have made changes, maybe become something else. But we did not. Be it luck,doing, or just dumb chance, that it is what it is. Fuck it- I am happy being me. I could have done things differently, but i did't. I don't think it was a misstake, it just panned out that way. I wish life was easier. But I know better. Hindsight is always 20/20, things get fuzzy for the future, or even now.

I had a really shitty night. I am in a rather foul mood. I am really sick and tiered of this crap. I don't know what else to do. I am like a dog that has been beatened too long. What the fuck else should I do? I am happy to be in a coven, but in real life I am shitten on. This is not fair, and I am sick of it. It is like I do not exist. Fine, so be it. I am just so tired of stuff I cannot fight back. I am so upset, I am just sitting here, seeing how fucked up I can get on booze. I am gonna drink till I cannot walk, more or less type. Sorry fans, there is nothing else I can do. I wish you all well, I like you all alot.

I have been asked to join a coven! BloodyVampireRose has asked me! I am very happy now!

Ok. I hate to get sentimental. But something has been bothering me for a while. I have a stalker. Not here, but the real type. why does it have to be like this? What is the problem? My life sucks, why fucking bring me down more? Ok, maybe I am too melodramatic but that is the way it is, I am too drunk to make heads or tails of this. Anyway, everyone have a great weekend, I gotta work. But I will be back!

Ok, it is not the REAL weekend. I got a crappy schedule-my days off are Thursday and Friday. So I gotta make the best of it. Hey, I told ya my job sucks, this just proves it. NO one out tonight. I met up with my bud last night, went to the mountain-it was cool-all the stars out. Would it not be great if all of us could like teleport to one big bar, we could just sit around and shoot the shit with great music playing? Instead of typing we could actually talk face to face. Whoaa, thats a concept. And yes, my team is sucking fast, for all that is evil! What the hells going on? It must be fixed. As the song goes by the rolling stones, you can't always get what you want, sometimes you get what you need. Gotta lot to do tommorrow so I will make this short, when in doubt-get drunk-things get clearer.

Tonight was a good night, my bud hung out with me tonight. We just chilled out listing to good music. I thougt other people would be out but there was none to be had. I guess that happens some times.

I am now a marplot! I guess I better look that up-hopefully it is good. No matter what-I am overjoyed!

I love the rain....believe or not, it makes me happy. Not to mention, things are easier at work. Plus-sleeping is great. Did you ever notice that, when you work dayshift, you don't want to get outta bed. When you work second shift-you sleep like a baby. Ok, it makes for a kinda crappy night at work if your in and out of it, but it works for me. Not too many people out tonight, well hell-it is a Wendsday. Drank hard last night, so I did not over do it tonight. Looking forward to some shut eye. I like to experiment when I sleep, you know, spicy food,booze,sleeping pills etc. (no not all together-I'd never get out of bed) I try to find a good combo to see which makes me dream more. Once I did mushrooms(spicy legal ones )and a few beers, whoa- that was a fantastic trip in lala land. Kinda scary, not really just dreams, mostly nightmares. But it gave me something to think about the next day. Ok fans lets deal with some real issues. Love, commitment, lust, sex, jelousy,pain,suffering,torment,regret,spite,hate, and the ever infamous-sorrow and lament. (pardon my spelling-I'm typing like a maniac, too many damn mushrooms) I gotta tell ya, I love my friends and family to death, but everyone is with someone, engaged or married. Then all of a sudden they are banging out kids! My buds are springing this shit on me, I am alot older than them, I feel like a fucking moron. I get to be all their kids "uncle bunk" is there anything more depressing than my truck taking a shit and my make belive dog dying? I just know I'm gonna die shitting in my diapers in a old folks warehouse thinking about what shoulda been. There ain't gonna be no one taking care of this old worn out vamp. Let's face it-I'll be wheeling myself all over the place in the middle of the night. Then the sadistic bastards will probably strap me down with some sorta alarm strapped to me if I try to escape. Sniff *Sniff* you smell that? smells like fucking pitty. I am pretty hard on myself, but it keeps me going-ain't gonna let those bastards keep me down. Straps and alarms are no freaking match for the bunk! Die ass wipers-Die!

Yes, it is true. My team choked. I was in total disgrace walking into the bar, the looks, the sneers, the comments. God I want to die. This is pathetic, a shutout for the love of all that is evil. What the hell just happened? I truly hope this is not an indication for the rest of the year, or I will be typing alot. In other news, I talked to my ex, not the ex whore, the other ex- I like to talk to her, but it went no where. I guess that is the way it is when it is over. Maybe we are just fooling ourselves, buying time instead of admitting its over. Nothing happens lately, it really is over, I can't imagine anything happening after all this. I guess it could be worse, her spitting in my face, or me doubting her. So I consider myself lucky. I just wish the single pool was a little bit bigger out there. There has to be someone out there.

Ok, I'm sorry about my last rave, I was drunk. Ok lets get serious, I was shitfaced. But the truth came out. I can not escape it. I did not make it, I just did the best I could. I am not perfect, I know this, we all do what we can. I just can't help but think that people should be better to each other. That is not too much to ask. Maybe it's better to be in this somber state, i do not know. I care so much about other people, but I am so fucking scared to have the shit happen again to me, just like carving my heart out with a shitty butter knife. People think I am cold, I have to be to protect myself, or I will fall. I hate to be alone, but it is better then getting fucked over. Well at least football is back, more reasons to get plowed..... I'd still rather be with someone....................

Ok, I hoped things would be better tonight. Get this- someone I have not seen in a while starts talking about my real ex. Yeah, my ex wife. Holy shit! What is up with that? It's been too many years-why bring that shit up now. She explaned after all these years, the ex decided to call her, I guess out of the blue. What a fucking coincidenc, all of a sudden she sees me! Does this happen to any body else but me, I am a shit magnet. Trying to get my shitty life in line, and I gotta deal with this now! I am ready to swallow my 40ty cal.! The moon has to do with this shit, I have no fucking idea where this came from. My god, am I in a freaking movie or what! This is unacepatable! I don't need this shit now in my life. I am falling apart. I can't tell real from bull shit. Why does this shit happen to me all the fucking time? I am living in hell. This bitch did everything in her power to fuck me over, and still here I am. Christ will someone just kill me now. I am too fucking tired to deal with this shit. I am worn down, they have torn me down to nothing now. It just has to get better, maybe it is time, I'm done fucking around.

Song quote: "I'll go ahead and pour myself a drink" I don't wanna know it's over. I can barely see whats in front of me, cause the vodkas running on empty. Save your goodbye kiss, I dont wanna know its over, cause ignorance is bliss. Fuck I should just die. I can't stay sober........Yeah I am done. I don't wanna know its over, so save your goodby kiss. I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know, cause the vodkas running on empty. I don't want to know.



Trouble is, I do know. Maybe it is time. You deserve better than me.

Hmmm, thought tonight would be good-maybe one or two freaks out. Ehhh, did not happen-alone in the bar after work. Good thing my friends the bartender, someone to talk to at the least. Don't you all think things would or should be better on a night like this? It really is a gorgeous night out, clear, not too cold, quiet. TOO fucking quiet, god-it sucks. Guess everyone is burned out after the holiday weekend, would have thought at least a few diehards like me would be out. No chance, tonight will be freaking busy knowing my luck, no time to party it up. That is good, gotta get up EARLY, yes, before noon. Could be a rough one, time for the sunglasses and long sleeves.

Ok, I really wanted a good weekend. It was not toooo bad-but could have been better. Alot of drinking which is good, but other things could have been better. Alone again, maybe I deserve this. Trouble with the ex you ask? I answer-affirmative. Almost like I am a ghost, there, but nothing else. Barely a sentence-fuck it, I am better off alone. More fun to be had by all. Listen to hinder if you ever doubt my words. I am done fucking around-time to go out and take care of business. Life is too short to be alone, there gotta be somebody out there worth it. Till then, I'll just drink it all away, pray for a good night sooner or later.

Had a half decent weekend, even with the rain. I don't mind though, kinda like the rain, makes sleeping easier. Alot of drinking, and hanging out. At least I did not get TOO drunk, I remember everything for once. Off this weekend coming up, but got alot of stuff to do during the day. Yeah, I know-ugg, up during sunlight. But I gotta, make my presence known to the public. All the others are away, so I am left in charge, not too bad-gives me something to do. Hopefully it's not too busy, but I know my luck. I'll be running my ass off, everything will go wrong, it's just my luck. Gotta try to sleep now, maybe some pills will help, hafta try, go back into the office tonight.

Muhaha, I sneaked my way into a four day weekend! Yes! Four days off. That's what I'm talking about. By the way, how is everybody else doing? You know ya want to party, let me know. Tonight did kinda suck, but I did what I could. Home alone doing nothing but typing-now that sucks.