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Ok, the stuff is off my head. It took an hour and a half, but finally it is gone. I am back to normal. It feels good, kinda chilly, but easier to take care of. Trying to tie the package on.. got the beveys, just gotta drink it all down. Just a "zune" gotta get the tunes down pat. Right now listing to billy idol, scream. That what I'm talking about. It's all about the stuff. Rock on night breeds!

About freaking time! Thanks to pagans all around-I got out without even breaking a sweat. It was close though, thought I might actully have to do something. Whhew! So much time, so little to do though. One thing, I gotta get this mess on my head cut down, it is fucking all over the place! Won't get too drunk tonight though, I am out of beer. Hmm? is that a shot glass calling me? I think it is. Give me a moment. Much better now.

Well not exactly, but close enough. I take things way too fucking seriously. My real job is fucking driving me crazy, the stress is getting to me even when away from it. But one more day in the shithole, and then I'm on va ca tion! A whole nine days off! I should do something special and or different, I don't know, gotta think about it. I should just jump on a plane and go somewhere tropical. But it sucks being alone, maybe meet new friends, who knows?

Yes for most of you it is just a shitty beginning of a week. For me, I get two really crappy days off. That will change, I told the probbie that starting in three weeks, I get off Thursdays and Fridays. I don't know if that is good or bad. I know for a fact I will drink more, causing more problems. But hey, I'm the senior guy, I should do what I want. Who knows what might happen. We will see. I have felt a certain"thing" lately. I have an idea, maybe I am stronger than that, I don't think so, maybe I am lucky.

Yes it is true, there is witchcraft against me! hevan help me!

What the fuck is with me. Did ya ever wake up and say "holy shit, I am fucked up!" I did it this morning. I went to work pretended nothing was wrong-guess what? My shit is fucked up. I thought I was semi normal. No. I am truly a fucked up individual. I do things no one else does. And I blow it off as normal. No wonder I am a schlub. I should be a nice guy, like back in the day saving people and whatnot. But no, now I am a "something else" Fuck, I dont even know what the fuck I am now. I have to tell myself everyday that I am still a "good" guy. What the fuck am I? I don't know anymore. I know I have serious issues. What to do. Maybe someday I will figure it out. No wonder I like sex hard and mean. That is fucked, is should be soft and slow, well sometimes that is........................

Yeah, you know it, got my ass kicked at work. Got through it - then my buds asked me to bartend so they can go out and party. I don't mind, made money and chilled. I should say I am just a "beer" tender. But I am at least good at that. We had fun later. I like my friends alot. They help me out. A good movie for ya all is called "May". Kinda scary, like me. I like it cause it is what I feel like most of the time. Except for the dolls-men don't have dolls-unless they are gi joe. I never had one as a kid, maybe thats why I am so fucked up. Ehh, some shots and booze and it all goes away. It's all about loving people more than they love you, been about my whole life. Let's face it baby, I give till it hurts. Me.......

Yes, it is true. I feel kinda, How can I put it? HORNEY. I don't know what it is right about now. But I am in a state of lust. Don't really know why, I just am. I do know of something that precipitated this, I will not divulge this at this time, I really want to keep it to myself at this time. Sort of a private little dirty secret. It has done something to me, unleashed my deepest, darkest desires. I will let it go for now in my journal, it may be too graphic for my fans. But I must pursue this, I need it, it follows me in my dreams, it is like an addiction. I just don't know how far to go.......I guess I will find out......

Yes, here I am. Got through another holiday. Will it ever stop? Too many heaped together, can ya really celebrate? Has alot to do with good/great people dying. Is that really a time to celebrate? Ehh, well, maybe looking too much to do with it. Got two more days off, hmmm, what to do. I got a strange idea! Get drunk off my ass. That is something I have not done in a while, let s try it! Yes, just a little sarcasim here, but what the hey, i'm taking it back. Ever see the movie clerks 2, that is some funny shit, wish my life was simple like that. But then again, I'd have nothing to bitch about. Rock on people, jesus is my buddy! (I could only hope)

I just think this is some really good shit. " Now things are comming clear, I don't need you anymore, I'll stay up all night-drink and fucking fight" Good lyrics, ya gotta admitt. Along with great bass and drums. Check it out the new album is one x. The whole thing is the shit, I just keep playing it over and over. Well anyhoo, its my Saturday night, and I am fucking bored. Did not even get drunk(I ate like a hog) could'nt even buy a buz if I tried. But tommorow is a new day. "first time you screamed at me, I should have made you leave." "But now I'ts comming clear, I don't need you here, I tell myself I don't need you here-now your gone forever." Bitching word! Just staying sucker free!

Alright people. I gotta thank ya'll for following me. Did I ever tell ya all about my personnal life? I probably did not, I know I rave about everthing, but I got alot of personnel problems. Some are easy some really suck. I want to talk about them here, but I don't type that fast or good. Just mail me and I will explain. Anyway happy new year to everybody!

Tonight should have been boring. It was not. Some things happenned that will result in reprecussions. What do I say, what do i do? Now I am fucked, it is my friends b-day. Let it go? Pretend it did not happen? What the fuck do I do now? I know alotta dirt. I hate keeping secrets. I know sometimes it is a neccessary evil but, sometimes you get an overload. What is bad, what is good, who will suffer if you talk, what to do? I am very confussed about now, I think I will just shut the fuck up. But I know it will haunt me later.

Yeah, it is that time. Looking for the best to come out of all this, but knowing me, it will be the same shit. I keep thinking I will change, I know better, it is still me. I keep finding new and amazing ways to fuck up. A professional fuck up artist you might put it. Ah, one can dream though. Maybe SOMETHING might change. I really dont see it though. My nye was substandard, did not even get as drunk as I thought, but at least my friends had a good time, spent the morning alone though. It could have been much better with the right person with me, maybe at the end of this year!