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i closed my eyes and pressed down on my arm with the blade and watched as my red liquid ran down and poured down on the floor,

everything became blurry as my head clashed with the bathroom tile on the floor



i dreamed that i died but i couldn't leave this world...i was stuck here and this was my punishment



i awoke to a soothing voice huming, i slowly opened my eyes and there she was sitting next to me



"just like that" i said just above a whisper

"huh" she looked down into my glazed over eyes

"sing for me please" i asked



she smiled and continue to hum her song while she wrapped that bandages onto my arm



"you shouldn't do that you know" you began to tell me how i shouldn't do this and how wrong it is

"what do you t hink mom would say if she knew"

i began to drift away letting my mind wander

it went to a place that didn't exsist but was only in my mind...and i would have died a thousand deaths to get there



"i love you"

i said to her as i closed my eyes and embraced that darkness

"Raven"?

but it was too late.....i was far gone

damn i don't think i've ever been so tired before in my life....tonight i went to a hockey game with my brother and nephew ...the lynix got their ass kicked but i atleast got to see a good fight

later i went over to todds where i got wasted completely......last night when i was at the bar with mike wasn't as bad as this...i can hardly see to type this





ok well i did the spell for grandmothers cancer and took it out of her.....and now it's in me...in my chest and it's growing at a very fast and unstable rate....slowly killing my cells within and taking me wtih it

my dad doesn't think it's cancer but only because i didn't tell him everything...he thinks it's just a pulled muscle or something....not like he really cares or anything...

know what? fuck it ....let the disease consume me...not like i care

save the world some grieve...i'm only a waste of time and space...i don't belong here



Raven

Was it worth it?I loved you. You know. Loved you with all of my soul at one time I believed you did too. I can now plainly see that it was not the case at all. What was I to you? Was I just the boy you could lie to and stab him in the fucking back?Or did you for a time love me... What happened to that love? Did you forget it or WHAT?You could have told me. You should have told me and not let me find out the way I did. I will never forgive you for what you have done. You took a perfectly good person and broke him into a million pieces and then crushed them under your heel. Did you enjoy it? Did you have fun watching me as I fell head over heels for you? I bet you laughed at me, laughed so hard to spite me.

Do you hate me that much? That you led me to believe you loved me just so you could see when I was crushed. Or was this all a thing of circumstance. Even so you have to realize the pain you have caused me now. You will never see me ever again

i held the blade so close to my arms wanting to bad to dig in and release my blood onto the floor...to watch my love for her drip out and scream out i'm sorry



i found out the real reason she broke it off and i must say that i am very disgusted by her actions...i will never forgive her and never will i forget what she did....i will forever more hold the shattered pieces of my heart close and never trust the world again.



i took the jagged pieces of my heart and slit my wrist with them....i signed your name into my wrist so everyone will know who left me like this...so tell me are u happy now?



Raven

i shouldn't have come to school this morning

i felt so out of place and i didn't belong there

i wanted to dig myslef into a whole and die



the bell rung and she didn't even want to be next to me ...or even touch me

people without souls pushed there way to their destanation with out care for the person next to them

i stood in the hall unsure of which path to take

i wanted to run out the door and into the street and hoped a car would hit me....instead i keep my head down and walked to my class



last period i recived the news and honstley i feel like hanging myself...i told myself that if this didn't work out....no i swore to myself that i would give up on everything



i'm so fucking sick of this place...so tired of being in this desolate place



love is the weakest emotion...and i'm so sick of hurting

i think i will reach into my chest and rip out my heart literally

that way no matter what happens from here on out ...i won't feel it

it was my fault anyway...i made her sad and it's my fault she's hurting



a killing machine that should be killed



Raven

this has been a bad week...ok so not so bad but it could have went better .......i'm still looking for something for my grandmother.....she's dying and i don't have much time with her



last night i stated thinking about alot of things....i've lost so much and i fell so damn alone at times...so confused and lost



i was listing to this song last night

it was by breaking benjamin



it reminded me of the family before we all split...it's so quite now...you never go a day without hearing all these hateful words...not once have i heard somone say "hello how are u today"? or "i love you"

or well fuck it

don't need em anyway

once i get out of school i'm outta here for good



Raven

it hurts really bad now....i've thrown up constantly

Grandama is dying...we think she has cancer

she is very sick and has been throwing up...she can't keep anything down



i was up all night last night looking for a spell or something to make her better

i've concidered tranfering my own energy into her so she can live again

i don't care what happenes to me as long as she is ok

i don't think i can take it if i lose someone else

If i must make a deal with the devil then so be it but i will not sit by and let the people i love be taken away from me



Raven

i'm so sick and my whole body hurts and i can't keep this up anymore

i want to lay down and die ....i hurt all over



things have been rough lately....with amys divorce and everything...i wonder if that bastard will have the balls to show his face again

if he threatens me like that again i swear i'm going to kill him and drag his bloody body onto the highway and let people run over him



i'm really tired of being threatened...you know who you are...and if they think that they can kill me then by all means go ahead and try but just remember ....wherever you go who ever your around ....what ever you drink or no matter what you do you will never have another moments peace becasue i'll always be watching and i'll be waiting in the dark



Raven