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As I sit here while all are asleep, I wonder why I am here. Am I supposed to do something in this life to correct something I did in another? Did I do something, that warrants me to be lied to, decieved, betrayed???? I can not remember doing anything wrong before, but I can only see pieces of them.

I am tired, broke, and just plain sick of this game and I want it to end.

Is happiness to much to ask for? Is it wrong to want to feel love in my heart and to want whoever it is to protect that love and the very heart given to them? I didn't think it was that difficult to give of yourself as someone else gives of themselves to you, but maybe I am wrong. Maybe it is too hard for someone to give up the life they had for something better, for something true, for something real. There are no hidden agendas here, no secrets kept, no special bidding to be done. The only things EVER asked for is love, trust, respect, commitment, and honesty. Of all the things that I could ask for these 5 things are all I want, these 5 things are what I feel will never get.

I am tired....tired of all the fighting...between us, between my heart, my mind, and my will.

I wrote both of these entries back in January, and you would think that by now, August, things would have changed, but it is the same old story, with a bit of a new twist.

I stopped trying to fix it. I am not going to deal with it any more either. Things are going to change soon. My heart is being torn apart, ripped out of my chest and burned. I just can't take it any more. The one person I have entrusted my heart to is destroying it. Destroying the love, the trust, the very bonds the make us a couple.





Why all the LIES?????

15:08:11 - Jan 16 2006



Why does EVERYONE have to lie? I am have grown tired of lies. Lies and deciete are so common place now you have to be wery of them all the time. I am working on thinning out all the lies in my life and trying desperately to hold onto the one I love. It is very difficult to say the least. I may not have alot of friends,and I may not have a prestigeous life,but I am someone who is to be trusted, someone who is dedicated to all that I care about, and all I want is someone I can trust. Someone who can say to themselves and the world, " I am a trust worthy person" and feel good about that. Not someone who swears that they are not lying,but IS lying to not only themselves but to the very one they swore it to,..............the one they love.



sorrows of the heart

14:41:23 - Jan 12 2006



Most people want to be with someone, especially in a relationship, but what do you do when you love the one your with, would die for them, and they would rather just keep their distance from you whenever they can?

I am trying to keep from falling apart, and keep my life from falling apart too. How much can you give to make someone happy before you yourself are then unhappy?. Does it need to be this way all the time? I am trying to fix this problem. I just don't know if I can do it.