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The reason I like saw...jigsaw



the movie character



is maybe because in a way I am my own Jigsaw.



I place my self in un necessary wretched situations



and in pieces and bloody and fucked up



make it out



I keep walking and find it most



interesting how...I look within deeper each time.







this time my question is...what does my mind think when reason and all have left the



state of sobriety?







I fear in a way perhaps that I am very very lust ful...or perhaps that I am very very much



just placing myself in line for someone to kill me still.



Is that my desire somewhere deep inside to place myself in a terrible danger?







I don't think so...really I don't ...in all loving honesty ..I don't







but



something lies beneathe my mind that I should uncover.







I am my very own jigsaw.



I make myself discover my own beauty



my own curves and body and look at it as they do



I make myself discover me



I am my very own jigsaw



I make myself love myself



by destroying myself



I make myself ask for help by taking the knee caps out.



I am my very own jigsaw.







but yes...It would be easier if he were a soft spoken white haired guy that every once in



a while would be there for me to rest my head upon his chest.







but for reality sake



I am the one who saws the foot off to get out of the chains...if she wants to be free.

I wonder what I say when I am completely intoxicated.

I would love someone to video tape me or record me somehow.

do I spill out obscenities or atrocities

do I mimic the people around me

and say things that they are thinking

does my chi my inner energy drop so much that they can actually be with me comfortably.

what do I say when my mind dances in alcohol

or my mind better said floats like a lost ship on a sea of tequila and booze given by horny lustful strangers???





I do wonder

why they like it so.

what amusement do I bring to them?

doesn't happen very often

It recently happened so that be why I wonder.

what the fuck do I say that its worth it for them to keep buying the rounds?



would love to get to that point with a very good friend, really would love to take that mind on auto pilot journey with a very good Mickey friend I have



maybe I say things that are deep within

deep horrible desires or something of pure wretched sin

Maybe I should do these things

and then they would not be hidden so deeply.



maybe.

maybe not.

drunken memoires I suppose

things that make no difference to anyone but me.