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Here's an idea.. Maybe if i repeat the same thing over and over, someone will actually pay attention to me.



Or, maybe not.

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babybuns
00:12 Aug 04 2012

I tend to open my mouth when i shouldn't, but i will say.. That wasn't intended for you. Js.

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If someone who i know has been lying to me decides to admit the truth, i see one of two things:



1. They're admitting to the bigger lies so the lesser ones that are found later on won't sting as much.



Or



2. They're admitting to the lesser things so you won't see the bigger picture.



Either way, my stomach hurts. I really don't see anything being admitted to if you'd like to know how i really feel. Maybe in my best of daydreams i can see the fairytale unfold; but as you enjoy your world, mine is also filled with dark and gloom - now, more so than ever.



This home has become a prison - my mind the straightjacket.

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NellMorgan
21:51 Aug 03 2012

Hugs.

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I retract my previous journal entry.



While I'd usually explain further, the intended recipients are worth no more of my time.

I've previously stated in my journal, more than once, that i have anger problems. In most situations this can be taken lightly, but not in matters of the heart.



You see, I've only been in a handful of fights w females. I don't like to fight, i find it petty and simple minded. There are always better ways, ignoring your dumbasses for starters.



But i will warn you now.



I can be fucking psychotic. The only time, only time, i have ever swung first was when bitches were fucking with my heart. And as wrong as it is, while whatever man it may be will get the brunt of my emotions, yOU -WHORES- will get my rage.



It won't take much either. Just turning and walking away while I'm speaking was sufficient enough last time.



And to think i was actually considering you lucky, being as getting in my car with a base ball bat just to make you SHUT THE FUCK UP wasn't an option a few days ago.



But there's more of you close to me than i know, a few I'm almost certain of. So certain, in fact, that you should thank your lucky stars i didn't show up on a mother fucking hunch yet.



But be warned, take this as a mother fucking gift of my kindness, if and when i find out - you need to stay as far the fuck away from me as you can.



This has been culminating for years. I'm busting at the seems and that's something you need to be aware of.



I pray the protection and love he claimed to have for you helps you somewhere soon, because if it doesn't I'm scared for myself.



You will end up on the mother fucking pavement with your face looking like my brain feels.



Say what you want, but remember you've been warned.

Lies.. You enjoy them, so why be disappointed when your whores pick up the habit.

Games.. You play them. And while you are phenomenal at manipulating your own mind into your idea of a greater good, you lose me.

Stick to your path, for you wouldn't know who you are without it.

Enjoy the drama of your own creating.

Sure, it was there long before you. But the self appointed dark angel gabriel that you grew inside you feeds off of it.

Who are you without this?

Do you even know?



I'm done trying to find out.



One person can only do so much, though you put that line to shame.



No more poems, about me's, or kismets. No competition. No guidance. No love.



You chose to guide the world, show them their wrongs and their rights.



I chose you.



Choices and decisions

If you know Im looking, why the fuck would you say that???



Because it's in your nature. Who you are, apparently.

...And I'm a good girl...........

Nothing makes any sense. How do you do that? And then.. the things that I find that do make sense.. don't fucking make sense anymore. How the fuck do you do that?!



I'm supposed to be studying insurance bull shit. I'm supposed to be at the office tomorrow with a list full of questions about things I don't understand.. so I can pass this stupid ass test that I don't want to take.



I've got a list of questions from here to mother fucking kingdom come... now ask me if even ONE of them pertains to insurance?!





On a side note, the other day I had this really weird feeling - and as all of my feelings are replaced with new ones rather quickly, it didn't stay long. It was one of the most eerie feelings of peace I've ever had in my life (actually.. it was last Wednesday if i'm not mistaken... around 11 or 12). I was alone in my living room sitting in the chair, talking on the phone, and I could feel this energy... something that I promise you I've never felt before. I don't even believe I said anything about it to wifey, because to be honest, it made me feel a little crazy.. and while it's gone now, I can't seem to shake the thoughts it's still giving me.



I was sitting there, and this inescapable energy was surrounding me, really (during this feeling of peace). Yet, it wasn't static. It was coming to me, it was pulling something in. As if I was a tornado sucking up all of the winds and objects in my path. My whole body felt heavy, and powerful. I could literally feel my body pulling something towards me (and yea yea, I might have my crazy moments, but this wasn't one of them.. i don't know how else to explain it but by calling it an energy. That's what it was). Whether you believe me or not, this is true. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't know what the hell it was, all I know is I could feel it.



Then, later I find that you've been working just a few blocks from here. As crazy as it may sound, I wonder if you could feel it too...

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babybuns
15:54 Aug 01 2012

Do you know i actually got up from my chair and walked to the porch... Didn't do anything else, just stood there for a minute and looked around.



The baby started to crawl out so i grabbed her and went back in.



I wonder..

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I just don't get it. I don't think i ever will. How could you possibly give all of this up? And no, i don't literally mean give all of it up.



You know what i mean.



It's so big a part of your life. They're everywhere.



And you'll stay, and continue to watch them bitch and moan for months.. Who knows, I'm sure for some it will last for years.



And my best friend? Really?? You felt it necessary to get to know her so well??? THAT fucking well???????



How is it possible for you to continue to hurt me so bad when all i want to do is love you?



All I've ever wanted to do was love you. You've had me from the beginning, and you know it, yet this is all I've ever gotten. This is what you've always chosen. What you enjoy doing.



And for me, a bunch of truths and realizations that break me apart inside. Was it all to make me strong enough to be able to be with you? Or is there still more horrible truths waiting for me around the next corner i turn?



I feel so sick. I always feel sick lately