22:32 Apr 29 2007
Times Read: 566
im actually feelin pretty good today, got a little drunk last night, but quite honestly it helped... alcohol is not a cure all or ne thing like that, but it deffinatly put me in better spirits and minus my headache last night, i feel pretty good today, still have my issues, but as of right now, they are not right up front in my mind.I feel bad for my mom, she had surgery yesterday, and while the surgery went ok, today did not go well for her, and i am concerned for her, but i just spent the last 45 minutes talking to her and she seems to be doing a bit better, and for the first time in weeks she actually has somewhat of an appetite back, which is good also.While things are definatly not back to normal, they are begining to feel a little bit more normal for me, and my hope is still that everything gets back on track and back to where i would like things to be.well yeah i guess i am done again for now... like i said in earlier blogs, the rough part of my day is still comming up, but hopefully i wont feel the need to get things off my chest ne more today/night!
still hurting..... but not as bad
21:36 Apr 21 2007
Times Read: 571
Still hurting...... but not as bad
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Romance and Relationships
well, we talked . And apparently are broken up. I am not happy about this and it still hurts me, but he is willing to try and make things work. I think we should have remained in the "relationship" and tried to fix the issues we have first, that should have been the first step in all this instead of his pretty much immediate break up, i have the feeling that not being "together" will make things a bit more difficult in the long run, but i am willing to comprimise, and give him the space, and so we both can step back a bit. I am not going to pretend that all this is not causing me pain and heartache because it is. But I know what we have/ had is special, and if we were truly meant to be than it will all work out in the end. My feelings of that if this ends up ending completly are still the same. I feel very insecure which is a feeling i have not felt in 9 months, and never wanted to feel ever again, but those feelings are back.Knowing before that I had the love and security,support, and heart of the most wonderful man on the universe made me a stronger,more secure, better person.And right now I am not feeling better. And having these insecurities in my life is scarring the living hell out of me.And truth be told.... i dont know how to make theses insecuritites go away right now.Things are really tough on me right now, and i feel scared, angry, upset, heartbroken, insecure,un happy in some ways i feel even lonlier than ever felt in my entire life, and let me tell you there have been extremely lonly times in my life.... 90% of my life before these past 9 months has been lonly.And it is a feeling I thought I would never feel to this magnitude ever again. Yet at the same time, i feel happy that we are trying to fix whatever it is that is broke.Most of all I am scared that after all this, in the end, I will end up without the one and only true love in my life. I am one big bag of mixed up emotions right now, and things are difficult, I am trying to get past my insecurities in all this because i know that having them will not help, but my whole foundation has been shook, and while it is still there, i feel as if it is not as strong as i would like it to be, but foundations can be rebuilt and made to be stronger than they were before and it is my hope in all this that our foundation will be made stronger...despite the current weakening of it.Relationships of any nature are hard and require work, and LDR's are slightly different in the fact that they sometimes require more work, and i am willing to do the work to make everything work for us.And I know he is willing to work to get it back on track as well, I just hope he is just as devoted and willing to make it as I am.
HURTING20:52 Apr 20 2007
Times Read: 579
I feel hurt, alone, worthless, and no good right now, and my heart is absolutly breaking... i have not felt this much pain since i lost my father, grandmother, and grandfather. Most any one who knows me knows i am in a long distance relationship and that aside from one fight things were going great. Well.... they are not so great right now. We both hurt because of the distance between us, which is understandable, and the not knowing when we will really be able to be with each other, but now my bf is telling me he doesnt think he can handle this any more.he basically said it hurts him to much, to wanna touch me, turn around and have me right there to talk to and i am not there, this hurts me as well, but i keep holding to the fact that eventually we will be able to be with each other like we want to.This is the man of my dreams he has made me so happy, and changed my life for the better, and i am supposed to be spending the rest of my life with him, but i dont know whats going on.... neither does he.... he loves me but, doesnt think he can continue to handle this. I dont think i can handle not being with him.The thought of not being with him hurts me more than the distance that sepparates us.other than my father he is the first man who has ever shown me true love, warmth, caring,and compassion,kindness,and genorousity he has made me want to be a better person, for my self as well as for him, which i thought i was now.It took me my whole life to find him, and if i lose him now, i have this feeling i will never find anyone else who can make me feel the way he makes me feel.he is my honest to god soulmate.He was a gift out of the clear blue sky, when every other guy in the world either never noticed me, or just treated me as a piece of ass.If i lose him now, my greatest fear will be realized... and that terrorfies me. people say they're are a million fish in the sea.. .maybe for most but not me. i feel so empty. there is this ache deep in my chest i have never felt before... not even for those loved ones who have passed on..... if this all turns out for the worse i dont think i will ever heal from this.this hurts sooo bad, and not knowing is all the worse.
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