....19:54 Sep 14 2014
Times Read: 468
No matter how many people I meet, no matter what I am doing, whether I'm working or I'm at home taking care of my daughter....you are always on my mind. My eyes slide over people, as if they aren't even really there, my eyes grow distant off and on as I think of you...Only a few days left and I will be with you for a short time, and thoughts enter my head..making my heart race, or making my chest hurt with fear....I fear losing you...I fear you'll walk away from me...or that I'll drive you off with something about me, though you say you won't walk away without good reason...I still fear it...I am unable to say the things I truly feel, from years of being told how I feel is wrong...or that it's merely a phase, so it won't last...I began hiding who I am behind this mask of happiness, optimism, smiles, and fearlessness....None of those are who I am..I'm dark, I'm depressed almost every day...I'm a massive pervert, and in all honesty...I'm extremely sexual, though I suppress everything about who I really am....
I don't know what spurred me to say everything, I know he isn't on this site....but I just...I don't know, he brings who I am to the surface within seconds of talking to him...people think I'm some one who loves to talk all the time in real life, but I'm actually not very talkative, I enjoy just spending time with my friends and watching a movie or being random...
Those who have known me on this site since I've joined know the real me, he knows the real me...and the real me is many things, but not the happy-go-lucky person I seem to be....
This is the real me:
I have suicidal thoughts off and on every day, though I find ways to distract my mind from them the moment they appear; I have an extremely perverted mind, though I curve it and suppress my desires with a 'lock and key' type....My daughter is the reason I am still alive, she is the one I work so hard for, and rarely sleep...eat...anything. I'm demented, and I think a lot of how I can very easily destroy some one's life with simple acts, though I won't do it. I'm sick and tired of being the one who is there for every one, I'm not really this "you can always rely on me no matter what" girl, though I will always be here when something severe happens...I'm not here to complain that something happened to you that in all honesty, you can fix by yourself. I understand a lot more than I act like I do, I see so much more than I say, and I'm not as strong as people believe...I break down rather easily, though no one sees or hears it...I prefer to hide away in my room when my emotional pain reaches that point, curl up and cry in silence...I have a quick temper, and I hold it back, biting my tongue day in and day out...Never speaking the thoughts I have about a lot of people...And, despite what some people I know would say about me, I'm not a cheater, liar, nor will I become unfaithful to some one whether it's text on a screen or a physical touch....
You want to know the real me, then get used to the me who hates too many people to count, a woman that will die for her child, and for the love of her life, and a mother that will defend her child to her dying day. I'm not going to sit here and listen to petty drama anymore, I'm done with the "He said-she said" highschool bullshit. You want to talk to me, become an adult, grow up, make a life for yourself, and stop being petty. There's more to life than video games, the internet, who is dating who, etc. That is high school problems; this is the real world....this is the real me.
Have a problem with who I am? Go fuck yourself, I don't give a shit anymore...I'm done being who I'm not, I'm done being the peppy, nice-to-everyone, pushover I've been pretending to be.
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