DEATH23:30 Dec 26 2012
Times Read: 496
Death?
Death is all around us it's something we can't avoide. People are dieing every second of everyday. So why is it when someone decides to end their life, people decide to care more than normal? I garontee when teens decide to take their lives, they gave warnings sighn or some other kind of sign. I know, because I was one of them. I was about 16 or 17 when I wanted to end my life. I tried everything I could but nothing worked. I resorted to telling my friends that I cut. At the time so did most of my friends. I hate to share these stories because I took a vow to tell noone about them. But I feel I must share with someone. Sorry girls. I know you would understand in these cercumstances. I will give no names to who each of my friends are,but I will tell you our stories, that way everyones identity and secrates will still stay between us. Well here are the stories, Most of us had issues together, issues we shared, we knew how the other felt. We needed some way to feel closer to one another. All of us felt like we had no one else but our crew, we were a big family and stayed together all throughout middle school and half of high school , but ill get to that later, heres our first storie. Well most of you know things go down in the bathrooms so heres what happened. We would go to the bathrooms together and cut ourselves together. At the time it made us feel closer to one another closer to someone, anyone. Because we knew what the others were going through. I remember this one time me and my friend had a sleep over and we were bored, we were talking about that morning when our other friend had issues and she didn't know how to deal with them. We all gathered in the bathroom at lunchtime and cut because we thought that if we showed our pain to our hurt friend it would make her feel better. Kinda nieve I know but it worked for us. So we thought, Well that same night when we had the sleep over my friend looked at me and laughed. I looked at her and asked "what?" She responce was " youll think I'm crazy if I ask you this" being me I responded with a silly comment. " were all silly so let's be silly together, now tell me what your thinking" she then proceeded to tell me she got high on fingernail polish remover earlier that day. I laughed because I wasn't sure if it was strong enough to even get us high. It was for a little bit.. That was my first experiance with any type of substance. That night when we were all happy and numb. She looked at me and asked if I would cut her. At first I was scared because if I cut too deep, I knew that it was me who whould have just killed my friend. I shrugged and we waited for everyone else to go to bed. Shortly after that she took out her razor blade from her bag and handed it to me. I was shaky from the dizzyness that the polish gave me. But I sat there an cut my friends arm, I knew I had cut her deep, after I was done I felt her wrist, it was deeper than normal but not deep enogh to kill her.. Still all the same it scared me. I handed the blade to her and stuck my wrist out. She proceeded to cut my wrist as exactly as I did hers. That was the first time I put my life in someone elses hands. Yeah it was scary but it also was a rush... I liked the feeling. But I never let one of my friends cut me after that night. Ok so here's te next story it's short. I remember reading this kids facebook status he was about 15 or 16 well he was talking about how his life wasn't worth living and he just wanted to end it right now. It brought me to tears because I knew what he was feeling, I cofided in this kid and later decoverd the kid hung himself 30 minutes after we talked. Now today I still blame myself for that kids death. I could have prevented him from doing that, this kid needed someone an instead of me giving him inspiring and encouragement, I proceeded to tell him my problems an how I wished I was dead too, I think at one point in the conversation I told him that I was putting together ideas to kill myself too. I came up with some ideas like,to overdose on drughs or hang myself at one point I think I even said to jump in front of a moving vehicle. A few months after that things were getting pretty bad for all of us and we still did our reutean cutings. One day I went home and felt like my life had no meaning and that cutting just wasn't enough anymore. I felt alone in this world aside from the friends I had and most of them wouldn't care if I ended it right there, I was getting bullied by this girl at school she would shove me into lockers an one time she almost suceeded to push me down the stairs, everyday it was something new. This girl told me to go kill myself and that no one would even miss me, sje proceeded to tell me that I was ugly and that she should just help me kill myself, she told me that she was going to push me down the stairs when I least expected it. I refused to go up stairs for any of my classes. At one point she told me that I was a slut and even started bullying my friends. that night I had extra bottles of precripsion pills that I had to take to get to sleep. They also doubled as a blood pressure pill. Well I took 10 of thoes on top of some pills I had stolen ( heart pills ) I also took 10 of thoes. Then 20 minutes later decided to take 6 asprine. I woke up the next morning dissapointed that I didn't die. I proceeded to get up out of bed and everything around me spun with all different colors I lost all my sence of hearing, I felt as if I was going to die right there. I almost ended up going to the hospitle. But that would have ment I had to tell someone what I did. I wasn't about to do that. In my entire lifetime there is two people I told this to my sister and Tiffany hicks. Oh an if I didn't already say I had been sexually asulted since I was 10, well now u know. The man lived with me so that only made thing worse. By the end of my sophmore year and half of my junior year I was seriously thinking of killing myself. At the end of my sophmore year we had track and feild. I planed to skip practice and go out into the woods tie a rope around a tree and hang myself. Then I thought about taking 30 of my blood pressure pills, going to sleep and never wakig up. Ya know go peasefully. At the time I was seriously unlovely with my bestfriend johnathan and I made the mistake of telling this to him, but I'm glade I did because if it wasn't for his phone call that night I deffanitly would have auceeded in killing myself. That man saved me that night. ( now we don't talk and it sadens me. But hey idont wana talk about that now.) I remember that same friend that cut my wrist for me ended up in the hospitle because she cut to deep. That really scared me, I almost lost one of my best friends an reality was starting to sink in. The middle of my sophmore year I decided to tell someone about my sexual abuser. I ended up telling my uncle, not because I was ready to tell (and I am ashamed if this) but because I was mad at someone . Well the police came and took me to the police staion where I met my dad ( at the time I didn't live with him) he took me and now I live with him. I did a totaly 360. My entire life was flipped upside down. I seriously wanted to kill myself more then ever before, just necer knew how. I lost all of my friends and most of my family the only person that stuck by my side was my dada brother Scott and my new family. I went from having no one to having 3 sisters and a brother and one adorable nephew. The first year I moved in with my dad was extreamly hard. I felt alone on so many levels. I began to push everyone out even more than before. I isolated myself from family events and even conversations that was going on. I continued to cut, until one day I cut my wrist and didn't cover it up. My step mom. ( now my accual mom) noticed and asked why I dd it. I told her it was the only way I was in conrltrol. She told me that she cared and didn't want me to do it again, but I did. And she found out again, this time I went to my grandmas,(my mom's mom). She explained to me that I did have people who cared and loves me. My family sat there and seriously talked to me about my problem that they were all there if i needed to talk. Honestly that was the first time i felt like i belonged aoneywhere. after that, yeah things were hard for me I tryed so hard to stop cutting an it worked. Ever since me and my grandma talked I haven't cut myself. It's my senior year I have all A's and B's and an amazing sister who would do anything for me. I hear about all of these girls killing themselves and waisting their lives, yeah I tottaly get where they are comming from. But in the same sence it shockes me. If I had someone there for me to talk to earlier I think I would have done the right things. Maybe .. Maybe not but you never know. Everyone needs someone sometimes. You could be that someone who helps someone else all you have to do is look around you. Be that person who saved a life. Inspire someone. Tell them they are beautiful. And if your words and insperation dont work then you need to tell someone. BE THAT PERSON WHO JUST SAVED A LIFE! but I am here to tell all the people who are planning on killing yourself it's not worth it. No matter how bad it really is. If ur getting beat, tell someone. If your getting sexualy asolted, tell someone. If your down right planning your death, pleas tell someone. No one deserves to get bullied or sexualy asolted. No one deserves to die no matter who you are. I beg you pleas get help if you are thinking of any of this stuff. I personaly think EVERYONE!!!! is beautiful. EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS WORLD!!!
COMMENTS
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NellMorgan
18:47 Dec 29 2012
Yes but at least you can have it all to yourself. Being single means you don't answer to anyone, yu have freedom. So it's not all bad. I'd pick friends over boyfriends any day.