The Manual.
06:44 Jan 06 2006
Times Read: 587
The Manual For Se’an Dempsey.
Note* To all Readers, This Manual is designed for Exact Uses, and For Intimate Nights With Complete Strangers. We must Insist that this manual be used only for the purposes of it’s instated use. Please, Do Not try this at home. .
Warning* For Mature Audiences only. There is Excessive use of language, Violence, Sex, and Drug and Alcohol References. You have been Warned..
...Knick Knack Paddy Whack. Give A Dog A Bone..
Page one. The Basics..
The main thing to do is not Freak out, Yet. There are many key issues regarding to why you might have been chosen to read this. .
1st. Make sure to check the gauges to make sure that the fuel light is not on* Note* if fuel light is on, shut this manual and drive the Zani to a hospital. .
2nd. Make sure that no Fuses are blown. *Note* if a fuse is blown, run motherfucker, run. .
3rd. Hit the Release button and spark a screwdriver across the battery. *note* If Sparks fly, douse the flaming zani and promise to buy him a drink if he doesn’t press charges..
4th. Check your genitalia. If you do not have a penis, than the probability is high that this particular model of zani just needs a jumpstart. *note* To jumpstart, put hands on waist and look for the jump- shaft. If unable to find pull off the cloth and dig with your hands until you find it. Once found, blow lightly and commence the nesc. Tune-up job needed.
5th. Perhaps this is a stolen zani manual. Perhaps it has a tracer in it. Perhaps your going to jail because of this. Once your in jail, The Zani WILL be waiting...most likely on the inside in a small, yet fashionable orange jumpsuit..
6th. There isn’t one. If you have reached the 6th level, then you are utterly and completely fucked.
Wove- Zani *note* (wove equals love) .
Now, that you’ve successfully completed the front page I humbly welcome you to the manual. From my heart, to your pants *note* (If your female)
-Wove Zani
Chapter One. How To Get Into The Sack With The Zani *note* (only applicable to females. If You’re a male, skip chapter.).
The first step to attainment is pre-requisite’s. .
1. You must not have a penis.
2. Must be over the age of 18. *Note* The Zani Does Indeed Card.
3. You must not weigh twice the zani. *note* For fear of breakage
**Extra Note** Zani weighs aproxamently 140-ish.
4. You must not have a ridiculous name. *note* examples include, but not limited to, Brian, Chris, Darrell, Wade, Josh, Trevor, Jeremy, Dude, or Geraldo.
**extra note** do you really think it’d be good to have the Zani spouting he slept with a chick named Darrel?.
5. You must be acceptable with Condoms. *note* A Zani with Syphiaids is and extremely unhappy Zani..
6. You must bathe frequently...and wash hands beforehand.
*note* If You consider yourself way ugly, You have a much better chance of getting me drunk..
7. Must not be on the Rag *note*( Zani has no need for red wings)
8. You must not have any STD’s. *note* (on a completely random note, is the Zani’s middle name had been Terence, he would himself had been an STD. But The Zani has no STD’s. No Worries. Mate.).
Level one. The Initial Greeting:.
“Hello. My Name is Zani, and I like Oranges, and pancakes, and beer, and crazy insane sex.” “Who are you?” *note* (this is an example of what the zani might say.)
This being a typical line of the zani, a correct response would be “Hi. I’m Lucy, and I really enjoy popsicle’s, secluded places, beer, and crazy insane sex too.”
And, of course, through this entire chapter, a incorrect response to anything is a slap to the face. Slapping the Zani will give you no chance in hell of jumping into the sack with him. Unless you immediately apologize, buy him a drink and give him a cigarette. Then. You might still be in the door.
When greeting Zani for the 1st tyme, (and everytyme) you should remember to A. Offer him a cigarette. B. Pout you lips a little bit to show-case them. C. Say nothing that would offend him. D. Smile. *note* (or at least fake one) E. Place your fingers lightly on his shoulder to show him you are always interested in his rugged good looks and finally F. Always laugh when the Zani laughs. Always.
The initial greeting being said and done, either ask the Zani to join you somewhere, or offer him your phone number. Either will be graciously accepted if you have done everything according to the manual. *note* (unless you don’t meet the pre-requisites’s, or you smell bad.).
Level Two. Getting Ready to Meet the Zani.
What you are thinking now, is great, I’ve get to meet-up with the Zani, but what do I wear? What do I say? How Do I indeed get this man in bed? Well, no worries, for you posses the best manual on the planet for this kind of thing, and it’s all covered..
Step one. Don’t panic- if the Zani has agreed to meet-up later, than you’re almost in the door. When you ask yourself what to wear, think about what the Zani likes. Try Something plaid, and maybe even a hint of purple. Unless make-up makes you look stellar, don’t wear it. Tight shirts that showcase your upper-body are always a plus, and hooker boots add that little bit of class. *note* unless you plan to mug the Zani, don’t under any other circumstances wear an eye-patch. That is a mans domain missy.
Step two. This is perhaps the easiest step you have to follow. You may ask yourself “what do I say to this, god of a man?” Easy. Nothing. Nod, and smile, but otherwise, Speak only when spoken too. You’ll get much better results by doing this. *note* (This depends solely on if you have something worthwhile to say)
Step Three. Don’t Be Late. The Zani hate’s Waiting, so therefore, making him wait, cause’s zani to hate, and a hating zani, is not the type of zani that will be sleeping with you tonite..
Level Three. The Meet-Up.
Now, The Zani is a kind, sweet caring type of model, so chances are he’ll offer to pay for drinks, food, and tickets to a local cinema or mini-golf course. While in most culture’s this is acceptable, you are not going for cultural. Your going for his pants. Therefore, you pay. Even if he try’s too, make sure that you give up the cash. *note* (it’s well worth it).
Level Four. The Tyme Being Spent..
While, doing whatever you and the Zani are doing, make sure you are enjoying it. *note* (faking works real well) Make the Zani think that your having the tyme of your life and wouldn’t want to be any other place. If Your playing a game, lose. Not entirely on purpose, just make it look like it was real close, but in the end, the Zani wins. Eventually if everything goes right, you too, can win. If you attend the theater, holding hands is not enough. But him popcorn and a Vanilla Coke. Sneak in Chew, and claim you were needed nicotine. But Swear to quit when he see’s the chew, because chicks who chew are just nasty. And you don’t want to be nasty.*note* (the entire point of bringing chew is to quit in front of him with ought having any.) If you go to a Restaurant, order something small...like a cute little salad. Or, if you must, maybe some cheese balls. *note* (if ordering cheese balls, you must share most of them with Zani and cleverly come up with ways to subliminally say that you want to jump his bones).
Level Five. The After Hours..
After the so-called date you have had with Zani, chances are that he will say something like “what do you want to do?” Don’t panic. Whatever you say, do not offer to sleep with him right on the spot. Do you really want the Zani to think you’re a cheap hore? Say something instead like, “lets have a drink, lets go to my house/Zani’s house and hang out” When women usually say lets “hang out” it’s really slang for, lets have sex. The Zani know’s this, but he’ll be proud that you re-phrased it into something that sounded innocent. Thus he knows, and you know. Only one step til your Scroggi’n in the moonlight! *note* (you may not actually scrog in moonlight).
Level Sex. The Pay-off.
Well, now your in privacy. You’re sitting on a couch or a love seat next to the Zani, and wondering, when do I get to have sex with him? Now sugar, now. Demand a tour of the place, *note* (even if you have been there before) and stop in the bedroom. Congratulate him for owning such a magnificent bed, and inform him of your intentions to “fuck him gently” The Zani knows, and you know, its gonna be hard. But it sounds better that way, and Zani appreciates under-statements. Shred your clothing and jump on the bed. Were pretty sure you can figure out the best way to screw the Zani. *note* (make sure to do whatever the Zani says in bed, and to not be broken if it only lasts 2 hours. It happens, ok?).
Level Seven Laters, Bitch..
Alright, your done with the sex, and you admit to yourself. It was damn good. So now what? It is alright to sleep next to the Zani. If he wants to pass out, lay next to him naked and promise him another good session in the morning. *note* (everyone loves a cute curled up sexed-out Zani)
If you want to leave, Wait. You won’t want to. It’s that good. If you feel that this is an error, Then you, are obviously sorely mistaken. And you must demand more sex out of the Zani. When you wake up in the morning *note* (in most cases mornings turned into afternoons) and after a good session, then there is a good chance the Zani might say “Get the Fuck Out, Laters, Bitch.” The Zani is merely saying subliminally that he really enjoyed the night, but is cranky and needs sleep. *note* (in most cases, the Zani did need sleep and was extremely cranky.) Remember, the Zani never calls back one night stands. You call him. And Apologize for keeping him up all night. And offer to come over and help him with his sleeping problem. *note* (once again, in most cases, waking before the Zani, and making him breakfast appeased the tired and crankiness. But than again, sometymes it’s just that damn-de-fied morning.).
*note* (For advanced users only). The Key to a mans heart is cooking. The Key to Zani’s heart is indeed much easier. Head, is a beautiful thing if done correctly, and add’s the better chance that The Zani might be benevolent and answer your call when you call. And you better Call. Bitch.
*note* (always better waking up to head, than again, head is good, anytime.)
We hoped chapter one solved any problems that may have arisen, and we sincerely wish that you love giving head.
Wove,
__–Zani–__ We Would Also like to Explain that this is a joke, I’m bored. And that The Zani Rocks At Life, and has may redeeming qualities. I Think..
So. Vanilla Coke, my personal addiction is being pulled from the market. So therefore, I was given no choice, but to re-create the soda in my mind and I will soon begin marketing..
“The Zani Delight”
It’s Not Red., It’s Not White.
It’s the (dun dun) Zaa–Niii Delight!
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