10:35 Jan 14 2012
Times Read: 776
It's 3:56 AM on a Saturday morning. I just finished watching "Capote" and along with the day's events my mind seems fractured on what to focus on.
Sometimes VR can help with inspiration and building friendships, other times it seems more of a burden to actually deal with and tonight seems one of those.
Earlier today I had a discussion that appeared to bring VR back, at least its overall quality, but it's hard to maintain that with further insanity.
I will talk about that conversation.
I was talking with a man named Kyle on here and as usual our conversation took a rather "deep" vein. Instead of the usual debate however on the mysteries of god etc we were able to talk in part about a book I had been writing for some time. Had it not been for the financial collapse and my own physical condition fading at the time I am certain the book would have been finished by now.
His enthusiasm for its contents and purpose, a near stranger, made me take another look at actively engaging in finishing it with all the original intent behind it.
While I listen to "Air and Simple Gifts" by Yo-Yo Ma and the Rach #2 I am lifted in all manner a man can be except I am also conflicted. I fear the outcome should it be published but worse I fear my own failure and lack of ability to complete such a task.
To many a 200-250 page book may seem rather trite, difficult, but nothing at all to be consumed over. To me it represents far more than an idea or a specific story to tell.
The bulk of my poetry for example took only minutes to write but entailed so much emotion and inner thought that I could only write one basic poem every 6 months, it's been at least 3 years now since my last one.
This book likewise is all consuming. I mentioned VR because this place used to be freeing to me. It was a place to go and share, learn, teach and gain new focus. Yet even after my 10 month long break VR seems less a refuge and more the den of the dead and dying, a place with more inane babble than the worth of a human soul. I can find so little that is still good, not touched and forever changed by the never ending retarded bullshit you people bring upon your own idiotic heads.
As with any social group, online or otherwise, there are good and bad people but it seems nearly too much effort to find the good here. Even once close friends have found themselves cornered by the drama and can't or won't break free.
To those like Kyle and others I thank you very much for the contributions you have made to my life, to VR and those around you in general. After glimpsing what a modern renaissance could be like this place almost appears suffocating in its shallowness. The same can be said for a MySpace or Facebook but for a time VR truly was special. That specialness is what drew many 1st and 2nd generation members of which I belong. Today, it lacks any sense of charm. Just another site.
I now recognize more than I did before the reality that I have a freaking life to work on, a life worth sharing and something that speaks beyond the cyber confines of 1s and 0s that has somehow trapped me here for what I mistook as muse.
No, I'm not getting rid of my profile and I'm not leaving. In my mind there are people here whose company I enjoy greatly and I have every intention of remaining with. But perhaps I should try, just try, to focus my efforts not on leisure or skin deep "friendships" but on things that can matter and on things with which I have direct input and a say over their origins.
This may sound a bit harsh to some, egotistical even but I don't really care. If you haven't the ability to look through a line of text then you have little reason to read at all in my opinion. But for the thin skinned, since I'm nice, no, if I talk to you regularly then you're not what I consider the cause of the problem...although some of you can't help but perpetuate it despite your very loud objections.
I may fail miserably at what I'm going to try but finished book, saved relationship, very fun tryst or none so long as things are fun and done with purpose then I need not care so much as to failure. And maybe give my insides a look for ideas instead of the petty world of men, a world whose complexities fade with each "click".
COMMENTS
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Zilaheteb
09:49 Jan 31 2012
Exactly! How's that saying go? 'If you dont stand for something, you'll fall for anything'
Would be great if more people would open their eyes and take a stand.